If Only It Had All Been Just a Dream

In a small home with a single window sat a young girl. Her eyes were glistening & her cheeks were tear-stained. Her gaze out the window was more of an empty, blank stare. She felt too numb to really acknowledge much of anything going on inside or out.

Around her, she heard screams & cries, as the world seemed to be crashing in around her.

Everything sounded muffled, muted, as if everything were just a dream at this point.

She wished it were all just a dream. She wished she could wake up. She wished that none of it was real… only a sick imagining of her mind.

But it WAS real & today was the worst day of her life.

Carefree Giggles That All Came Crashing Down

Just yesterday, she was playing in the dirt street with her friends, carefree & giggling… with her little baby brother begging for attention… which she had ignored.

She had felt too big to play with a little baby. She wanted to seem grown up & worthy to play with the older kids instead, even though her mother had tried unsuccessfully to convince her to do otherwise.

Oh, how she wished she could turn back time, for now she would have chosen much differently. She would have left the older kids in a heartbeat for one more smile out of her little, sweet brother.

But it was too late for that now.

A Cruel King, an Unimaginable Terror

“Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men.” (Matthew 2:16)

The king had issued a decree of the cruelest nature. He had commanded for every little boy to be killed. She couldn’t understand why, but the why didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered.

The soldiers had rushed in, asked where her brother was, & without thinking, she had pointed, without considering what might come next.

The fear had made her brain stop. She hadn’t had time to think that maybe they had poor intentions… that they would do what they would do. She had just pointed.

And in a flash, a quick stride across the room, & a slash… her brother was gone. His cries had stopped.

It Was Too Late

Her heart had dropped to the floor. Her mind couldn’t wrap around what had just happened. The shock overwhelmed her & even long after the soldier had stormed out, she just stared blankly in her brother’s direction, numb & unbelieving & unmoving.

Her parents had rushed in from the field, had seen her brother & had pushed past her in desperate, hurried hopes of saving him… but it was too late.

It was far too late. There was no hope. Her brother was gone.

The Grief, the Shame, the Guilt

She didn’t remember when the sobs kicked in, but once they did, they would not stop. She collapsed to the dirt floor & cried with her whole self.

Her parents had tried to console her, tried to reassure her, tried to make her feel safe, but none of that mattered. She had killed her baby brother. Her sweet, helpless baby brother… & he was gone… because of her.

Logic didn’t matter as her parents tried to say it would have happened either way.

She had helped. She had pointed. It felt like it was all her fault.

A Bright Twinkling Star in the Sky

And now, as the sun had already set, as her parents wept quietly in bed on the other side of the single-roomed home, the little girl still sat sullenly at their one window, feeling incapable of leaving this one spot, letting her mind numb over as she stared blankly at the night sky.

And past her numb, aching stare, a twinkling of grandest scale seemed to beg for her attention & for a brief moment, she allowed her numb gaze to hone in on the strange star that shone brighter than any other star that evening, in the sky not so far away.

And for the first time that day, she felt an unexplained twinkling ray of hope shine into her heart that comfort, love, & hope could possibly be not so far away.

What Child Is This?

“So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.” (Luke 2:6-7)

Not so far away, in a manger made to feed the stable animals at the inn that had no more room for these particular traveling guests, lay a very special Baby.

But this was no ordinary baby….

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

“Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel [“God with us”].” (Isaiah 7:14)

“Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary…. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest… He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.” (Luke 1:26-33)

The Light of the World

“For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

“… He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it…. He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:1-14)

He Came to Take Away the Sins of the World

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

“The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29)

This was no ordinary baby. This baby, born in a manger, was Jesus Christ, eternally God, born in flesh, to live as man but sinless, to love & to heal & to teach & to eventually offer His life to all, (“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”-Romans 5:8) even to those who actively were rejecting Him, saying on the cross, “Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

He was Emmanuel, God with us…

… The hope come into the world.

Shine HIS Hope

While it is true that Herod killed the children of Bethlehem when Jesus was no longer a baby in a manger, the truth of hope-come-to-man is quite the same regardless. A helpless baby was the form our great God took on so that He could be the rescue we all need. The HOPE we all long for.

Praise Jesus Christ Emmanuel this Christmas!

Shine HOPE this Christmas by being a light to the hope we all have because Jesus came to earth to die for men, to reconcile us to God for all who repent & believe on Him! *Praise Him, the Savior of the World!*

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Corte Whale Pouch (GUATEMALA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Artisans in Guatemala handcraft this eco-friendly artisanal design from upcycled Corte, traditional Mayan woman’s skirt, and tipico fabric, traditional Guatemalan fabric. Each ethically made pouch is one of a kind, and beautifully crafted into a whale shaped pencil pouch. Lined with 100% cotton, this Corte Whale Pouch is ideally sized to carry a little one’s everyday essentials with fun style.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Paranoia & Chronic Nightmares

I had always been a paranoid kid, & that trait followed me as I got older.

I don’t know if it was the scary audiotapes my friends pressured me into listening to at sleepovers in 4^th grade or the occasional scary movie my friend would “trick” me into seeing by saying, “it’s not that scary, don’t worry.”

Or maybe it was the chronic nightmares I had as a kid–always the same dream with minor variations—all leading to death.

Whatever the cause, I was always a very paranoid person.

Forget walking down a dark street… or even a dark hallway. Nuh-uh. NOPE.

I would get chills, like someone was watching me… like evil was lurking around every corner.

It probably didn’t help that I was addicted to young adult murder mystery books, either. Nancy Drew, anyone?

But here I was, a paranoid person… & in one night, all of that changed.

I Asked God to Try My Faith…

The night of my burning ceremony (see last chapter for the full story: Chapter 8), & deciding that I no longer wanted to rely on anything else for validation… not music that made me feel validated for deep feelings of pain that made no sense to me… not ex-boyfriend notes that made me feel seen/worthy of love… not accolades from years past that made me feel good enough… just Jesus…. That night changed my life forever.

If you remember from last chapter, in my journal, where I was supposed to be going through the PDF of possible strongholds & jotting notes & prayers & verses that came to mind as I worked through them… all I could get myself to write were 2 little verses:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

“try me….”

Paranoia & Fear = A Weak Point in My Trust of God Almighty

You see, my paranoia & fear really showed that I believed, deep down, that dark forces (demons) could get me, when I should have been repenting of that lack of trust in God’s power reigning supreme & asking God to help me live as a conqueror in Him.

My paranoia displayed where I lacked trust in God Almighty to be Enough for me.

And that night, I would learn how GOD ALMIGHTY measured up to the dark demonic forces I feared so much.

The Night That Shook My World & Shifted My Perspective

I went to bed that night like any other night… probably still riding the high from our time at the park & making such a bold & firm decision to trust God above all else as my comfort & my hope.

You can guess that Satan did not very much like this decision.…

Well, the high didn’t last long. I drifted off to sleep & once again had another nightmare. Only, this time, when I woke up, the most terrifying thing happened that I have ever experienced in my life.

Paralysis Greeted Me When I Woke Up This Time

It was my habit, that when I woke up from my nightmares, very much feeling like it was about to happen in real life, I would bang on the wall & call for help because I thought we were actually in danger & I needed to warn everyone to protect them… to protect myself.

But sometimes, I would experience something called sleep paralysis, I believe is what it is called. Basically, when you wake up, you cannot move.

And this particular night, following my nightmare start from sleep, I could not move. My body was stiff & rigid & I could not even lift my arms up off the bed. I was seemingly pinned down by an invisible force. And when I tried to call for help… I found I could not speak… no sound came out no matter how desperately I tried.…

And That’s When I Saw It…

And as my eyes darted around my room, recovering from the nightmare that felt like it was real, trying to figure out how to call for help, my eyes landed on a dark black hovering shape between my bed & a window with moonlight pouring in. It was a very defined, very definite floating cloud of blackness.

And then, the voice. Inside my head. That was not my own voice. Dark. Deep. Menacing. A cruel, mocking male voice.

“You can’t move….” (mocking laughter) “You’re trapped & you can’t defend yourself, can you?” “Where is your big God now?” “He’s not going to help you.” “You’re all alone. With me. And I am going to take over you & you won’t be able to stop me.” (more sinister laughs, mocking me)

My Cry for Help

I tried with all my might to bang on that wall. I still couldn’t move.

I tried to scream for help. Still no words would come out. I was frozen & mute. I was trapped.

I started to cry & pray for help.

“God isn’t going to help you. Do you see Him anywhere? No. He’s not coming. You’re alone. I have control. No one is going to help you. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No one is going to help you. There is no hope. I’m in control now.” All inside my own thoughts, but not my own voice… a menacing male voice, his cackling rattling inside my brain.

I begged God to help me as I strained against the paralysis & eventually, an arm… just one arm… broke loose & I banged on the wall over & over & over again, still mute, but praying, BEGGING God to help me.

I Had Never Felt Terror Like This

In answer to my prayer, my Mom heard me & came running in to check on me. I was sobbing & frantic, terrified beyond belief, & even as she turned on the lights & came running to my side, I could see the dark black cloud hovering next to my bed & I could still hear the mocking voice & laughter inside my thoughts.

My voice returned, but all I could muster was, “Help me, help me, help me! Make it stop! Help me!” as I tried to explain what was happening. And as she leaned over, looking at me with concerned expression, her face all of a sudden took on that of a demonic image of terror, as if the demon was projecting its evil menacing, threatening grin through the face of my mom.

I was afraid to look at her anymore. I was so terrified I couldn’t think straight.

And then, my cat came to see me, concerned & scared, wanting to comfort me, so I scooped him up as my movement was restored. But as I held him, every time I closed my eyes, visions of him lunging at my throat would repeat over & over again until I pushed him away from me.

