I Felt Fat, Ugly, & Unwanted

I grew up believing I was fat & that fat equals ugly & that ugly equals little to no value in the eyes of those around me.

Looking back on photos, I realize I wasn’t at all fat… I just wasn’t skinny or athletic… but that doesn’t change how I perceived myself back then.

Now, I would like to tell you that I immediately turned it over to God to trust that my value was in the fact that He made me & He saved me from myself, through Jesus… but, as I mentioned last week, I was still beginning to understand the fact that God is very present & wants to help with things like this.

So, I thought it was up to me to figure it out. And I thus sought to compensate for my very real feeling of LACK.

I Didn’t Fit In… I Mean I REALLY Didn’t Fit In

So, I worked out my own plan to help others overlook my so obvious slew of personal flaws with my weight, my clueless style taste, my never understanding jokes, my growing-up-homeschooled-as-a-kid (if you know, you know–when I was a kid, co-ops & other group sports & activities weren’t so established yet for the homeschool community as they are now), etc. aka I did NOT fit in.

I studied, by observation, what got the attention of my peers. What made them laugh, what they talked about, what they gossiped about. What they liked, what they made fun of, what they hated. I became a student of my peers, desperate to find a way to be of some value & find a way to fit in somewhere, to have friends, to belong, to be liked.

“Technically Not Sin…”?

Satan really fooled me on this one, just as he did with Eve all that time ago. (Genesis 3) He handed me an idea & I eagerly snatched it from his hand as the solution to my big problem. “As long as I don’t ‘technically’ sin, (aka sex-outside-of-marriage), then I’m sure it’s fine.”

By the way, in case you have convinced yourself otherwise (like I did), it’s NEVER a good idea to try to walk the fine line between direct disobedience & “technically” not sin. You’re certainly not fooling God & it never ends well.

But that is surely what I did. I became crass & crude, working for the shock factor. I dressed for attention. I trained myself in becoming appealing to others–to be likeable, easy-going, & have an air of confidence–all with innuendos & crude jokes.

The problem? Those others didn’t really even like ME. They liked the me I projected to them, didn’t they? Only a few actually knew the real me.

It became an act I couldn’t put down without risk of being found out as “just another fat, ugly loser” (again, how I perceived others would see me). That was my very real perception of the matter then & I was desperate not to be labeled in that way.

Why Words Matter

I am not proud of the me I was in that time in my life, but I can sympathize with her because I knew how scared I was to be alone in the world.

The pressure is very real. You overhear rude comments about others, see people criticized for every mistake or flaw on social media post comments, are told rude things by people you love… & it all feels like you better measure up or you’re worthless in this world.

Especially in middle school, high school & even college years. Words matter, people! How we talk about & talk to people matters.

Something Felt Off

I watched my peers carefully for, (no, I STUDIED) every chuckle, burst of laughter, knowing smile, reciprocated flirtations, shocked face, look of approval, etc. I was learning how to be what everyone seemed to want from me.

And I felt power in that… like a puppeteer who could spin a word or phrase into something inappropriate at the tip of a hat & watch as her audience responded favorably, internally smiling at the success.

I thought I had it all figured out. I was worth something. I was wanted.

But something felt off. Like a glitch that would jolt the success to less-than-satisfying, before I would shove that feeling down & remind myself that this is what I wanted.

But was it?

If this is what I wanted so badly, why did it feel kind of ick sometimes? What was I missing?

I Thought I Had It Made

Boys flirted with me every day & hit on me, like I was worth being hit on.

Everyone laughed at my crude crassness & my twisting of everything inappropriately to get the desired shock factor. People liked it.

I felt in control instead of a loser.

I felt desirable instead of fat.

I felt wanted.

So, why did something feel off?

FINALLY, I Wondered If God Could Help Me… But I Was Too Afraid to Really Ask

I started to finally pray about it & ask God His opinion… but I was so disillusioned that I wanted to believe my actions were far from sinful because I “wasn’t actually, technically doing anything wrong.” But every time I prayed, that disillusionment would slip a little & I would feel guilt & shame take its place. I didn’t like that.

That didn’t feel good. I mean, I wasn’t TRYING to be sinful, I just wanted to be wanted & liked so badly. I wasn’t trying to dishonor or displease God or anything.

Then it became too scary to pray. I didn’t like my successful measures being put into question. I was finally happy! I was finally wanted!

Or… was I…?

My Disillusionment Was Slipping

This went on for at least a couple years, surprisingly, even following my depression-shattering experience. (Read about that in Chapter 3.) I really was fooled. And I really was foolish.

But the pang seemed to only get stronger as time went on. My stuffing it down became less successful. Something felt off about all of it & I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t want to be the fat, ugly loser that nobody wanted. That seriously felt like my one alternative & I was NOT interested in going back to feeling that way.

But that pang became an ache inside my heart. I somehow felt used even though I was initiating the inappropriate comments.

I felt gross.

And as time went on, God helped me realize why… something He had tried to wake me up to many times prior: “What they love is not you… it’s who you pretend to be for them to like you…. That’s not real love. It’s all fake. It’s all a show.”

That hurt. It cut me deep. And it scared me. I didn’t want to be alone.

My Way Didn’t Actually Work… It Just Left Me Feeling Empty

All of it was for nothing, because deep down, I still felt like the fat, ugly loser I believed I truly was under the façade I had so carefully crafted for the world to see…. And if that façade were to slip for a single moment, or if I didn’t feel I had the desire to keep it up for even a day, I knew all of that would come crashing down & mean nothing because they would all see the truth.

It was exhausting, quite honestly. It had become my prison.

My desperate need to be wanted & accepted had caused my compromise that didn’t actually even fix or solve my problem.

So, timidly, I began to pray… SCARED.

I Was So Scared to Pray… That God Would Convince Me to Stop & That I Would Lose Everyone

I was terrified that praying to this end might mean the loss of everyone who supported me or cared about me… that they would see how boring & uninteresting & ugly I really was & that would be it… it would be confirmed as they all turned their backs on me & forgot I existed.

I was terrified of that!

But, I needed out of this prison somehow, so I figured that if anyone knew who I was meant to be, it would be the One Who made me—GOD.

So, timidly, I began to pray to that end, as scared as I was of the result.

My Prayers Went Something Like This:

“God, to be honest, I am scared to ask for Your opinion & help in this. I’m afraid that You will confirm what my heart suspects, that even though I am not “technically sinning” as I have determined, I am still dishonoring You with my actions. I’m afraid that it would mean I have to stop & that friends won’t want to be friends… that they’ll all gradually fall away because I won’t be interesting or fun anymore. I’m afraid they won’t want me as just a fat girl with nothing else to offer. I don’t know who I am anymore without this. This has been my life for YEARS. How can I just change? I won’t feel ME anymore & that terrifies me. What if there is nothing left if You take this away from me? What if I lose my value? What if I am alone? But God, something in me feels ick & I can’t shake it anymore. Something feels off. I feel trapped by this image I have created for myself. I don’t like that either. I don’t know what to do anymore. So, please, God… if ANYONE knows who I am… it would be You… because You made me. So help me to see who YOU made me to be. Even if I lose everyone I care about, I want to see me in Your eyes, how You intended… not my determining anymore. Your way. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

God Began to Shift My Heart & Make It New

I prayed something similar to that for MONTHS… & little by little, those quick retorts & innuendos just sort of faded away. I lost the desire to play along or try to play a part to be liked. It just didn’t seem to matter so much to me anymore.