My Mom Reminds Me Who Is Ultimately in Control

My mom turned on my stereo to worship music & grabbed my Bible with a concordance & she just kept repeating: “You can’t give him power! Your panic is giving him power. You have to remember that God is bigger than anything he can say or do! You are saved by God’s grace, a demon cannot take you. He is lying to you & trying to get you to doubt God. Do NOT let him! He has no power & he knows it. He is lying to you! Here, look up POWER in the concordance & let’s start looking them up & reading them one by one. You need to remember who is really in charge here, no matter what that demon may be saying to you. God is the real One in charge, no matter what!”

And she made me read aloud every verse suggested by my Bible’s concordance referencing God’s power, one by one, reading about God’s power & authority on heaven & on earth.

And as we read, the voice quieted & the fear stilled.

I Thought It Was Over

I don’t know how long we read, but I just had this strong feeling that I needed to read EVERY verse listed because I needed it right then more than I really understood.

After reading a good amount of time, maybe getting through 2/3 of the verses, I hadn’t heard the voice in maybe 10-20 minutes & my mom eventually prayed with me & went back to bed.

My eyes were beginning to droop, the tired grogginess starting to set in from the sudden middle of the night wakeup… &, feeling some peace & quiet, I felt like I was okay to stop reading, turn off my worship music on the stereo, & try to go back to sleep… so I did.

But as I turned out the lights & crawled back into bed & closed my eyes, I heard his voice again. “Did you think you could get rid of me that easily? (cackling) No. I’m in charge now. I’m going to take over you & no one is going to stop me. Where is your God now? Still hasn’t shown up because He is not coming. You belong to me now & there is nothing you can do about it.” (more maniacal laughter)

I Determined to Finish the Task I Had Set Out to Do… Read Every Last One

So, I sprang out of bed, flipped on the light faster than I ever had before, turned my worship music back on, grabbed my Bible, & I determined to honor that heart nudging that felt so unmistakable: “Read every last verse listed in the concordance that references God’s almighty power in the Bible.”

And I did just that, tuning out the cackling, mocking words as I read God’s Word aloud.

Reaching the final referenced Bible passages, nothing had changed….

But as soon as the last words left my lips, in my obedience to God’s nudging on my heart to read every listed passage referencing His awesome power… something beyond amazing occurred.

God’s One THOUGHT Held More Power Than ALL of Satan’s Tactics… Satan Cannot Even TRY Without Allowance from God Himself

In that singular moment, it was as if a motionless SWOOSH swept through my room. All the terror, unrest, anxiety, fear, etc. just evaporated in an instant & was replaced by this feeling of absolute POWER. Like NOTHING could touch me. Like I was COVERED. Just absolute, fully-encompassing PEACE.

You see, in that moment, with the evil, lurking, hovering cloud of blackness, the sleep paralysis & muteness when I woke up, the threats, the mocking voice inside my own thoughts, the nightmare….

God didn’t have to OUTSHINE the blackness.

God didn’t have to bellow LOUDER than the menacing voice in my head.

God didn’t have to FILL my room with a size greater than him.

God didn’t have to do anything other than THINK: “enough.”

A single THOUGHT from God held more power than ALL the tactics that demon used COMBINED.

A thought.

That was it.

Nothing else needed.

WOW.

God Speaks & Creation Comes Forth… God THINKS & Work Is Done… God’s NAME Has Power… Our Infinite, Almighty GOD!

You may wonder how God could speak life into existence? I don’t anymore. Not after THAT.

You wonder why I believe when the Bible says God’s NAME alone has great power? Because a singular THOUGHT from God held more power than ANYTHING that demon could throw at me.

God IS the ultimate authority. God holds ultimate POWER.

My understanding of Satan & his evil forces of darkness may have shifted from an annoyance that picks on me & tries to tempt me, to seeing he holds real, actual power—read Job if you don’t believe me.

But let me tell you something right now. In all of his tricks & terrors of acting so much more powerful than ME… Satan’s power isn’t even worth MENTIONING when compared with the power of GOD ALMIGHTY, KING of kings, LORD of lords, Maker of Heaven & Earth, Redeemer, Father, Friend… GOD.

I Was Now Walking with My Confidence in GOD

From that day on, paranoia was nothing. I had seen what Satan could actually do… the power he really had… & compared with me? Terrifying.

But I didn’t have to rely on me versus him… but rather him versus GOD. And in that scenario, he’s nothing.

From that day on, I would get that creepy, crawly feeling while house-sitting & I would turn to face the darkness behind me & say into it with a loud voice, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you leave me alone!” And it would dissipate as if it were never there in the first place.

And my dreams began to change. Nightmares would begin… fear would start to rise… I would begin to run… but IN MY DREAM, something calm & assured would settle over me & I would turn to face whatever tormented me & say, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you leave me ALONE!” And the nightmare would fade & be replaced with peace & I would continue sleeping peacefully.

God has power, even in our DREAMS! His power has no limits, so don’t limit Him with lack of prayers for His help!

Satan Is More Powerful Than We Imagine & That Is Why God Says to Take Seriously Our Stand & Preparedness Against Him

Yeah, Satan is more powerful than we often give him credit for with our little red man depictions in cartoons, seeing him as more like a nuisance than a threat.

But he is a threat. He is at work more than we accredit him. And because we think so little of him, we often think far too little of our need for God… & of God’s power… & of heeding God’s call to stand firm, armor up, & resist. (Ephesians 6:10-20; James 4:7)

We need the armor God supplies. We need to stand firm. We need to flee the devil’s temptations. We need to take it seriously.

God Is Greater STILL–God Is Greater Than ANY Darkness

Even more so, we need to take the power of God more seriously.

We need to stop taking Him for granted & thinking we’re just fine with Him as our backup versus our LORD.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, as Proverbs 1:7 says, for a reason. Because we NEED to live with the understanding & recognition that God is GOD… & I am NOT.

Live like you need Him.

Because you do.

Claim the name of Jesus.

Shine HOPE by recognizing that God is greater than ANY darkness… & that His name ALONE holds more power than all the forces of darkness in this world. Claim the name of JESUS!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Yeti Ornament (NEPAL)

LIMITED EDITION – While Supplies Last! This adorable, festive Yeti Ornament from Nepal adds a touch of whimsy to your holiday decor! Each ornament is handcrafted using 100% wool and traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

It’s So Easy to Try to Rely on Myself

I think it can be easy to look at someone like me, who has a public platform sharing the hope we have in Christ, & think I have it all together & am the primo example of a “good Christian.” Well, sorry to disappoint.

Here we are on Chapter 8, as we walk together through the story of my life, & all we’ll find here are more ways I found to rely on myself, after EVERYTHING I have already been through & shared with you. God is CONSTANTLY having to refine me & weed out & bring attention to areas where I either compromise or think it’s up to me & not up to Him.

This particular season in my life was no different.

I Thought the Dark Was Over

A few chapters ago, I talked about my depression spiral & the mercy from God that it ended up being for me… how much I have learned about depression & struggling with my emotions—either too many or not enough. (You can read about that in Chapter 3 or in “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

Well, to be honest, since it was such a huge pivot point in my life, I really just thought my deep depression in high school was merely a one-time teaching tool for that very specific lesson He taught me through it.

So, when it started to hit me again (read: TORMENT me again), it caught me completely off guard & I spiraled FAST.

The defeat I felt. “I already got through this! God already helped me through this! What is happening!?”

And talk about DARK.

Crying (& Screaming) Alone

I used to go to our community park, drive all the way to the secluded back of the lot (usually only occupied during ballgames)… & I would lock my doors, put the seat down, & SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in anguish & pain until sobs took over & then numbness set in as I stared blankly ahead, wishing I could make the unreasonable, unrelenting emotional pain stop.

Seriously, it felt like pain was being lashed onto my emotions uncontrollably. Like deep gashes & razor slits over & over & over on my heart. Just constant, heart-wrenchingly debilitating PAIN just relentlessly terrorizing me.

It made no sense. It was maddening because it made no sense. I could see the trigger, logically reason that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but my emotional response was like you had killed someone I loved. It was ridiculous & agonizing how little sense it made... but the pain was very much real.

Satan Exploits Our Weakest Moments

Aside from the messed-up brain chemistry involved, it was undoubtedly an attack. Satan was trying to get me to quit God & give up on life. I could feel that oppression in my BONES.

In my car one such day, as I was trying to release some of the built-up oppressive pain I felt so much of the time, crying, rocking on my side whimpering, to screaming… I remember very clearly thinking, “Satan, I’m already saved. I’m already going to heaven. Nothing you can do can change that, so why are you messing with me? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!”

And I prayed. A LOT. I begged. I pleaded. I cried for rescue. I said, “Please God, please God. I can’t. Please help me. Please. I can’t. Please help me!”

God saw me… God heard me… God had a plan… but the pain continued.

God Is Bigger Than Anything Satan Can Do

This was more than just emotions outpouring from poorly regulated hormones/brain chemistry or whatnot. This was Satan seeing me weak & frail & kicking me repeatedly in the gut while I felt defenseless, trying to get me to renounce Christ & give up living.

Satan did not want me to shine HOPE. He wanted me to be a warning—to make an example of me.

But God is greater. God doesn’t give up on us. And God ALWAYS uses our hard for our good. He NEVER wastes our pain when we entrust Him with it.

God Promises Tribulation & Hardship in This Sin-Filled World… But He Also Promises He Is the Overcomer

I’m sorry I can’t be one of those, “if you honor God, everything will work out like a charm & life will be all rosy with rainbows & sparkles.” That would be a lie.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

God actually promises tribulation. He promises hardship. He promises we will be hated for our faith, just as Jesus, in all His perfection, was hated even to death. (John 15:18-27)

So, no. It won’t be all butterflies & sunshine. We live in a world broken by sin. It will hurt sometimes. That’s just fact.

God IS Our Enough

BUT, God promises to BE our Enough IN it.

To give us wisdom when we ask. (James 1:5-6) To comfort us when we are weak. (2 Corinthians 1:4; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 73:26) To be our rescue when we cry out to Him as our help. (2 Samuel 22:17-20; Psalm 107) To strengthen & enable us in our weaknesses. (Matthew 11:28-30) He IS our sufficiency. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

IN it.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

From Thinking about… to Planning… Suicide

Well, that was the first time in my life, in all the days in my high school depression years & then in that period of time, that my thinking about suicide turned into planning my suicide.

It felt like the ONLY way to make the relentless, terrorizing day & night PAIN STOP.

Heaven was something I craved SO DEEPLY because the pain of living was that intense & overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I NEEDED it to stop. I wanted to DIE.

And that reality scared me so much. I prayed for rescue & God pushed me to confess to my mom my plans.

In high school, my expression of a need for help wasn’t really understood to be as desperate a plea as it was, so I was scared to confide & if misunderstood, what that would lead me to do in my desperation, but I obeyed God’s nudge to confide & so I went & I confessed my plans for suicide.

I Got Help

God used that obedience to lead my mom to urge me to call the advice nurse line & eventually get help by way of a wonderful psychologist who helped me understand my brain chemistry & patterns better so I could create healthier patterns & defenses to protect myself from falling prey to the lies my misfiring emotional terrors were telling me.

God used her knowledge of the human brain to help me understand & fight back.

I am so thankful for what I learned through that experience. Not being a victim anymore, but having tools to recognize where my brain was failing me so I wouldn’t so easily fall victim to Satan terrorizing me through that weakness.

The Lingering Stronghold… What I Went to Instead of GOD for Help

But through it all, one little problem remained.

Whenever I was struggling or feeling terrorized or emotionally hurt… I would listen to music that backed me up & made me feel validated. You know, things like, “you don’t deserve that!” or “you deserve better!” or “I wish someone loved me more” or whatever.

I think it’s because the intensity of my emotions felt like an avalanche that I couldn’t tame or understand or justify… it made me feel crazy & broken… so music that made me feel justified in it gave me some sense of security.

What I really needed was to be pouring truth into my heart, rather than just seeking validation for my feelings, I needed to be seeking God as my hope in it… I needed to lift my heart & my hurts to HIM.

I needed to be intentionally lifting my heart in worship to God, singing of His goodness & mercy & love & hope, pouring sweet truths over my heart while lifting up the one true God Who is deserving of my praise & worship… shifting my gaze from the terrors to the One who gives me HOPE.

Lifting my eyes above the waves. Focusing instead on HIM.

God Is My Comforter & My Hope

And God opened my eyes to this problem by leading me to read through Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, with my good friend.

After reading this book, the author directs you to download a PDF & encourages you to take old boyfriend notes, or anything else from your past or present that you are clinging to for security in place of the One true God, our Father, through Jesus Christ… & burn them. Get rid of them for good. Make it impossible to run back to them.

And one day, with my friend, we brought things we were clinging to as our “this proves I matter to someone” or “this makes me feel validated” items, we lit a fire on a grill at the park, we separately prayed through our PDF list, & we burned our items when we felt ready to surrender them in exchange for seeking hope in Him alone.

The freedom I felt that day was indescribable. And I remember writing in my prayer journal that I had brought with me that day only 2 simple verses & nothing else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

I burned that binder of CDs worth hundreds of dollars & determined that day that I didn’t want to depend on anything other than Him as my hope & my salvation through the darkest trials I may face. God is my comforter & my hope.

What Are You Clinging to Instead of to Jesus?

And I would understand completely if you don’t at all believe what happened next to me. Both the most terrifying & the most perspective-shifting event I couldn’t ever imagine took place as a result of this simple prayer & it shook me to my core (in a good way)… but that’s for the next chapter….

So, what are you clinging to in place of Jesus? Where are you supplementing? Where are you trying to control your own happiness/security/validation? What do you feel you NEED to feel whole… that isn’t Jesus? That’s a stronghold & you need to get rid of it.

Shine HOPE by going to HIM in your darkest times. He knows where to get you help. He can sufficiently offer peace. He knows what you need more than you do. He knows what steps to take for healing. He has perfect wisdom. He cares for you. He is your supply. Don’t turn to anything else but Him… because you will not find hope anywhere else but HIM.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! (THIS IS BLOG POST #300!!!) THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Enchanted Set (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $15.95 when you purchase this set, which includes the Enchanted Twist Cuff and the Enhanced Ruby Studs, that doubles your impact for women ending poverty cycles in India! The two designs pair perfectly to make a great gift or a holiday look for yourself! The Enchanted Twist Cuff features two thin, golden strands twisted together to create a beautiful design perfect for everyday wear. The stunning Enhanced Ruby Studs are made using faceted ruby stones set in a gold-tone frame.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty in India where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

No Longer Compromising to Be Loved… But Still Feeling Unworthy of It

So, here I was, learning that I didn’t have to try to fit in or be cool to feel okay with myself (read about that in Chapter 5), but that didn’t mean the insecurities were all gone… I just no longer was foolish enough to believe that compromising on God’s design was the solution to my problem.

I still struggled with my appearance. I still wanted to be accepted. I still felt that I was a lesser choice because of how I looked & that I was too annoying…. I just was no longer willing to play a part to try to solve it.

But I still feared that I may never be enough to be loved.

He Was There, Standing Across the Room

In comes a new guy in my life, back about maybe 20 years ago.

I had been friends with some people who went to a college about 30-45 minutes from me & would visit campus to hang out with them on occasion. I felt included & grown up & cool as a fresh out of high school teenager hanging out with friends at their college campus. All grown up.

And one day, I saw him… he was standing across the room at a parent welcome-to-campus party, cup in hand, waiting in line to get a slice of pizza. We locked eyes, like in a movie, & I felt like my heart melted instantly.

I knew I had to know him.

Smitten

Soon, he was offering to get me a soda & I was dancing in my head.

And that’s how it began. I was smitten, & he expressed that the feeling was very much mutual.

Pretty much right away, we became the dynamic duo, spending all of our free time together.

I visited campus so much more than I ever had before & he would drive to see me at home as well. We were inseparable. We instantly hit it off, effortlessly.

There Was One Little Problem

The only problem was that he was not a Christian. He didn’t trust in Jesus with his life & his eternity.

Why is that an issue, you may ask? Well, all of my decisions were usually filtered through prayer, through seeking God’s thoughts on things… & if I were to marry this man, I would need to submit to the decisions of someone who did not seek God as His guide in life…. Who did not seek God’s glory as his motivation in life.

I thought that maybe I could help change his mind, but what happened was that to smooth things over & avoid uncomfortable disagreements, I started to keep my mouth shut, which in turn led me to not bring God into everything as I once did.

I was compromising again for the sake of peace in our relationship. I loved him too much to let go.

I Was Accepted & Cherished & Loved… & I Didn’t Want to Let That Go

But, it was too late. I had already fallen hard for this guy. For the first time in my life, fat & all, I was accepted & cherished & loved.

God used his love for me to show that I was capable of being loved just as I was, flaws & all… insecurities & all… & in turn, showed me how God could love me flaws & all, too.

Sure, I may have dated other guys who loved me, or thought they did, but it was all during the time when I was trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be… I didn’t feel freedom to just be me & have that be enough, even bad days or days when I was feeling grumpy or crabby or nonsocial—not that they couldn’t have loved the real me, but rather that I never had given anyone the chance to do so before this particular relationship.

It felt so refreshing, so freeing to finally feel available to be myself & nothing more… & to feel loved in it. Before this man, I truly doubted that was even possible. I thought surely, if I were to reveal my true heart on bad days or if I were to be a less than ideal girlfriend, anyone dating me & seeing that would obviously see the truth & want out eventually… it felt inevitable.

I Truly Felt This Was a Once-in-a-Lifetime Thing

I had a commitment phobia. A fear of letting myself believe I was loved only to eventually see them turn & walk away because they realized I really am too ugly, or too fat, or too gabby, or too boring, or too lame, or etc. etc. etc. Either too something or not enough something.

But, I was letting him love me. I was letting someone love me. I was believing I could actually BE loved. This was HUGE!

A once-in-a-lifetime thing is what it felt like.

But… The Wall

I knew I wanted to marry him. I had never been so sure about that before. I always had doubts somewhere.

And that was the thing… I realized the doubts were there… they were just not about whether I was truly loved or whether I truly loved, but rather whether my marrying him would honor & please God Almighty.

But I was already in love. So, my prayers to God were more like begging than asking… More about WHEN than WHETHER.

And every single time… the only, singular response I ever got to my seeking of answers was like a brick wall too high to climb… complete lack of peace.

As if God Himself were the guard standing between me & the man I loved, saying, “thou shalt not pass.”

Just a Giant “Not Right Now”?

So, I figured it just meant “not right now,” & that if this guy accepted Jesus, well then everything would surely be a green light. I thought I would just be a light & pray for him & then God would give His blessing… that it was surely, merely just a giant “not right now,”

But my compromises grew instead of my light shining any brighter. I wanted to keep the peace & not start anything… so I stopped bringing up anything having to do with God & because I spent most of my time with him… I stopped really turning to God, too.

I kept asking. I kept getting the brick wall as a response.