I started to realize that I was going to be just fine. This confidence started to bubble up in me that I had never experienced before… like I didn’t really care if they approved of the changes in me or not anymore. It really surprised & delighted me.

That I was okay just being me.

Of course, I didn’t fully understand who that was really yet, but I felt okay letting God help me figure that out versus trying to mold to everyone else’s ideals, opinions, or desires of me.

God made me… not me… not them… GOD.

And I wanted HIM to have the final say on who I was from then on.

God Made Me, I Didn’t

If anyone knew who I was created to be, it was going to be the very One Who created me. My loving God Almighty, Creator of heaven & earth, Redeemer of my soul, through Jesus Christ.

If you are feeling stuck in a world of trying to fit in… to cover up or compensate for your flaws in order to feel “wantable” or accepted… just know that you aren’t alone in that. But also know that God is big enough in that struggle as well, because He made you & He loves you so very much. You don’t have to pretend with Him.

Shine HOPE, by not letting opinions, insecurities, the world, family, upbringing, culture, or anyone else define you. Leave that up to the One Who MADE YOU.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Cacao Tea (GUATEMALA)

Enjoy a smooth and flavorful blend of 100% Guatemalan loose-leaf tea, made of the roasted husks of cacao beans. Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala with safe jobs and fair wages.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Gaining a Sure Foundation

And there it was: I had surrendered my life to Jesus when I was just 5 (“Chapter 1“), gone through a whirlwind of doubts that sent my life into a tailspin, starting in middle school (“Chapter 2“), faced 2 of the darkest years of my life, only to discover that those dark years were a significant & sufficient display of God’s mercy & His truth (“Chapter 3“). All of my doubts on Who the true God were… were squashed. I now KNEW that I knew that I knew that HE was the right & only true choice for hope & heaven.

God had used that dark time to show me that if I had absolutely nothing, but I had Him… I had everything.

Hope was solidified. I was set free from my prison/whirlwind chaos of doubts. I was praising God for the darkness that had revealed Him as the one & only true light of hope. I now had a sure foundation on which to build my life.

A Forever Work in Progress

BUT, even though I had been a Christian (a believer on Jesus Christ as my HOPE from my sin debt to God, for heaven) since I was 5 years old & even though I had now had this magnificent display of God’s sufficiency, authority, & grace through the 2 years of depression being what squashed my years of unstable doubtings… I didn’t become perfect along with it.

I was still human (still am), which means I still made mistakes & had wrong thinking (still do).

Sanctification, the weeding out (by God’s Holy Spirit working in us) of the human nature/fleshly will, actions, thoughts, etc. & replacing them with that which honors & pleases God, is something that will not be completed in its entirety this side of Heaven. I will forever be a work in progress.

And although I strive to lay down or put away from me those things that dishonor or displease God, I am never going to be perfect at it. And the more I grow, the more I see my very real need for Jesus.

Failing Forward

We grow up observing the world around us & drawing conclusions & forming patterns of thinking that we don’t always think to stop & question whether they entirely line up with God’s will & way. That’s why we need His help working in & through us.

There are many instances throughout my life that I could very clearly see that while I would be tempted to drown in the ocean of my recognized inadequacies, God so graciously takes me one step at a time, in His patient, kind, gentle timing.

Sometimes, He didn’t even address the main thing that, looking back on, I would call the more important issue. He knew I am human & am flawed & have flawed human thinking. He took me one step at a time, patiently, kindly, gently. They weren’t the end-all-be-all for Him.

I think at times that I am more pushy with myself than He is with me. It’s as if He has this overarching understanding that “Jesus paid for & sufficient in that inadequacy, too,” that I forget sometimes. It’s just me failing forward.

Not Used as an Excuse When We Know What Is Right or Wrong, Though

Now, do not misunderstand me on this. I am not saying He excuses wrong thinking/actions as “not that bad” or that I ought to not take it seriously in my seeking to honor & please Him with my life because of Jesus covering it.

I am saying: If it is not directly a sin or an act of disobedience against Him, but merely skewed understanding or an immaturity in an issue that I still need to grow in… He is patient in leading & growing me versus, “YOU MUST UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING RIGHTLY RIGHT NOW, OR ELSE!” Sanctification will take a lifetime+ & He very well knows that.

He knows those things don’t change my status of rightness before Him because Jesus’ perfection & sacrifice on the cross covers ALL of my imperfections & inadequacies & lacking. He is my Sufficiency.

But it ought never be used as an excuse to continue on in what He does call disobedience or sin… because that is very obviously NOT honoring or pleasing to Him. It’s disrespectful & mockery to the gift for which He gave His all through Jesus.

Learning to Trust Him Every Day

So, in the months that followed my release from my spiraled depression prison, He spent time building my trust in Him in the day-to-day versus just counting on Him for someday Heaven.

I remember so many little things of this nature, but obviously, even a book series could not cover all the ways He showed up in my life, teaching & guiding me in His perfectly loving, gentle, PATIENT way. Seriously, emphasis on PATIENT because sometimes I feel like God thinks to Himself, “Michelle, how many times do you need to learn this lesson to not have to learn it again?”

I was learning to trust Him every day, not just relying on Him for Heaven someday.

God Wants Us to Know His Character & His Love for Us

Yes, God cares about our obedience. Yes, God cares about our sin. Yes, God calls us to love Him with all we have. Yes, God calls us to honor Him with our choices & do all we do for His glory. Yes, God says to avoid certain things because He knows it will harm us.

BUT, God also cares that we know His character & His love for us just as equally as all of that.

The problem is, sometimes it’s just really hard to marry the two. The tendency is to either focus so much on His call for obedience & holiness that we see God as a bossy, controlling Master, OR, we focus so much on His love that we excuse away our slack choices & wrong behavior/thoughts “because God loves us.”

BOTH are wrong on their own. We need both TOGETHER.

God Wants Me to Know HIM, Not Just One Side of Him

So, after He made it irrefutably clear to me, through those 2 years of dark depression, that He alone is the One, True God, squashing my doubts about His authority, His offered salvation, & His love for me once & for all… He then began to reveal more of Himself to me as I sought to know Him more.

I wanted to KNOW Him, not just casually, but personally. It didn’t happen overnight… it takes a lifetime+ of learning to obey Him & trust Him. (Hint: Obedience Grows Faith.)

And little by little, as I called out to know & love Him more… He lovingly revealed Himself as trustworthy, caring, & kind through small acts of love. Nothing extraordinary… except to me.

A Small Display of His Kindness

There was one instance in particular that stands out to me & it happened more than once.

I would be out shopping, come across a DVD I had been wanting ON SALE, would get excited… & then feel a complete void of peace about buying it.

I would scoff & think, “Oh, what, is this not good enough? Am I supposed to only buy boring movies now? Is this wrong? Nothing in it is really bad because there’s no inappropriateness in it, but I guess it’s not good enough? (I automatically always assumed God was a dictator guilting me away from any & all fun to “prove myself worthy”–the whole problem that led to my depression spiral–can you see how I never seem to learn my lessons the first 10 times?) Maybe I’m just imagining it because it’s not a Christian movie or something. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe God doesn’t care. I’ll just get it. No, I can’t… something feels off & I can’t get over it. I’ll just keep shopping, keep it in my cart, & pray about it until checkout time. Then, I’ll decide.”

I would get in checkout, pray one last time, & still feel this wall of “don’t pass” aka a complete lack of peace about it & I would take a deep breath of resignation & say, “Ok, God. You win. I don’t get it, but I know You’re pushing back on this for whatever reason & I don’t want to risk disobedience if that really is the case here, so I won’t get it, okay? I won’t get it.” And I would tell the cashier I changed my mind on the DVD & move on.

God Is GOD. I am NOT… &, He Loves US

A week later? I would find that exact DVD at a thrift store for 50 cents OR a friend would have gotten an extra as a birthday gift & decided to give me the spare–like I said, this happened more than once & this was my thought process each & every time. I’m dense sometimes, I know.

God knew. I didn’t. I accused Him left & right when all He was doing was saying to me, “Michelle, I know everything. You don’t. I see everything in advance. You don’t. PLUS, I care about you. You can trust me, Michelle. I love you more than you know.”

He didn’t address the “whether I should get it” or the “whether it really was the best choice….” To look back & think, “wow, that was not the best choice for me to be making, but He let me make it knowing He is big enough to work through even my less-than-best choices.” God doesn’t jump to guilt trips, manipulation, shaming, etc. He gently, lovingly, & PATIENTLY guides us.

And oh how humbling that is!

He Is Not My Accuser; He Is My Redeemer

He is not shoving all of my shortcomings in my face, but rather, He is gently bringing attention to them one-by-one & walking me through them hand-in-hand, gently & lovingly sanctifying me, even then, all those years ago.

He knows it’s not a matter of my salvation—Jesus paid for that & I already accepted that free gift. Nothing I can do will ever earn & repay that. I am not enough. Period.

He knows it is not a matter of direct disobedience to His Word—AKA “I know the Bible says NOT to do this, but I found a loophole to enjoy it & ‘get away with it.’” That would make a mockery of His gift, a spitting in His face action.

But He is also not at all satisfied leaving me in my brokenness & He will always be diligent in fighting for me through His working in my heart, thoughts, & life. Because He cares too much for me not to.

Same goes for you, too.

Choose Him Today & Every Day After

If you have been rejecting or “putting off” accepting His gift, please stop it. You’re only hurting yourself. He’s worth it.

If you think you would be “missing out” by accepting His gift or living His way, that is a huge, fat LIE. He IS our fulfillment.

Our heart is so deceitful & wicked. We are bent toward sin nature, so it feels natural—because it is! But God is worth our surrendered hearts. He CARES for us & KNOWS what’s best for us. He can be trusted every time.

This was only the beginning.

Seek to Know & Love Him More… & He Will Reveal Himself to You

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) He longs for you to know Him.

If you struggle to see Him in small moments such as my DVD instances, ask Him. Say to Him, “God, I want to know You like that. I want to trust You more. I want to live through Your help & guidance more so I can please & honor You more. And please help me to do my best to please & honor You even if I struggle. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. (Mark 9:24) In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

Doubting is not an excuse to sin or to live your way over His. Seek Him & You WILL find Him–He wants to be found by you.

Shine HOPE by being a living testimony to the fact that God CAN be trusted & He LOVES us so much more than anyone else ever could.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Festive Card Set (HAITI)

LIMITED EDITION – While Supplies Last! Send cheerful and unique Christmas wishes to all your loved ones with this set of four festive cards from Haiti with colorful hand-embroidered and printed designs on the front.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Haiti.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

My Childlike Faith Slipped Away… & I Went with It

So, my family watched Left Behind & my world was SHOOK. (Read about how that started in Chapter 2.)

All of a sudden, I didn’t want to run from my questions anymore. I NEEDED answers.

I looked up Bible verses. I asked questions of my Christian friends. I asked my parents & church leaders. I became obsessed with wanting to know FOR SURE that I had the right answer… the true hope… in Jesus… that I wasn’t believing amiss.

I remember being SO jealous of people at church that just seemed to BELIEVE what they heard without questioning everything.

That childlike faith was no longer in me. I wanted to know.

Looking Deeper

Now that I am older, I can see some things at play here.

1. Questions are not sinful. God is SO far above & beyond us, that it makes sense for us to not understand… & for us to want to—this is a reason why God gave us His Word, the Bible!
2. Satan likes to take these questions & make you tempted to doubt God altogether… either to render you fruitless in your faith, to make you miserable, or to make you turn away from God altogether. Be careful!
3. We need to make sure that our questions don’t get mingled in with a subtle built-in “excuse” to sin. AKA, “well, if God ISN’T real, maybe that’s okay because then I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to do something God calls sin.” BE CAREFUL HERE!

I was ALL 3 at different points.

It Started with Legitimate Questions–I Wanted to Know What (Who) I Could Put My Full Faith In

I had legitimate questions being a limited human being serving a limitless God. His grace is beyond reasonable because it’s completely underserved. He made EVERYTHING. Plus, the world around us claims so many lies that they believe 100% that it seems the current is constantly flowing AGAINST you.

But Satan also used the questions to make me doubt God & start trying to find “backups” “in case God didn’t come through for me.” I mean, sometimes I would pray for something—like the end of a struggle—& the hard would just remain… sooo….

I Wanted to See for Myself

And so then, number 3… I started using my doubts as an excuse. I didn’t WANT to keep acting in that willpower I talked about last week. It was tiring trying to be a perfect Christian all the time (in my own strength), seeing other Christians seem to care far less about pleasing God… wishing I could care less, too… wishing I could do things God called (or hinted as) sin without feeling so bad about even the thought of it.

I started thinking up “loopholes” to God’s Word (I put loopholes in quotes here because, really, God isn’t fooled.)

My very real questions became my “excuse” to bend the rules… to look elsewhere for happiness… “just in case.”

But boy was I setting the stage for my own ruin. I was heading toward destruction. Part of me knew it & part of me didn’t care anymore. I wanted to see for myself.

Heading Out into Choppy Waters

And so the journey became more & more choppy. I had so MANY questions & no matter how many people I asked for answers, I always came back to the same conclusion: “to err is human.” And that being true, how could I trust any answer given to me by any living human being or any human in history?

How could I trust a Bible I wasn’t around to see completed? What if it was all made up? What if it really was just a bunch of men coming together? What if it was faked?

How could I trust physical evidences of God, the Bible, biblical history, etc., if evidences were faked all the time about other things?

How could I prove God if I couldn’t see Him, hear Him, feel Him, etc.?

Okay, so I trusted Jesus to save me, somehow even in all of that turmoil… but what if there were other ways to God? What if I was wrong?