I would grit my teeth & ask again, determined not to let go of the only person I felt really knew me & actually loved me the way he did. I trusted & loved him & I wasn’t willing to let that go. He was my security blanket that someone actually loved me.

That someone actually COULD love me.

But God kept saying no. I dragged it on so long that this man knew I was wrestling with it but that I wouldn’t admit it. He started to withdraw. I started to cling.

I cried a lot. I begged God a lot.

But God said no.

And He Wasn’t Even the Only One I Hurt…

And eventually, I had to let him go or risk hurting him beyond all the damage my delays had already caused… my holding on & refusing to let go.

It broke me. Hurting him like that broke me. I mourned our relationship for about 5 years it broke me so deeply.

I locked away my heart & had thrown away the key after that. I never wanted to hurt someone I loved like that ever again. I never wanted to believe in love & have it ripped away like that ever again.

And as the cherry on top, I ripped the heart out of a dear friend who cared about me more than I knew, who pursued a relationship with me, only to have me go back to the man I loved in the middle of all of it, thus humiliating & crushing my dear friend in the process. He had been only kind & I was so desperate to believe that it could work with the man I loved that I was willing to crush another man who had only been the dearest of friends to me.

Two heartbreaks in one… three if you counted my own.

I swore off ever making that mistake again.

God Had the Key from Then On

Unless God were to provide the key, to make it clear it was His move, not mine… I was not willing to ever jeopardize the heart of someone I cared about again. (No wonder I made it so hard for my now husband to pursue me. I was so desperate not to ever make that same mistake ever again.)

The day I said goodbye to that man was the day I accepted not knowing whether I would ever be loved like that again, or whether I could ever love like that again.

And I never told him why, either. I let him hate me because that seemed far more favorable than ever giving him reason to hate the God who loved him more than he could ever comprehend… Who gave His Son, Jesus, to pay the debt he owed Him.

My feelings were strong & sure, but I knew, deep down, that God would always know better than me & as much as it broke my heart… I wanted to trust God more than I trusted myself… to recognize & hold firm to the fact that God will always know best, even with love.

Today, I Know, But Then, I Didn’t

I couldn’t understand why God would let me fall in love, only to rip him out of my life. That fact haunted me for years to come & the grief would sometimes catch me completely off guard after hearing a favorite song of his or seeing a movie we saw together, etc.; & would send me into pools of tears long after this man had no doubt moved on with his life.

Today, I have hindsight bias… because today, I can see who I am married to & that I am loved & that I love. But I didn’t have that luxury back then.

For all I knew, my one chance for that opportunity was sacrificed in order to honor & obey God, by giving Him something I had coveted my whole entire life—an opportunity to feel truly loved just as I was.

I didn’t understand, but I knew that somehow, God did.

And I was at least grateful for the reassurance that however hard I was on myself in my feeling unworthy of love, God had granted me an opportunity to see that I could very well be loved & to love in return. What a blessing that was to me, even in the midst of all that hurt.

A Love Story for Another Day

I am now married to my husband, Jamie. I believe wholeheartedly that God set aside my love life to be reserved for him… that God has a plan in bringing us together. And I am grateful to God for that beyond measure.

But that love story will have to wait for another chapter… another day.

God Knows Best… Even with Love

Maybe you don’t have the luxury of hindsight bias right now. Maybe you’re so in love but feel a tug of hesitation on your heart that you just can’t shake… but the fear that this is your one chance to be truly loved is crippling you from letting go.

Pray. Be willing to trust God to know better than you… to trust that He loves you enough to say no to what you’re too scared to let go of… that He is looking out for you.

Maybe you feel you made the wrong choice & didn’t wait “long enough for God to work.”

Pray. Be willing to trust that God can redeem. God can rescue. God can heal. God can lead. God can strengthen. God can give wisdom. Trust that God can make a way where there is no way.

Maybe you feel imprisoned by your yearning to feel that you can be loved just as you are. You feel like you are destined to be alone forever because you feel it’s all you’re good for.

Pray. Be willing to trust that God knows what He’s doing. God doesn’t make mistakes & that includes you. God has not forgotten you. God has perfect timing. God is sufficient in ALL things… even this… even with love.

Shine HOPE by determining to obey God, even when it doesn’t make any sense to you, even when it feels it will render your heart unrepairable. Trust Him even then. Because let me tell you… God knows best… even with love.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

November 2023 Hope Mail (HAITI & INDIA)

Who do you know that would love a beautiful package filled with hope in their mailbox? This exclusive November Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Enjoy free shipping on this November Hope Mail package that includes our Joyful Nativity Ornament from Haiti, Sari Hope Hoops from India, and our Joy to the World Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

My Childlike Faith Slipped Away… & I Went with It

So, my family watched Left Behind & my world was SHOOK. (Read about how that started in Chapter 2.)

All of a sudden, I didn’t want to run from my questions anymore. I NEEDED answers.

I looked up Bible verses. I asked questions of my Christian friends. I asked my parents & church leaders. I became obsessed with wanting to know FOR SURE that I had the right answer… the true hope… in Jesus… that I wasn’t believing amiss.

I remember being SO jealous of people at church that just seemed to BELIEVE what they heard without questioning everything.

That childlike faith was no longer in me. I wanted to know.

Looking Deeper

Now that I am older, I can see some things at play here.

1. Questions are not sinful. God is SO far above & beyond us, that it makes sense for us to not understand… & for us to want to—this is a reason why God gave us His Word, the Bible!
2. Satan likes to take these questions & make you tempted to doubt God altogether… either to render you fruitless in your faith, to make you miserable, or to make you turn away from God altogether. Be careful!
3. We need to make sure that our questions don’t get mingled in with a subtle built-in “excuse” to sin. AKA, “well, if God ISN’T real, maybe that’s okay because then I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to do something God calls sin.” BE CAREFUL HERE!

I was ALL 3 at different points.

It Started with Legitimate Questions–I Wanted to Know What (Who) I Could Put My Full Faith In

I had legitimate questions being a limited human being serving a limitless God. His grace is beyond reasonable because it’s completely underserved. He made EVERYTHING. Plus, the world around us claims so many lies that they believe 100% that it seems the current is constantly flowing AGAINST you.

But Satan also used the questions to make me doubt God & start trying to find “backups” “in case God didn’t come through for me.” I mean, sometimes I would pray for something—like the end of a struggle—& the hard would just remain… sooo….

I Wanted to See for Myself

And so then, number 3… I started using my doubts as an excuse. I didn’t WANT to keep acting in that willpower I talked about last week. It was tiring trying to be a perfect Christian all the time (in my own strength), seeing other Christians seem to care far less about pleasing God… wishing I could care less, too… wishing I could do things God called (or hinted as) sin without feeling so bad about even the thought of it.

I started thinking up “loopholes” to God’s Word (I put loopholes in quotes here because, really, God isn’t fooled.)

My very real questions became my “excuse” to bend the rules… to look elsewhere for happiness… “just in case.”

But boy was I setting the stage for my own ruin. I was heading toward destruction. Part of me knew it & part of me didn’t care anymore. I wanted to see for myself.

Heading Out into Choppy Waters

And so the journey became more & more choppy. I had so MANY questions & no matter how many people I asked for answers, I always came back to the same conclusion: “to err is human.” And that being true, how could I trust any answer given to me by any living human being or any human in history?

How could I trust a Bible I wasn’t around to see completed? What if it was all made up? What if it really was just a bunch of men coming together? What if it was faked?

How could I trust physical evidences of God, the Bible, biblical history, etc., if evidences were faked all the time about other things?

How could I prove God if I couldn’t see Him, hear Him, feel Him, etc.?

Okay, so I trusted Jesus to save me, somehow even in all of that turmoil… but what if there were other ways to God? What if I was wrong?

I grew up a Christian, in a Christian home. What if I was just brainwashed by my upbringing. Not lied to, but believing only because I was told it was what I ought to believe?

What if God just made me & saved me & just doesn’t care about me much beyond that? What if He doesn’t even know what’s going on on earth or just doesn’t care?

The questions swirled & raged & tormented me. Nothing in life felt certain anymore. Nothing made sense. Nothing was sure. I didn’t know what to believe. I was scared.

Then my depression began to spiral. And everything got a whole lot worse.

I Thought God Wasn’t Listening… But He Had a Plan All Along

I no longer had a firm, steady, sure foundation, so when the depression symptoms began to creep in & the consequences of that started to show themselves & Satan started to exploit all of that… I didn’t have anything to hold on to. (Read more about how to recognize the different parts of depression so you can fight back, here: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

I prayed for freedom from it. It didn’t come.

I prayed for an escape from it. It didn’t come.

The lack of response reinforced all of my doubts & all of my fears. I felt like God could care less about me.

I cried all the time, begging Him to help me… & yet the inescapable, gut-wrenching pain inside of me raged on—there was no escape… no relief… no freedom.

I Went My Own Way… Big Mistake

I was a prisoner in my own mind. No help came. No hope was in sight.

So, my desperate hunger for happiness just consumed me. I no longer believed I could trust God could provide that for me… or would provide it if He could.

But the problem was that everything I turned to for happiness seemed to get ripped out from under me time & time again.

Desperation mounted. I begged God still. Pain continued still. So I chased after anything I thought could help me instead. And all of it failed me or proved insufficient.

Hiding Behind a Smile

I stopped asking for help because seeing someone judge me, not take me seriously, or just be plain clueless on how to help after I had mustered up every bit of courage to ask for help just left me feeling 10x more helpless. The despair would just engulf me completely because I felt it was proof that there was no way out.

I learned how to hide my pain behind a convincing smile, jokes, laughter… an air of “I don’t care because I’m just fine,” while inside I was giving up & losing hope.

“In high school, I learned to come home, greet my family, say something like, “I’m gonna go work on some homework!” with a pep in my step & a confident smile, walk calmly to my room, open & close it in complete silence, turn the lock, drop the smile, numbly walk to my bed, grab a pillow & a blanket, open my closet door, step in & close the door behind me as I slumped to the floor in the corner, hold the pillow up to my face & just sob (& scream) uncontrollably into my pillow until I had no more strength left to cry. Then I would slump against the corner wall against my pillow & just stare into the darkness for an hour or so, whimpering, begging God to make the pain go away. And when it didn’t, I started to think of ways I could kill myself with the least amount of emotional damage to my family.

For 2 years in high school, this is what a majority of my days looked like… & nobody knew.

Where Was God?

It was an internal gut-wrenching ache in me that was so completely overwhelming & all-consuming sometimes. No explanation either. Sometimes nothing even needed to trigger it. It made no sense—so when people asked me why I was sad, I had no clue how to even answer them because I just didn’t know… & that was frustrating beyond comprehension. It was maddening.

I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t let it stop.

I begged Him every single day.

He didn’t make it stop.

I doubted Him even more. Maybe He couldn’t help me. Maybe He just wouldn’t help me. Maybe He wasn’t enough. Maybe He didn’t care.

My hope was slipping away from me.

I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know 100% but every time God would give me a glimpse of relief or a happy day off from the pain, I would KNOW it was Him… a direct response to a prayer I had prayed… but then the doubts would win & I would accredit that relief to something else & move on.

All of My Support Slipped Away

All of my emotional crutches kept breaking.

My grades were trash… A’s & B’s turned into D’s & F’s, with occasional C’s.

Teachers that once praised me as the “good student” now saw me as someone who had given up & who didn’t care… so their faith in me evaporated & their praise & my good reputation went with it.

Many of my friends (not all!) were really no friends at all. I even got invited to a party with friends once, only to be uninvited because they had a limit & a boy someone liked had agreed to go… so I was dropped. Or the time a group of “friends” openly laughed at me, only to have someone speak up with a, “that’s not very nice” to their response of, “it’s just Michelle, who cares?” Quality friendship right there, huh?

I could do no right. I was a failure. I was broken. I was a burden. I was a joke. My pain was annoying. “Why can’t I just be happier?” I was frustrating. I was bleeding emotionally & no one noticed. No one knew how to help me. Some gave up trying. Others thought I was just dramatic. I felt alone.

So, I hid my pain away, pretending to be okay, crying alone in my closet most days when I got home as I described earlier.

The Night When Suicide No Longer Scared Me

And then came the night in my sophomore year of high school when I no longer cared to fight. I no longer saw any sign of hope. I had exhausted all of my failed attempts at happiness. My emotional crutches in life had all proved completely insufficient. I had nothing left. No safe space person in my life remained. I was alone. I had nothing to live for anymore. “Everyone’s life would be easier & less complicated if I just wasn’t in it anymore.” I was the problem & there was no other solution left.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

That was my final conclusion. There were no other options left. I was no longer scared of suicide.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

Either God Was Enough or My Life Needed to End

The weight of that reality weighed down on me so heavily that I could no longer hold up the weight of my own body.

I slumped off of my bed, slid to the floor, & lay face first flat on the ground with my arms at my side & I just wept into the carpet alone, while the rest of my world went on around me totally unaware.

And I cried out one more prayer to God & it was something like this:

“God, nothing works. I have tried everything. Everything that makes me happy, I have poured myself into only to see it’s never enough. Everything I relied on & cared about in my life has just slipped away from me. I don’t have anything left. I’m alone. I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t have strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I don’t want to try anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing left. I can’t do this anymore. If You’re not the answer, there is no answer. If You’re not the hope, there is no hope. There is nothing. NOTHING works. NOTHING is sufficient. EVERYTHING has failed me. I have NOTHING. I need You. I need You so bad. I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. Please show me that You are here, with me, right now—NOT off in heaven ignoring me or laughing at me as I struggle… but HERE WITH ME. SHOW me that You CARE about me, that You LOVE me. Show me that I can trust You. I NEED to KNOW I can trust You once & for all. I NEED You because there is nothing else. I need You. If You are not able to sufficiently show me Yourself that I can indeed trust You completely & that You’re here & that You care about me… just KILL ME already, because I have nothing left. I no longer care about the consequences of my death because the pain is drowning me & I have nothing left in me to fight it anymore. Show me You are real, that You are right here with me, & that You care about me… or let me die. AMEN.”

Not the Words I Prayed, But the One to Whom I Prayed

There’s nothing magical about that prayer. If you are struggling, then memorizing or quoting that prayer will do you absolutely no good.

No—what it came down to was me recognizing once & for all that there is only ONE God. Only ONE hope. No other. No other emotional crutches, no substitutes, no supplemental supports I needed were going to give me hope.

ONLY GOD ALMIGHTY. ONLY JESUS.

ONLY.

Nothing else.

And when I recognized that & came to Him with nothing else as my backup & I prayed from that heart recognition….

Something that none of my efforts ever could accomplish happened in a single instant.

God Had a Perfect Plan

Chills spread across my body. The ache lifted out of me like it was being super-vacuumed out of me. The weight just dissipated instantaneously.

I felt free.

I felt light.

I felt HOPE.

Sobs of relief flooded through me & I felt like I could BREATHE for the first time in 2 years.

And in that moment, as I brought myself up to sitting cross-legged on my carpeted bedroom floor, I felt as if a warm embrace physically wrapped around my entire being & I felt a flooding sensation of LOVE & SAFE just fill in every dark crevice of my soul.

The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable & overwhelming. I cried… but this time, it was from a relief & joy that flooded me.

And all of a sudden, I knew that those 2 years were an undeniable demonstration of His gracious, loving MERCY… of His indescribably GOODNESS. Because now I KNEW He is Who He says He is once & for all.

God Knew Exactly What I Needed

My doubts had taken over my life & left me rocky & unstable & unsure & all of a sudden, all of that just was swept completely away by an absolute assurance that God is GOD & that when I have absolutely NOTHING… if I have Him, I have EVERYTHING.

He. Is. My. ENOUGH.

God knew I would tirelessly credit everything & everyone but Him… that I would always put something else in the credits of my hope & joy. God knew He needed to strip away everything else I relied on as my security & hope for me to see that HE IS my Hope.

I know I still get pulled away by comforts & other things I try to support me. I still fail & mess up.

But now, deep down, I have an assurance like none other… that all I really need is Him.

He Is Worthy!

Why do I do what I do? Because I want YOU to have that SAME ASSURANCE flowing through EVERYTHING in your life.

That He is WORTH IT. That He is DESERVING. That He LOVES YOU INDESCRIBABLY so.

Living for Him is an honor. Living for Him requires sacrifice, but only for that which is far greater.

Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life

Why is this series called “Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life”? Because grace implies an undeserving, & wow is that an accurate depiction of my life.

How often how ungrateful I am. How often I chase other things for comfort. How often I want to wallow versus pray. How often I want to live for me versus give my all for Him.

I will forever be a work in progress. It will always be a grace-filled life because I will never deserve it.

But THANK GOD He will never give up on me & that He will never stop loving me….

The same goes for you, too.

So, shine HOPE by taking doubts to Him… by learning from my experiences & coming to that conclusion that HE IS WHERE YOUR TRUE HOPE COMES FROM & that even if you lost it all… if you have Him, you have it all. SHINE THAT HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Forest Critters Ornament Set (NEPAL)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! This adorable, festive Forest Critter Ornament Set from Nepal will add some adorable charm to your holiday decor! Each ornament set features four friendly forest critters made entirely out of 100% wool—a little fox, white bunny, gray squirrel, and an adorable hedgehog. Each Forest Critter Ornament Set is handcrafted using traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty in Nepal with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

“Oh, worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness!
Tremble before Him, all the earth.” (Psalm 96:9)

Holiness Really Is Beautiful

I came across this verse last night & thought, “I like that: “the beauty of holiness.”

When I try to live in a way that pleases & honors God, it really does make life seem to blossom. Even in the hard times, there is a ray of hope seeming to always shine. Life becomes richer & fuller & more meaningful.

How can this be? Because God’s ways are perfect because He is perfect. He knows everything & has perfect wisdom, so He can’t even make mistakes. I can count on His Word & His way, every time, to be best. Living His way really is beautiful.

Some Days in My Life I Just Feel Like the Definition of a Struggle Bus

I feel like I suffer/struggle a lot. I zone out, feel numb, struggle to do the simplest tasks some days because my brain just doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m emotional. I can get hurt very deeply when someone lashes out at me or misunderstands me & doesn’t seem to care for clarification. I take it too personally because I try so hard to be the best I can be & to be a friend to everyone I meet & to be respectful & kind. I care a lot, so when others don’t seem to… it hurts a lot.

Some days I’m just like, “Why does everything always seem to feel so hard for me sometimes?”

Plus, add in just everyday hardships, struggles, & trials. (AKA I feel like I am given A LOT of opportunities to lean into God for help.)

Can anyone else relate? Maybe my suffering seems trivial or pathetic to you. Maybe you get it completely because you feel the exact same way (or worse). Either way, this verse [Psalm 96:9] really is true–when I strive to live to please & honor God, it is a surprisingly great beauty in my life. It’s worth it.

We Tremble Because His Greatness Overwhelms Us

Every time I see something magnificent & so incredibly unbelievable, I literally begin to shake with awe & wonder, as tears burn the sides of my eyes. My throat tightens & I get overwhelmed with what I am witnessing in that moment.