I grew up a Christian, in a Christian home. What if I was just brainwashed by my upbringing. Not lied to, but believing only because I was told it was what I ought to believe?

What if God just made me & saved me & just doesn’t care about me much beyond that? What if He doesn’t even know what’s going on on earth or just doesn’t care?

The questions swirled & raged & tormented me. Nothing in life felt certain anymore. Nothing made sense. Nothing was sure. I didn’t know what to believe. I was scared.

Then my depression began to spiral. And everything got a whole lot worse.

I Thought God Wasn’t Listening… But He Had a Plan All Along

I no longer had a firm, steady, sure foundation, so when the depression symptoms began to creep in & the consequences of that started to show themselves & Satan started to exploit all of that… I didn’t have anything to hold on to. (Read more about how to recognize the different parts of depression so you can fight back, here: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

I prayed for freedom from it. It didn’t come.

I prayed for an escape from it. It didn’t come.

The lack of response reinforced all of my doubts & all of my fears. I felt like God could care less about me.

I cried all the time, begging Him to help me… & yet the inescapable, gut-wrenching pain inside of me raged on—there was no escape… no relief… no freedom.

I Went My Own Way… Big Mistake

I was a prisoner in my own mind. No help came. No hope was in sight.

So, my desperate hunger for happiness just consumed me. I no longer believed I could trust God could provide that for me… or would provide it if He could.

But the problem was that everything I turned to for happiness seemed to get ripped out from under me time & time again.

Desperation mounted. I begged God still. Pain continued still. So I chased after anything I thought could help me instead. And all of it failed me or proved insufficient.

Hiding Behind a Smile

I stopped asking for help because seeing someone judge me, not take me seriously, or just be plain clueless on how to help after I had mustered up every bit of courage to ask for help just left me feeling 10x more helpless. The despair would just engulf me completely because I felt it was proof that there was no way out.

I learned how to hide my pain behind a convincing smile, jokes, laughter… an air of “I don’t care because I’m just fine,” while inside I was giving up & losing hope.

“In high school, I learned to come home, greet my family, say something like, “I’m gonna go work on some homework!” with a pep in my step & a confident smile, walk calmly to my room, open & close it in complete silence, turn the lock, drop the smile, numbly walk to my bed, grab a pillow & a blanket, open my closet door, step in & close the door behind me as I slumped to the floor in the corner, hold the pillow up to my face & just sob (& scream) uncontrollably into my pillow until I had no more strength left to cry. Then I would slump against the corner wall against my pillow & just stare into the darkness for an hour or so, whimpering, begging God to make the pain go away. And when it didn’t, I started to think of ways I could kill myself with the least amount of emotional damage to my family.

For 2 years in high school, this is what a majority of my days looked like… & nobody knew.

Where Was God?

It was an internal gut-wrenching ache in me that was so completely overwhelming & all-consuming sometimes. No explanation either. Sometimes nothing even needed to trigger it. It made no sense—so when people asked me why I was sad, I had no clue how to even answer them because I just didn’t know… & that was frustrating beyond comprehension. It was maddening.

I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t let it stop.

I begged Him every single day.

He didn’t make it stop.

I doubted Him even more. Maybe He couldn’t help me. Maybe He just wouldn’t help me. Maybe He wasn’t enough. Maybe He didn’t care.

My hope was slipping away from me.

I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know 100% but every time God would give me a glimpse of relief or a happy day off from the pain, I would KNOW it was Him… a direct response to a prayer I had prayed… but then the doubts would win & I would accredit that relief to something else & move on.

All of My Support Slipped Away

All of my emotional crutches kept breaking.

My grades were trash… A’s & B’s turned into D’s & F’s, with occasional C’s.

Teachers that once praised me as the “good student” now saw me as someone who had given up & who didn’t care… so their faith in me evaporated & their praise & my good reputation went with it.

Many of my friends (not all!) were really no friends at all. I even got invited to a party with friends once, only to be uninvited because they had a limit & a boy someone liked had agreed to go… so I was dropped. Or the time a group of “friends” openly laughed at me, only to have someone speak up with a, “that’s not very nice” to their response of, “it’s just Michelle, who cares?” Quality friendship right there, huh?

I could do no right. I was a failure. I was broken. I was a burden. I was a joke. My pain was annoying. “Why can’t I just be happier?” I was frustrating. I was bleeding emotionally & no one noticed. No one knew how to help me. Some gave up trying. Others thought I was just dramatic. I felt alone.

So, I hid my pain away, pretending to be okay, crying alone in my closet most days when I got home as I described earlier.

The Night When Suicide No Longer Scared Me

And then came the night in my sophomore year of high school when I no longer cared to fight. I no longer saw any sign of hope. I had exhausted all of my failed attempts at happiness. My emotional crutches in life had all proved completely insufficient. I had nothing left. No safe space person in my life remained. I was alone. I had nothing to live for anymore. “Everyone’s life would be easier & less complicated if I just wasn’t in it anymore.” I was the problem & there was no other solution left.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

That was my final conclusion. There were no other options left. I was no longer scared of suicide.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

Either God Was Enough or My Life Needed to End

The weight of that reality weighed down on me so heavily that I could no longer hold up the weight of my own body.

I slumped off of my bed, slid to the floor, & lay face first flat on the ground with my arms at my side & I just wept into the carpet alone, while the rest of my world went on around me totally unaware.

And I cried out one more prayer to God & it was something like this:

“God, nothing works. I have tried everything. Everything that makes me happy, I have poured myself into only to see it’s never enough. Everything I relied on & cared about in my life has just slipped away from me. I don’t have anything left. I’m alone. I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t have strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I don’t want to try anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing left. I can’t do this anymore. If You’re not the answer, there is no answer. If You’re not the hope, there is no hope. There is nothing. NOTHING works. NOTHING is sufficient. EVERYTHING has failed me. I have NOTHING. I need You. I need You so bad. I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. Please show me that You are here, with me, right now—NOT off in heaven ignoring me or laughing at me as I struggle… but HERE WITH ME. SHOW me that You CARE about me, that You LOVE me. Show me that I can trust You. I NEED to KNOW I can trust You once & for all. I NEED You because there is nothing else. I need You. If You are not able to sufficiently show me Yourself that I can indeed trust You completely & that You’re here & that You care about me… just KILL ME already, because I have nothing left. I no longer care about the consequences of my death because the pain is drowning me & I have nothing left in me to fight it anymore. Show me You are real, that You are right here with me, & that You care about me… or let me die. AMEN.”

Not the Words I Prayed, But the One to Whom I Prayed

There’s nothing magical about that prayer. If you are struggling, then memorizing or quoting that prayer will do you absolutely no good.

No—what it came down to was me recognizing once & for all that there is only ONE God. Only ONE hope. No other. No other emotional crutches, no substitutes, no supplemental supports I needed were going to give me hope.

ONLY GOD ALMIGHTY. ONLY JESUS.

ONLY.

Nothing else.

And when I recognized that & came to Him with nothing else as my backup & I prayed from that heart recognition….

Something that none of my efforts ever could accomplish happened in a single instant.

God Had a Perfect Plan

Chills spread across my body. The ache lifted out of me like it was being super-vacuumed out of me. The weight just dissipated instantaneously.

I felt free.

I felt light.

I felt HOPE.

Sobs of relief flooded through me & I felt like I could BREATHE for the first time in 2 years.

And in that moment, as I brought myself up to sitting cross-legged on my carpeted bedroom floor, I felt as if a warm embrace physically wrapped around my entire being & I felt a flooding sensation of LOVE & SAFE just fill in every dark crevice of my soul.

The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable & overwhelming. I cried… but this time, it was from a relief & joy that flooded me.

And all of a sudden, I knew that those 2 years were an undeniable demonstration of His gracious, loving MERCY… of His indescribably GOODNESS. Because now I KNEW He is Who He says He is once & for all.

God Knew Exactly What I Needed

My doubts had taken over my life & left me rocky & unstable & unsure & all of a sudden, all of that just was swept completely away by an absolute assurance that God is GOD & that when I have absolutely NOTHING… if I have Him, I have EVERYTHING.

He. Is. My. ENOUGH.

God knew I would tirelessly credit everything & everyone but Him… that I would always put something else in the credits of my hope & joy. God knew He needed to strip away everything else I relied on as my security & hope for me to see that HE IS my Hope.

I know I still get pulled away by comforts & other things I try to support me. I still fail & mess up.

But now, deep down, I have an assurance like none other… that all I really need is Him.

He Is Worthy!

Why do I do what I do? Because I want YOU to have that SAME ASSURANCE flowing through EVERYTHING in your life.

That He is WORTH IT. That He is DESERVING. That He LOVES YOU INDESCRIBABLY so.

Living for Him is an honor. Living for Him requires sacrifice, but only for that which is far greater.

Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life

Why is this series called “Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life”? Because grace implies an undeserving, & wow is that an accurate depiction of my life.

How often how ungrateful I am. How often I chase other things for comfort. How often I want to wallow versus pray. How often I want to live for me versus give my all for Him.

I will forever be a work in progress. It will always be a grace-filled life because I will never deserve it.

But THANK GOD He will never give up on me & that He will never stop loving me….

The same goes for you, too.

So, shine HOPE by taking doubts to Him… by learning from my experiences & coming to that conclusion that HE IS WHERE YOUR TRUE HOPE COMES FROM & that even if you lost it all… if you have Him, you have it all. SHINE THAT HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Forest Critters Ornament Set (NEPAL)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! This adorable, festive Forest Critter Ornament Set from Nepal will add some adorable charm to your holiday decor! Each ornament set features four friendly forest critters made entirely out of 100% wool—a little fox, white bunny, gray squirrel, and an adorable hedgehog. Each Forest Critter Ornament Set is handcrafted using traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty in Nepal with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

A Living Testimony

I have done this before, in a previous series I did years ago, but I am going to attempt a fresh take on the story of my life. (See the previous series, starting here: “Pivot, Pivot! #1: The Simplicity of Grace.”)

My purpose in doing this is not so that you will look over my life & think that I am deserving of praise, but so that no matter what stage of life you happen to be in, you can see the very clear blessing it is to surrender your life to the loving, almighty God who made you… NOW.

May this serve as a testimony of how much of a blessing it is to grow up a Christian… to surrender NOW (no matter how old you are) & not wait… to live a grace-filled life. A testimony of the beautiful grace of GOD ALMIGHTY.

Made to Give God Glory

We were made to bring God glory. All of us, whether we accept Him or reject Him. It is our purpose in life. Now, as God showed through the Pharoah in the retelling of Moses’ life (Romans 9:17), even those who reject God until death will serve as a highlight to God’s glory, to show others what NOT to do, essentially, & to show that no matter how much we fight God, He will win every time & that no matter how WISE & PROGRESSIVE we feel we’re becoming, our wisdom is NO match for that of God Almighty (1 Corinthians 3:19; Isaiah 55:9) & that no matter how much we reject God, He will pursue us with an opportunity for HOPE until the day we die (the day we meet our judgment before Him) (Hebrews 9:27) because that’s how much He loves even those who reject Him.

He desires that no one should perish but that all should come to eternal life in Him. (2 Peter 3:9)

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

But whether or not you get to personally experience the HOPE He offers, or whether you will bring Him glory through your rejection & missing out of that hope… God will be glorified.

I choose surrender. Not an “I give up” surrender, but an “I choose HIM over me” surrender.

The Sin Displayed in a Child

When I was a little kid, even from the beginning… maybe because I was the firstborn & felt pressure to be this way?… I wanted to please my parents & not get in trouble. But, I was still (& still am) human & I did act accordingly.

I begged at the grocery store, long after my mom’s nerves were shot, to be allowed a treat in the checkout aisle. I did the same when we were at any store, really… I wanted a toy or a new whatever. I think I saw my mom getting stuff & I wanted to feel grownup, too. But, nonetheless, I was no doubt headache-inducingly annoying sometimes about it.

I also have a sister 2 years younger than me, & we would get in all-out brawls. Slammed doors & “I hate you!!!” screaming & everything. The WORST was when Mom would make us HUG & say “I love you” “until we sounded like we meant it.” UGH. She would say, “friends come & go, but sisters are forever, so you guys have to make up & be good to each other.” (So, SO grateful for that now because I love having my sister as a best friend of mine. (This was long before my other sister-also a best friend of mine-was born.)

Sometimes I wouldn’t listen when asked to do something, because something else seemed far more important to me in that moment. Maybe I was styling my yard sale Barbie’s hair or coloring… any of which seemed more important than chores or helping my mom with something boring.

If you have kids, you are probably well aware of the fact that we are born sinners & my parents could probably list a LOT more things than I came up with here. As humans, we want what WE want. We want to serve SELF above anything else. It’s our innate nature.

I was no different as a kid.

Younger Years

I grew up going to church with my family. I don’t really remember too much about it from my preschool years, other than the nice people we went to church with, learning Bible verses for pieces of candy, or things like that.

But I do remember I owned an illustrated children’s Bible. I was curious about things I heard in church sometimes, although I didn’t always understand what it meant. I remembered hearing that God loved me & that Jesus died for my sins because it was often talked about… but I hadn’t really grasped on to what it meant.

It Clicked… I Was a Sinner… I Needed Jesus

Then there was one evening when I was sitting in bed looking at my children’s Bible around 5 years old & I remember seeing something about Jesus & asking God about it because I didn’t understand.

And at that moment, it clicked. Sin = things that made God angry? Sin = doing things God says not to do? Sin = why Jesus had to die for me?

And sin = not listening to & obeying my parents when they ask for my help with something? Choosing me first?

And sin = being mean to my little sister?

And sin = lying to my parents?

And sin = thinking mean things in my head?

I sinned. I was a sinner (still am). I make God angry. I do things God says not to do. I do things that made Jesus die for me.

And all of a sudden, I realized I was who that was talking about. (Well, not just me—but I certainly was not the exception to it!) I was the one needing Jesus to forgive my sins!