For example, I once had the great opportunity to have a maybe 15′ long manta ray “fly” about 10′ above my head while I was scuba diving, blocking out the sun above me with its magnificent size & I actually cried from the overwhelming awe & excitement I was feeling in that moment because it felt so surreal. It was breathtaking. I will hopefully never forget how that felt.

The same can be true after I have been rebellious because I didn’t want God’s way in a specific situation or had a really bad attitude about something rather than trusting God with it… & then I witness His great patience, forgiveness, & help & I just get overwhelmed. I don’t deserve His love for me, nor will I ever deserve it–but He gives it anyway all the same. And sometimes that overwhelms me–in a good way.

Not Contradictory at All

Consider the second part of this Psalm 96:9 verse, trembling before God. Seems to sort of contradict any idea of beauty in holiness, doesn’t it? Like coercion… like you HAVE to, OR ELSE… like you’re doing it because you’re scared not to… like you’re considering God’s way as beautiful because you feel that’s how you’re SUPPOSED to feel.

When I read through Psalm 119 for the first few times, all about praising God’s way & God’s Word… that’s how it felt to me… that those many believers were just saying those sorts of things because it’s “what a good Christian ought to say about the Bible & God’s ways.”

But, no. That’s not it at all.

An Overwhelming Gratitude in Praise to God for His Steadfast Love!

That “trembling before God” bit is more the idea that you GET it… you SEE it… God is DESERVING… God is GOD & I am NOT.

But it goes even beyond that, because if you really think about it… even that can sound like obligatory praise of God, His Word, His ways, & living holy.

It’s realizing that God’s deserving is not “JUST” because He created everything, sustains everything, is the Beginning & the End, Alpha & Omega, All-powerful GOD… not “JUST” all that… but that He also calls Himself our Friend… our Father… & He gave His all, through Jesus, to rescue us from our own deserved ruin because of our sin against Him.

He’s not just deserving because He holds all power in Heaven & Earth, but because He has an all-encompassing, all-consuming, unrelenting, unconditional love for us every moment of every day, independent of our underserving, & because everything He does or tells us to do is filtered through that very deep, rich, REAL love for each & every one of us.

Deserving INDEED!

The Surprisingly Great Beauty of Holiness

That trembling in verse 6 is a response of “OH, WOW. I STAND BEFORE A HOLY, ALMIGHTY GOD WHO LOVES ME SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER, EVER BEGIN TO DESERVE!!! PRAISE GOD!!!”

And because of that understanding, I can look to the concept of holiness & think to myself, “HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS!”

When I strive to live for Jesus, to please Him & honor Him with how I live my life… it transcends whatever hardship I am facing.

It means no struggle is EVER wasted, because my response in it (even if because I had to pray & ask God for help with a right response) is a “rare, beautiful opportunity” to point to the GRACE of GOD. No struggle is ever wasted! (Read more about that in last week’s post: “Rare, Beautiful Opportunities… in the Midst of Our Deepest Hurts & Struggles.”)

ALL for HIS GLORY!

I don’t feel coerced… I feel honored to represent Him. Come what may.

Let me suffer… as long as I get to point to Him as my hope IN the suffering.

I don’t need strength… I WANT it. What I NEED… is Him AS my strength.

I don’t need to know/understand it all… I WANT it. What I NEED is a reliance on HIM.

I don’t need everything to be easy & comfortable again… I WANT it. What I NEED is to remember that He is my Enough even when it stays hard.

I don’t NEED everyone to like me… I WANT it. What I NEED is His love… & I have it, even when I least deserve it.

Choose to Listen to & Follow God’s Way

Are you trying to dance the fence? “Have your cake & eat it, too” as the saying goes? In other words, have your “faith in Him,” but live your way at the same time? Deep down you feel the ick in that, don’t you?

Trust me, it’s not the culture or your church or parents “making you feel bad about it.” It’s God’s Spirit telling you that you can never be truly satisfied until you humbly hand that over to Him & say, “God, if You choose to take this from me… I would rather have You.”

“For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

It’s not worth it trying to have both. Holiness, the striving to express love to God by being pleasing & honoring to Him in all things is ALWAYS worth it.

He Is Worth It

I mess up every day, all the time. But I have to bow that down, ask for forgiveness right away, & let the Holy Spirit take the reins when I just feel like letting my natural flesh win.

Obedience is not only right, it’s worth it. Living for Him is worth it. Living through prayer for His help is worth it. Living with Him as your only strength through hard times is worth it.

HE is worth it.

Holiness is beautiful because it’s a laying down of our broken, flesh-driven responses, attitudes, thinking, habits, & actions… either led by our deceitful heart, our rebellious flesh, or our limited human understanding… trading all of that to let God’s perfect & perfectly love-filled Word & way lead the narrative of your life instead.

We tremble, not because God is vicious, but because we understand we can never deserve Him, but are in complete awe & reverence because He offers Himself & His love to us all the same.

Deserving indeed!!!

What Are You Holding Back?

What are you making excuses for?

Where are you trying to dance the fence of “having faith” while still doing things your way in a certain area of your life?

What does God not have full control of in your life right now?

We will ALWAYS be a work in progress—until heaven—but let’s not wait. If God’s Spirit nudges us in an area, let us say, “God, letting You have this area scares me because I want it my way or this way. But remind me that You know better. Remind me You have full control & power to overcome anything I can’t. You know everything & You love me more than anyone else. Help me be willing to let You take that control in my life. I don’t deserve You, but You give Your all to me anyway. THANK YOU. In Jesus’ saving name, AMEN.”

SHINE HOPE by determining to strive to live a holy pleasing-to-God life, with His help of course!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Gingerbread House Set (INDIA)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! Display the darling Gingerbread House Set along with all your favorite holiday decor! This set of three, unique hand-painted mango wood houses will create a beautifully cozy feel when placed on your mantel or in a tablescape display. These eco-friendly, decorative houses are made from fast-growing mango wood, a sustainable byproduct of India’s mango fruit industry. Each house features unique natural wood grains and hand-painted gorgeous designs. Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India.

In addition to being eco-friendly with fast-growing mango wood, our Artisans use up ALL parts of the wood! Nothing is wasted. This leads to many variations in the set, showing off its natural beauty.

Every gingerbread house set has variations as a part of the Artisan-made charm!

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

So Many Opinions

I get a lot of differing responses to the fact that I run a blog & my own website.

Some have expressed that I (just by the very fact that I write a weekly blog) seem smug or as if my reasoning behind doing so is because I think I am somehow better than everyone else. (Ha! As if.) Some seem to think I have NO business doing this because of how obvious a mess I am. Some put me on a pedestal I don’t deserve to be on. Some think I do this because I am a “good person.” Some think I just want the spotlight all on me. Some seem to physically be struggling to hold back an eye roll to my face.

I don’t know what your opinion is, & honestly, to risk being rude, it really shouldn’t matter at all... because NONE of that should determine why I do this.

What Motivates Me?

In fact, if it were completely my choice, I probably would NOT be doing this. I don’t think my writing is good enough. I oftentimes don’t think my post has anything “inspirational” to say. I feel weak & inadequate & honestly, it really highlights so many areas of weakness in me that I would much rather sugarcoat, brush over, & move on from in private.

I really needed to establish early on what exactly motivates me on this blog journey. The opinion of others? Or honoring what God has put in front of me to do–to consistently be a presence that points repeatedly to God, through Jesus Christ, as my only true hope–good mood, bad mood, good attitude, bad one… whatever. All to Him. All for Him. All through Him. To God be the glory, Amen.

ALL struggles, pain, & weaknesses have the potential to point someone else who is struggling similarly to the only place I have found true hope—God, through Jesus Christ.

Keeping My Dignity or Letting Everything Shine for Christ?

I used to wonder why I struggle with emotions so much. Why it can be so easy for me to get so low out of nowhere.

If you have not personally experienced a situation or depression symptoms or a particular flaw/weakness, it can be quite easy to raise an eyebrow, roll your eyes, & think to yourself, “Well isn’t she begging for attention at every turn?” or, “How has she not figured this out yet?”

Trust me, I am sometimes tempted to keep my mouth shut because SOMEtimes negative reactions from people are more common than prayerful, patient, gracious responses. And, let’s be honest… I want to keep some form of dignity intact.

God Has Me… No Matter the “Even If”

I used to cry & ask God, “WHY?!” Why do I have to drop so low out of seemingly nowhere sometimes? Why do things that seem normal to so many people have to feel like an all-out battle for me? Why does the darkness keep trying to take me under it?

And guess what, sometimes I still feel that way when going through a dark day. Truly.

But, as I was reading one of Paul’s letters, inspired of God in God’s Word (the Bible), he was talking about prison & going places where he was wanted as dead… & yet he faced them with joy & hope, because He knew God NEVER wastes our pain. He ALWAYS has a plan. He’s completely sufficient IN them. And in those places, Paul KNEW he could have a rare & beautiful opportunity to shine HOPE to people who would otherwise never come near him or bother to listen. He could share the hope of Jesus where few dared to go… & come what may, because of Jesus… he had Heaven to look forward to, knowing God had him no matter the “even if.”

And it dawned on me. When we go through hard things in life that bring us incredibly low, we have that same rare, beautiful opportunity to shine HOPE to people who would otherwise never care to listen about Jesus.

Even Here, God CAN… Even Here… There Is HOPE in JESUS

When you are brought to low places, other people in those same low places can get a glimpse that “EVEN HERE” God CAN. Even HERE, there is HOPE in Jesus.