5 Years Old… Asking Jesus to Cover My Sins

It all seems so clear a memory looking back on it even right now, 35 years later. The weight I felt in my little kid heart. The need I felt for Jesus to forgive me so God would forgive me. I needed Him!

And so, I ran to my parents & asked them how Jesus could forgive me, too.

I remember sitting on the couch in our living room & my parents asked me questions about where this idea came from & what made me think I needed Jesus’ forgiveness. They wanted to make sure, no doubt, that I wasn’t just regurgitating words I heard from someone, but that my little child heart understood what I was asking.

And I told them it all. And I felt desperate that God please forgive me.

So, they walked me through it.

Jesus Saves! God Forgives!

God says, in Romans 10:9-10: “if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” (emphasis added)

So simple, even a child can understand, & yet so profound & life-changing!

“Repent [turn from your sin to God] therefore and be converted [let Him begin to change you to His ways over your own], that your sins may be blotted out [forgiven by God & washed away], so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” (Acts 3:19) (brackets & emphasis added)

“I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish.” (Luke 13:3)

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

5-Year Old Me Was Saved from the Eternal, Deserved Consequences of My Sins That Day!

So my parents helped me to confess my sins to God & to ask Jesus to cover that sin for me so that I could have forgiveness & eternal life in Jesus Christ. Not because of what I did or did not do… but because of what HE did on my behalf.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

And from that day on, my life was changed forever. I was set free from the consequences of my sin FOREVER… because of JESUS, not me.

More on that to come….

Growing Up a Christian–A Grace-Filled Life

I don’t know if maybe you’re tempted to believe kids are too young to get it… too young to hear about Jesus DYING for them. But let me tell you, they absorb much more than we often give them credit for & they need those words floating around in their brain as early as possible. Because, while God can meet you at any age… what a blessing it is to know Him early as I did.

Don’t EVER underestimate a child’s ability to understand their need for the Gospel… nor God’s power to reach into the heart of a little child & lead them to Him.

Shine HOPE by sharing the hope we have, through Jesus’ death & rising again, conquering sin & death on our behalf… even with the little children…. They’re listening.

“Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” (Luke 18:17) (Not that you have to BE a child, but to have a childLIKE faith. And if it requires us to have a childlike faith, then by all means… a child can have faith “worthy” of salvation, through faith in Jesus.)

My Prayer

God, many in my family are trying to live life their way, on their terms… & deep down, they know full well it isn’t working as they’d hoped. Open the eyes of their heart. Show them they need YOU. Break down their walls & bring them to their knees to humbly accept Your love & Your grace. You are enough. Break through & help them to have the faith of a child–not having to have it all figured out… but trusting You are full enough to fill in the gaps. Break their pride & lead them to the way everlasting…. And for those who struggle to preach the gospel to children, open their eyes through my testimony that You can reach into young hearts sometimes easier than the jaded adult hearts. Let us remember to be a light for You to any & every age. You can work where we see it impossible! In Jesus’ glorious, life-giving, gracious name, AMEN.”

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

October 2023 Hope Mail (NEPAL & KENYA)

*****Every purchase of this month’s Hope Mail provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Nepal and Kenya where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops and human traffickers.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

“Oh, worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness!
Tremble before Him, all the earth.” (Psalm 96:9)

Holiness Really Is Beautiful

I came across this verse last night & thought, “I like that: “the beauty of holiness.”

When I try to live in a way that pleases & honors God, it really does make life seem to blossom. Even in the hard times, there is a ray of hope seeming to always shine. Life becomes richer & fuller & more meaningful.

How can this be? Because God’s ways are perfect because He is perfect. He knows everything & has perfect wisdom, so He can’t even make mistakes. I can count on His Word & His way, every time, to be best. Living His way really is beautiful.

Some Days in My Life I Just Feel Like the Definition of a Struggle Bus

I feel like I suffer/struggle a lot. I zone out, feel numb, struggle to do the simplest tasks some days because my brain just doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m emotional. I can get hurt very deeply when someone lashes out at me or misunderstands me & doesn’t seem to care for clarification. I take it too personally because I try so hard to be the best I can be & to be a friend to everyone I meet & to be respectful & kind. I care a lot, so when others don’t seem to… it hurts a lot.

Some days I’m just like, “Why does everything always seem to feel so hard for me sometimes?”

Plus, add in just everyday hardships, struggles, & trials. (AKA I feel like I am given A LOT of opportunities to lean into God for help.)

Can anyone else relate? Maybe my suffering seems trivial or pathetic to you. Maybe you get it completely because you feel the exact same way (or worse). Either way, this verse [Psalm 96:9] really is true–when I strive to live to please & honor God, it is a surprisingly great beauty in my life. It’s worth it.

We Tremble Because His Greatness Overwhelms Us

Every time I see something magnificent & so incredibly unbelievable, I literally begin to shake with awe & wonder, as tears burn the sides of my eyes. My throat tightens & I get overwhelmed with what I am witnessing in that moment.

For example, I once had the great opportunity to have a maybe 15′ long manta ray “fly” about 10′ above my head while I was scuba diving, blocking out the sun above me with its magnificent size & I actually cried from the overwhelming awe & excitement I was feeling in that moment because it felt so surreal. It was breathtaking. I will hopefully never forget how that felt.

The same can be true after I have been rebellious because I didn’t want God’s way in a specific situation or had a really bad attitude about something rather than trusting God with it… & then I witness His great patience, forgiveness, & help & I just get overwhelmed. I don’t deserve His love for me, nor will I ever deserve it–but He gives it anyway all the same. And sometimes that overwhelms me–in a good way.

Not Contradictory at All

Consider the second part of this Psalm 96:9 verse, trembling before God. Seems to sort of contradict any idea of beauty in holiness, doesn’t it? Like coercion… like you HAVE to, OR ELSE… like you’re doing it because you’re scared not to… like you’re considering God’s way as beautiful because you feel that’s how you’re SUPPOSED to feel.

When I read through Psalm 119 for the first few times, all about praising God’s way & God’s Word… that’s how it felt to me… that those many believers were just saying those sorts of things because it’s “what a good Christian ought to say about the Bible & God’s ways.”

But, no. That’s not it at all.

An Overwhelming Gratitude in Praise to God for His Steadfast Love!

That “trembling before God” bit is more the idea that you GET it… you SEE it… God is DESERVING… God is GOD & I am NOT.

But it goes even beyond that, because if you really think about it… even that can sound like obligatory praise of God, His Word, His ways, & living holy.

It’s realizing that God’s deserving is not “JUST” because He created everything, sustains everything, is the Beginning & the End, Alpha & Omega, All-powerful GOD… not “JUST” all that… but that He also calls Himself our Friend… our Father… & He gave His all, through Jesus, to rescue us from our own deserved ruin because of our sin against Him.

He’s not just deserving because He holds all power in Heaven & Earth, but because He has an all-encompassing, all-consuming, unrelenting, unconditional love for us every moment of every day, independent of our underserving, & because everything He does or tells us to do is filtered through that very deep, rich, REAL love for each & every one of us.

Deserving INDEED!

The Surprisingly Great Beauty of Holiness

That trembling in verse 6 is a response of “OH, WOW. I STAND BEFORE A HOLY, ALMIGHTY GOD WHO LOVES ME SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER, EVER BEGIN TO DESERVE!!! PRAISE GOD!!!”

And because of that understanding, I can look to the concept of holiness & think to myself, “HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS!”

When I strive to live for Jesus, to please Him & honor Him with how I live my life… it transcends whatever hardship I am facing.

It means no struggle is EVER wasted, because my response in it (even if because I had to pray & ask God for help with a right response) is a “rare, beautiful opportunity” to point to the GRACE of GOD. No struggle is ever wasted! (Read more about that in last week’s post: “Rare, Beautiful Opportunities… in the Midst of Our Deepest Hurts & Struggles.”)

ALL for HIS GLORY!

I don’t feel coerced… I feel honored to represent Him. Come what may.

Let me suffer… as long as I get to point to Him as my hope IN the suffering.

I don’t need strength… I WANT it. What I NEED… is Him AS my strength.

I don’t need to know/understand it all… I WANT it. What I NEED is a reliance on HIM.

I don’t need everything to be easy & comfortable again… I WANT it. What I NEED is to remember that He is my Enough even when it stays hard.

I don’t NEED everyone to like me… I WANT it. What I NEED is His love… & I have it, even when I least deserve it.

Choose to Listen to & Follow God’s Way

Are you trying to dance the fence? “Have your cake & eat it, too” as the saying goes? In other words, have your “faith in Him,” but live your way at the same time? Deep down you feel the ick in that, don’t you?

Trust me, it’s not the culture or your church or parents “making you feel bad about it.” It’s God’s Spirit telling you that you can never be truly satisfied until you humbly hand that over to Him & say, “God, if You choose to take this from me… I would rather have You.”

“For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

It’s not worth it trying to have both. Holiness, the striving to express love to God by being pleasing & honoring to Him in all things is ALWAYS worth it.

He Is Worth It

I mess up every day, all the time. But I have to bow that down, ask for forgiveness right away, & let the Holy Spirit take the reins when I just feel like letting my natural flesh win.

Obedience is not only right, it’s worth it. Living for Him is worth it. Living through prayer for His help is worth it. Living with Him as your only strength through hard times is worth it.

HE is worth it.

Holiness is beautiful because it’s a laying down of our broken, flesh-driven responses, attitudes, thinking, habits, & actions… either led by our deceitful heart, our rebellious flesh, or our limited human understanding… trading all of that to let God’s perfect & perfectly love-filled Word & way lead the narrative of your life instead.

We tremble, not because God is vicious, but because we understand we can never deserve Him, but are in complete awe & reverence because He offers Himself & His love to us all the same.

Deserving indeed!!!

What Are You Holding Back?

What are you making excuses for?

Where are you trying to dance the fence of “having faith” while still doing things your way in a certain area of your life?

What does God not have full control of in your life right now?

We will ALWAYS be a work in progress—until heaven—but let’s not wait. If God’s Spirit nudges us in an area, let us say, “God, letting You have this area scares me because I want it my way or this way. But remind me that You know better. Remind me You have full control & power to overcome anything I can’t. You know everything & You love me more than anyone else. Help me be willing to let You take that control in my life. I don’t deserve You, but You give Your all to me anyway. THANK YOU. In Jesus’ saving name, AMEN.”

SHINE HOPE by determining to strive to live a holy pleasing-to-God life, with His help of course!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Gingerbread House Set (INDIA)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! Display the darling Gingerbread House Set along with all your favorite holiday decor! This set of three, unique hand-painted mango wood houses will create a beautifully cozy feel when placed on your mantel or in a tablescape display. These eco-friendly, decorative houses are made from fast-growing mango wood, a sustainable byproduct of India’s mango fruit industry. Each house features unique natural wood grains and hand-painted gorgeous designs. Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India.

In addition to being eco-friendly with fast-growing mango wood, our Artisans use up ALL parts of the wood! Nothing is wasted. This leads to many variations in the set, showing off its natural beauty.

Every gingerbread house set has variations as a part of the Artisan-made charm!

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

So Many Opinions

I get a lot of differing responses to the fact that I run a blog & my own website.

Some have expressed that I (just by the very fact that I write a weekly blog) seem smug or as if my reasoning behind doing so is because I think I am somehow better than everyone else. (Ha! As if.) Some seem to think I have NO business doing this because of how obvious a mess I am. Some put me on a pedestal I don’t deserve to be on. Some think I do this because I am a “good person.” Some think I just want the spotlight all on me. Some seem to physically be struggling to hold back an eye roll to my face.

I don’t know what your opinion is, & honestly, to risk being rude, it really shouldn’t matter at all... because NONE of that should determine why I do this.

What Motivates Me?

In fact, if it were completely my choice, I probably would NOT be doing this. I don’t think my writing is good enough. I oftentimes don’t think my post has anything “inspirational” to say. I feel weak & inadequate & honestly, it really highlights so many areas of weakness in me that I would much rather sugarcoat, brush over, & move on from in private.

I really needed to establish early on what exactly motivates me on this blog journey. The opinion of others? Or honoring what God has put in front of me to do–to consistently be a presence that points repeatedly to God, through Jesus Christ, as my only true hope–good mood, bad mood, good attitude, bad one… whatever. All to Him. All for Him. All through Him. To God be the glory, Amen.

ALL struggles, pain, & weaknesses have the potential to point someone else who is struggling similarly to the only place I have found true hope—God, through Jesus Christ.

Keeping My Dignity or Letting Everything Shine for Christ?

I used to wonder why I struggle with emotions so much. Why it can be so easy for me to get so low out of nowhere.

If you have not personally experienced a situation or depression symptoms or a particular flaw/weakness, it can be quite easy to raise an eyebrow, roll your eyes, & think to yourself, “Well isn’t she begging for attention at every turn?” or, “How has she not figured this out yet?”

Trust me, I am sometimes tempted to keep my mouth shut because SOMEtimes negative reactions from people are more common than prayerful, patient, gracious responses. And, let’s be honest… I want to keep some form of dignity intact.

God Has Me… No Matter the “Even If”

I used to cry & ask God, “WHY?!” Why do I have to drop so low out of seemingly nowhere sometimes? Why do things that seem normal to so many people have to feel like an all-out battle for me? Why does the darkness keep trying to take me under it?

And guess what, sometimes I still feel that way when going through a dark day. Truly.

But, as I was reading one of Paul’s letters, inspired of God in God’s Word (the Bible), he was talking about prison & going places where he was wanted as dead… & yet he faced them with joy & hope, because He knew God NEVER wastes our pain. He ALWAYS has a plan. He’s completely sufficient IN them. And in those places, Paul KNEW he could have a rare & beautiful opportunity to shine HOPE to people who would otherwise never come near him or bother to listen. He could share the hope of Jesus where few dared to go… & come what may, because of Jesus… he had Heaven to look forward to, knowing God had him no matter the “even if.”

And it dawned on me. When we go through hard things in life that bring us incredibly low, we have that same rare, beautiful opportunity to shine HOPE to people who would otherwise never care to listen about Jesus.