Do I like having all of these hard situations, emotions, failures, weaknesses? Definitely no. But I can glory in the LORD & PRAISE Him for them because they take me to places where people can relate & can clearly see that EVEN IF… God is enough… JESUS’ sacrifice offers HOPE… REAL, I-CAN-COUNT-ON-IT HOPE.

Is it more comfortable to save face? Oh, yes. But is it worth it to save face? No, not at all. I don’t ever want to waste one of those rare, beautiful opportunities.

No matter what I face, even if it’s where I got to myself… I want everything to point back to Him.

Sometimes I Have to Pray for the Right Mindset to Bring God Glory Versus My Natural Wanting to Crawl in a Hole & Hide

I do not always have a good attitude about it right away, either. Sometimes, I’m like, “NOPE, this one is being kept to myself…” but then I realize: then what is the point of the hard experience if God won’t be glorified in it? I don’t want to waste it! Because, no matter how HARD something may be, He is ALWAYS sufficient in it. And not a just enough sufficient, but an overflowing sufficient.

Listen. I have been in some dark places. I’m sure many have been through way worse than me, though.

But in those darkest of places, even if mine seem trivial in comparison to your own… let my life be a constant reminder that you can look to Him & you can find HOPE there & only there.

Where Does My Hope Come From… from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven & Earth!

Sure, it may feel that hope is accessible in many different places & forms… but LASTING, no-strings-attached, covers ALL… HOPE… is ONLY found in Jesus. Periodt.

And no matter how weak it may make me look, or how pathetic, or whiney, or sad, or annoying, or “show-off-y.” I don’t care. I want everything in my life to remind you that HE IS WHERE YOUR HOPE COMES FROM.

Verse Reminders AKA Truth Reminders

“I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2)

“My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah (Psalm 62:5-8)

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son [Jesus}, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:16-17)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, [or face suffering/trials], or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31) (brackets added)

My Prayer

 “God, I know I have the tendency to want to be what people want… to save face… to be liked… to appear strong & put together… to not make a scene & to stay in the shadows when I feel less-than… to not seem whiney… to not put all of my less-than”ness” on display. Forgive me for wanting to make it only about me… about my comfort… about my reputation… about people accepting/liking me. Please continue to remind me that my pain, my failures, my weaknesses, my struggles are all rare, beautiful opportunities to be brought low so that I can point to You as my only true HOPE in ANY & every situation in life. Use my weaknesses & failures to glorify Your name. THANK YOU for sending Jesus for us. We don’t deserve You. We don’t deserve our wrongs against You living for ourselves & by our own way, to be covered by & through Jesus. THANK YOU for not leaving our forgiveness up to us. THANK YOU for MAKING a way, through Jesus. HELP ME to be a light for You NO MATTER the circumstances. You are beyond worth it. BE my strength. BE my comfort. BE my refuge…. COME WHAT MAY. In Jesus’ Almighty name, AMEN.”

Rare, Beautiful Opportunities… In the Midst of Our Deepest Hurts & Struggles

What are you struggling with right now?

What weakness seems to creep up on you too many times to comfortably admit?

What hurts you?

Where do you feel alone?

What brings you low?

And how can those areas become rare, beautiful opportunities to rely on & point to hope in Jesus?

Will you let those hurts/struggles be wasted? Or will you use them to point to God as your truest sufficiency come what may?

Where can you use those areas to shine a light of hope in Jesus to the world watching around you?

SHINE HOPE by determining to not let your human struggle to go wasted… to use it all as rare, beautiful opportunities to give God glory.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Hand-Carved Acorn Set (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – while supplies last! This adorable set of three wooden acorns is meticulously hand-carved in India by women earning fair wages for their work. Each acorn features a hand-carved tag tied with satin ribbons that say: “gather,” “grateful,” and “blessed”. Made of eco-friendly mango wood, a fast-growing, sustainable byproduct of India’s mango fruit industry and the acorn stem at the top is made from antiqued aluminum.

*****Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Is It Really That Bad?

It’s easy to look at someone else’s situation & think to yourself, “Is it really as bad as they make it out to be, though?” Have you ever thought that?

Regretfully, I have.

Have you ever had someone judge you in that way? Maybe with a chronic illness or migraines or something where others may think you’re exaggerating? Regretfully, it’s a yes for me to this as well.

And to those of you who make conscious effort to give people the benefit of the doubt when you don’t understand or don’t see the validity of someone’s struggle… BLESS YOU.

(Note: If you are a friend who has confided in me, having context & backstory, as friends, makes it less likely I will doubt what you say… but I don’t have that context with people I don’t know very well–& that should make no difference.)

Always Extend Grace

A friend recently said in our conversation that assumptions are never a good idea & that (as I have posted about on here before), even if someone is hurtful to me one day, it could have been a very bad, off day for them & I was just the recipient of outpoured stress. Still not kind or okay, but it may not be their all-the-time view of me. It may just be that they’re stressed & I got in their path.

That’s one reason I believe that God stresses the importance of extending grace to others. You just don’t know what they’re going through. Was it right? No. But I can ask God to help me take my personal feelings out of the equation, have compassion for whatever is causing them to lash out this way, & I can pray for them. Always extend grace.

I’m Not Even 4o Yet… How Can My Body Hurt This Much?

Look, I’m not even 40 yet (although November is coming quickly!) & I already feel like I have the body of an 80-year-old woman.

I get it. I’m aging. The stereotypical jokes after 30 start focusing a lot more on the whole sore &/or creaking back you can get just from standing up from sitting. It doesn’t take much.

But this seems worse to me somehow. Like, commonly I can lean over to wipe a child’s short desk (I am an aide for a class with littles) with a cleaning wipe or PICK UP A PIECE OF PAPER & my back reacts like that “WOAH” wide-eyed shocked emoji. It seizes up with sharp pain & I almost feel as if I’ve gone & thrown my back out from PICKING UP A PIECE OF PAPER. Like, WHAT?!

Trying to Explain Something to Someone That Doesn’t Even Make Sense to Me…

And just like my sudden overwhelm of emotions that send me into sobs for absolutely no reason when hormones are going crazy before a certain time of the month… I have no legitimate cause to offer anyone for these pains.

Like, “Well, I don’t know. I picked up a piece of paper & my back stopped working.”

This is about where I get the slow eyebrow raise like, “you… what now?” And I want to just shrug & say, “Yeah, a piece of paper did this to me. I can’t even pick up a piece of paper that’s lower than table height or my back may decide to stop working. Not a ream of paper or a crate of paper. Just a single sheet. It’s really the leaning down motion that does it.”

Sounds legit.

And lately, when I turn (not even that quickly or forcefully), sometimes my back ribs will pop out of place for a minute, creating a sharp pain & being frozen in place until I can ease it back into place.

My body is falling apart on me, guys.

It’s Like… “I Promise It Hurts?”

And none of it seems legitimate enough to warrant how much pain it can cause me. And it’s also not at all consistent, so that really helps when I am trying to get someone to believe me. Thanks, body. Thanks a lot.

I get it when people don’t get it… when they respond insensitively. I wish I could say I didn’t, but I do. I have made similar assumptions about others based on my own observations & experiences.

Shame on me.

It IS Up to Me to PRAY

It’s NOT up to me to decide whether or not someone deserves my compassion. It IS up to me to PRAY for them regardless of my opinion.

I have been in seasons of my life, like last year, that were unbelievably hard (moving from a place I loved back to a place I opposite-of-loved, with all the preparations & planning falling out from under us each step of the way & just living on a prayer, literally… to then a tumultuous, displaced beginning here where we could not find a home in our budget)... And to some people, I probably looked like a weak person for struggling so much. It probably seemed dramatic & exaggerative… I get it.

And to top it off, my back issues.

I was desperate for a sense of HOME, to feel settled & I really needed compassion. I was a whole lot more vulnerable than is typical. I felt displaced & hurting (physically & emotionally).

I need to look past my view of a situation & be ready to pray. Not judge it’s deserving… just PRAY. God knows their need. God is able to help them. So, I need to pray.

Just PRAY Anyway

Sometimes it really is about-attention seeking for people. Maybe they just really are feeling alone in this world, rejected by someone they love & trust, displaced, a chronic illness, a diagnosis… their world feels like it is spinning out of control. Maybe they put on a brave face so they don’t have to explain their pain to everyone who asks… If someone such as this chooses to share with me their struggle… I ought to pray for them… even if from an outsider’s view it seems “not so bad” because of how hard they fight to hide the weight of their true inner struggle. Just PRAY anyway.

Sometimes they do cry & it seems like all they ever do is cry. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s depression eating at their sanity… maybe it’s a trial in their life they don’t let known for shame or embarrassment. Maybe they really are just weak-hearted. I don’t know. But it’s not my job to know. It’s my job to care & to pray anyway.

Sometimes pain is obvious & consistent. Sometimes it’s sporadic & hard to see. Sometimes people try to play tough, so when they share, they don’t seem all too shaken up about it. Some don’t bother hiding it. Doesn’t matter. I ought to pray.

Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt… & Pray

The loving, God-honoring choice is to give others the benefit of the doubt… & pray.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) (emphasis added)

It doesn’t have to appear legitimate for it to be legitimate.

It doesn’t have to appear legitimate for me to show compassion.

It doesn’t have to appear legitimate for me to give it over to God & pray for them.

Shine HOPE by choosing to be kind, caring, & compassionate, even when their hurt doesn’t make much sense to you… & pray for them… always pray for them.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Girls’ Education Necklace-Silver (East Asia/Haiti)

Girls’ education is the key to a brighter future! This dainty feminine, necklace features a little key charm plated in Sterling Silver and made by women rescued from brothels in East Asia. Ten dollars from every Girls’ Education Necklace purchase is given directly to L’École Royale in Haiti. We understand the importance of children’s education to truly end poverty cycles in areas of extreme poverty.

*****Every purchase sends girls to school and helps support a sex-trafficking survivor in East Asia with safe housing, health care, trauma counseling, job skills training, and dignified income.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

When Trials in Life Hit Hard

I posted about this on social media last night, but I’ve been having a rough time. I’m not sure if it’s my depression playing tricks on my mind, hormones, lack of restful sleep this week, or even spiritual warfare (or maybe a combination of any of those), but I’ve been experiencing pockets of deep sadness… the kind of sadness that sticks in your throat like a lump… the kind of sadness that feels too heavy & makes me want to slump to the floor in tears from the weight of it.

AND I have been having anxiety pretty frequently—not worrying anxiety, but more like overstimulation causing my brain & body to sort of short circuit, like the room gets hot & feels like it’s closing in on me & my breathing & heartrate quicken & I feel jittery & numb & it just feels very weird & unsettling when it happens. My guess is all the quarantine & social distancing rewired my brain to where now it can’t handle stimulation like it used to & just gets overwhelmed far too easily.

And on top of all that, I am battling a huge migraine right now & sort of feel like throwing up.

So, that’s my reality at the moment—glamorous, I know.

I Have Heaven to Look Forward to, But I Have Work to Do While I’m Still Here on Earth

But even though I feel weak on so many levels right now, I have also seen God show up in my lacking. I have determined to stay faithful to my responsibilities today despite it all & have felt God helping me make it happen. I may not feel good, but I feel sustained.

Sometimes the inconvenience of my anxiety (aka stop everything & head to the nearest dressing room or bathroom stall at the mall so I can take a moment to take some deep breaths) & the deep pockets of sadness that hit me & other things like this impossibly annoying migraine I’m currently experiencing… & it makes me cry & say, “God, can I just go to heaven now? I’m so over this,” because I don’t like suffering.

But I have to be so careful not to let despair creep in & take over. If I am still here, it’s because there’s work left to do to bring God glory… & because God knows that He is more than enough for me… even on my worst days.

I have to be intentional in clinging to truth & clinging to Him.

Jesus Gave It All, And God Continues to Offer Me His All–He Is the Vine & I am the Branch

Yes, it’s true, because of what Jesus did for me—condescending Himself as God become man, dying the death I deserve for my wrongs against God, & being raised again, conquering both death & my debt to God, my sin against God—because of that, because I have put my trust in that grace that saved me, in Jesus—I can count on Heaven. I have that assurance to rest in when things feel so hard. Not because I’m enough, but because He is.

But God has work for me to do while I am here, to serve & love others, to be an encouragement, to edify & build up others by pointing to Him as my source of HOPE & reminding others where to run in every life situation—Him… To share JESUS.

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

My Purpose (& Yours) Is to Bring God Glory

As long as He has me here, it’s because He has good works He has planned in advance for me to do. My life has a purpose—to glorify Him, to make Him known.

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10)

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)

When Life Is Hard-Cling to Truth & Cling to God

And that’s why I must choose in the darkest of moments, whether it be a truly difficult circumstance or whether Satan is exploiting a situation to make me focus on how big the problem is & forget how much bigger my God is… when life is hard, I must choose to cling to truth & cling to God.

I must choose to trust that God is enough for me even when I am not enough for myself.

I must choose to let Him be my strength even if He doesn’t give me any of my strength back.

I must accept my frailty & cling to His almighty-ness.

I must let Him be GOD in my life.

Hard Doesn’t Have to Equal Bad Because You Can Rest It in God’s Almighty Hands

So, yes, days have felt pockets of hard times this past week, made worse today with my migraine… but God is enough for me in it & I will choose to cling to that truth & cling to Him.

I will choose to still live to give Him glory… because He deserves it… no matter what happens, good or bad. May it all lead back to His glory.

Maybe you’re feeling similarly. Maybe not. Maybe even worse than me. Choose to cling to truth, GOD’s truth. Choose to serve & live for Him anyway. Choose to cling to Him as your sufficiency & hope in all things. Choose to give God the glory.

Shine HOPE, even on your darker, harder days. Always.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Celestial Blue Handbag Strap (India)

This genuine leather Celestial Blue Handbag Strap has a stunning twisted design and is reversible, featuring cobalt blue on one side with white stitching and black on the other. Perfect to pair with the Eclipse Handbag and our Raven Belt Bag! This comfortable strap can be worn as a shoulder strap or could be worn as a crossbody.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in India.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Never-Ending Quest to Feel Good

God never promised life would be easy. Sometimes that is a hard truth to swallow.

I think it’s easy to get the truth twisted on that point because our fleshly humanness is ever-seeking pleasures & comforts, while God asks us to find our satisfaction in Him & to seek Him as our Comforter.

I want things to be easy. I want to not have to struggle, feel tired (sometimes beat up because I feel so tired), feel anxiety (not worry, but overwhelmed easily—maybe an after-effect of all the many months of quarantine/social distancing/avoiding being around people?)… I want it to feel easy.

But God never promised easy.

Satan Plays off of Our Natural Desires

And in that, Satan likes to play. He knows we are humanly bent toward seeking satisfaction our way, in ways that seem right to us… so, because that’s natural for us to feel, he aptly chooses to play into it, convincing me at times that God must not care about me because I can’t seem to find that satisfaction I seek, though I try so hard to find it.

But the reason I don’t find it during those times is because I get under the wrong impression that “how can a quick prayer be more effective than ______________???” & end up looking to what “makes more sense” or seems “more likely to work.”

The Who Is What Really Counts

Seems nonsensical & “overly spiritual” sometimes to imply that a simple prayer is what will really help. But, we have talked about this before, haven’t we? God’s impossible peace? How He can wash over me with reassuring, confident, comforting peace just from counting on it to come from Him ALONE versus anywhere else. It’s crazy, but it’s so real. (Read my previous blog post about “How You Can Have Impossible Peace.”)

When we consider Who the prayer is directed to, it changes the whole narrative. The Who is what makes prayer so powerful, not the words you say or rituals you try with it. It’s not a “repeat these words & all will be well,” but rather a, “trust in HIM & He will be your all through it.” (Read more about that in: “Do You Trust in Prayer or in God?”)

Why Don’t I Pray More Instantly?

Satan doesn’t want me trying that. He doesn’t want us to discover that the greatest satisfaction, comfort, healing, peace, LOVE comes from a God we can’t even physically SEE with our own two eyes… That God’s power is SO powerful & mighty that He doesn’t have to show a huge, grand display to show Himself awesome & almighty... That even a PRAYER holds more power than any effort we can make or any solution we can try because in it we are turning to the One Who holds ALL power in heaven & earth!

Satan doesn’t want us realizing that God is the only real, true answer in all that we seek.

You see, God is always sufficient… & not just a “good enough” sufficient, but an all-fulfilling, all-you-need, always reliable SUFFICIENT.

Easily Sidetracked, Easily Fooled

I believe Satan TOO OFTEN. I am like the stereotypical, “la-di-da… BUTTERFLY!” type of easily-distracted-by-shiny-things person.

Like, DEEP DOWN, I KNOW God has MORE THAN sufficiently proven Himself to be enough for me… & yet, little fleshly humanness inner me thinks, “yeah, but it would feel really satisfying, I bet, if I just [binged tv, tried to numb over, avoid, anything-other-than-prayed, etc.] instead.”

Dumb. Dumb, dumb, DUMB.

It’s no wonder God frequently likens humans to SHEEP. I just wander right off & have to have God AGAIN show Himself my Rescuer… my Enough. I’d be surprised if He doesn’t roll His eyes at me every time at this point, like, “well, here she goes again, trusting something other than Me to satisfy her…. She’ll get there. Give her a minute.”

When God Doesn’t Give Me What I Want When I Want It

Oh, & then there’s the fact that when things are really, REALLY hard & they in fact STAY hard, oh boy am I gullible to Satan’s lies.

I so easily can go from, “God, You are AMAZING. I will NEVER doubt You again because You have ONCE AGAIN PROVEN Yourself to me! Praise You from Whom ALL blessings flow!!!” to, “This is hard & You’re not stopping the hard, so maybe You forgot about me.”

[insert face palm here]

Easy does not always equal good & hard does not have to equal bad.

Hard Does Not Have to Equal Bad

Hard can lead us into the arms of God, where our soul longs to be in the first place.

Hard can force us to recognize that the only true source of hope that works is God Himself.

Hard can make the power of God so incredibly clear to us when we find ourselves so completely in lack.

Hard can offer a clear display to OTHERS how great God really is, in stark contrast to their recognizing how weak you actually are.

Hard can offer a clear testimony to the fact that God can offer peace IN the hard & does not have to rely on REMOVING the hard.

Hard is often a very good place to be.

But it is hard.

God Never Promises an Easy Life-But He Is Always Sufficient

God never promises us an easy life-but He is always sufficient. He promises a fulfilling life, one defined by the fruit He grows in us as we learn to lean into Him in every circumstance &/or feeling.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

He promises to be our ENOUGH IN the hard.

Learn to have an “Even If” mindset. “Lord, Even IF it DOES stay hard… remind me that You are sufficiently all I will need through it every step.”

Shine HOPE by pointing to Him as your hope, especially when life isn’t easy.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Aro Earrings (EAST ASIA)

These modern silver-tone, double-drop hoops from East Asia are stunning and make a big impact! Each earring is handcrafted by a woman leaving the brothels of East Asia to create a better life for herself. Make a fair-trade fashion statement every time you style your Aro Earrings!

*****Every purchase helps provide income, counseling, education, and jobs for women who’ve been rescued from the brothels of East Asia.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!