Even Here, God CAN… Even Here… There Is HOPE in JESUS

When you are brought to low places, other people in those same low places can get a glimpse that “EVEN HERE” God CAN. Even HERE, there is HOPE in Jesus.

Do I like having all of these hard situations, emotions, failures, weaknesses? Definitely no. But I can glory in the LORD & PRAISE Him for them because they take me to places where people can relate & can clearly see that EVEN IF… God is enough… JESUS’ sacrifice offers HOPE… REAL, I-CAN-COUNT-ON-IT HOPE.

Is it more comfortable to save face? Oh, yes. But is it worth it to save face? No, not at all. I don’t ever want to waste one of those rare, beautiful opportunities.

No matter what I face, even if it’s where I got to myself… I want everything to point back to Him.

Sometimes I Have to Pray for the Right Mindset to Bring God Glory Versus My Natural Wanting to Crawl in a Hole & Hide

I do not always have a good attitude about it right away, either. Sometimes, I’m like, “NOPE, this one is being kept to myself…” but then I realize: then what is the point of the hard experience if God won’t be glorified in it? I don’t want to waste it! Because, no matter how HARD something may be, He is ALWAYS sufficient in it. And not a just enough sufficient, but an overflowing sufficient.

Listen. I have been in some dark places. I’m sure many have been through way worse than me, though.

But in those darkest of places, even if mine seem trivial in comparison to your own… let my life be a constant reminder that you can look to Him & you can find HOPE there & only there.

Where Does My Hope Come From… from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven & Earth!

Sure, it may feel that hope is accessible in many different places & forms… but LASTING, no-strings-attached, covers ALL… HOPE… is ONLY found in Jesus. Periodt.

And no matter how weak it may make me look, or how pathetic, or whiney, or sad, or annoying, or “show-off-y.” I don’t care. I want everything in my life to remind you that HE IS WHERE YOUR HOPE COMES FROM.

Verse Reminders AKA Truth Reminders

“I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2)

“My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah (Psalm 62:5-8)

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son [Jesus}, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:16-17)

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, [or face suffering/trials], or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31) (brackets added)

My Prayer

 “God, I know I have the tendency to want to be what people want… to save face… to be liked… to appear strong & put together… to not make a scene & to stay in the shadows when I feel less-than… to not seem whiney… to not put all of my less-than”ness” on display. Forgive me for wanting to make it only about me… about my comfort… about my reputation… about people accepting/liking me. Please continue to remind me that my pain, my failures, my weaknesses, my struggles are all rare, beautiful opportunities to be brought low so that I can point to You as my only true HOPE in ANY & every situation in life. Use my weaknesses & failures to glorify Your name. THANK YOU for sending Jesus for us. We don’t deserve You. We don’t deserve our wrongs against You living for ourselves & by our own way, to be covered by & through Jesus. THANK YOU for not leaving our forgiveness up to us. THANK YOU for MAKING a way, through Jesus. HELP ME to be a light for You NO MATTER the circumstances. You are beyond worth it. BE my strength. BE my comfort. BE my refuge…. COME WHAT MAY. In Jesus’ Almighty name, AMEN.”

Rare, Beautiful Opportunities… In the Midst of Our Deepest Hurts & Struggles

What are you struggling with right now?

What weakness seems to creep up on you too many times to comfortably admit?

What hurts you?

Where do you feel alone?

What brings you low?

And how can those areas become rare, beautiful opportunities to rely on & point to hope in Jesus?

Will you let those hurts/struggles be wasted? Or will you use them to point to God as your truest sufficiency come what may?

Where can you use those areas to shine a light of hope in Jesus to the world watching around you?

SHINE HOPE by determining to not let your human struggle to go wasted… to use it all as rare, beautiful opportunities to give God glory.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Hand-Carved Acorn Set (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – while supplies last! This adorable set of three wooden acorns is meticulously hand-carved in India by women earning fair wages for their work. Each acorn features a hand-carved tag tied with satin ribbons that say: “gather,” “grateful,” and “blessed”. Made of eco-friendly mango wood, a fast-growing, sustainable byproduct of India’s mango fruit industry and the acorn stem at the top is made from antiqued aluminum.

*****Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Never-Ending Quest to Feel Good

God never promised life would be easy. Sometimes that is a hard truth to swallow.

I think it’s easy to get the truth twisted on that point because our fleshly humanness is ever-seeking pleasures & comforts, while God asks us to find our satisfaction in Him & to seek Him as our Comforter.

I want things to be easy. I want to not have to struggle, feel tired (sometimes beat up because I feel so tired), feel anxiety (not worry, but overwhelmed easily—maybe an after-effect of all the many months of quarantine/social distancing/avoiding being around people?)… I want it to feel easy.

But God never promised easy.

Satan Plays off of Our Natural Desires

And in that, Satan likes to play. He knows we are humanly bent toward seeking satisfaction our way, in ways that seem right to us… so, because that’s natural for us to feel, he aptly chooses to play into it, convincing me at times that God must not care about me because I can’t seem to find that satisfaction I seek, though I try so hard to find it.

But the reason I don’t find it during those times is because I get under the wrong impression that “how can a quick prayer be more effective than ______________???” & end up looking to what “makes more sense” or seems “more likely to work.”

The Who Is What Really Counts

Seems nonsensical & “overly spiritual” sometimes to imply that a simple prayer is what will really help. But, we have talked about this before, haven’t we? God’s impossible peace? How He can wash over me with reassuring, confident, comforting peace just from counting on it to come from Him ALONE versus anywhere else. It’s crazy, but it’s so real. (Read my previous blog post about “How You Can Have Impossible Peace.”)

When we consider Who the prayer is directed to, it changes the whole narrative. The Who is what makes prayer so powerful, not the words you say or rituals you try with it. It’s not a “repeat these words & all will be well,” but rather a, “trust in HIM & He will be your all through it.” (Read more about that in: “Do You Trust in Prayer or in God?”)

Why Don’t I Pray More Instantly?

Satan doesn’t want me trying that. He doesn’t want us to discover that the greatest satisfaction, comfort, healing, peace, LOVE comes from a God we can’t even physically SEE with our own two eyes… That God’s power is SO powerful & mighty that He doesn’t have to show a huge, grand display to show Himself awesome & almighty... That even a PRAYER holds more power than any effort we can make or any solution we can try because in it we are turning to the One Who holds ALL power in heaven & earth!

Satan doesn’t want us realizing that God is the only real, true answer in all that we seek.

You see, God is always sufficient… & not just a “good enough” sufficient, but an all-fulfilling, all-you-need, always reliable SUFFICIENT.

Easily Sidetracked, Easily Fooled

I believe Satan TOO OFTEN. I am like the stereotypical, “la-di-da… BUTTERFLY!” type of easily-distracted-by-shiny-things person.

Like, DEEP DOWN, I KNOW God has MORE THAN sufficiently proven Himself to be enough for me… & yet, little fleshly humanness inner me thinks, “yeah, but it would feel really satisfying, I bet, if I just [binged tv, tried to numb over, avoid, anything-other-than-prayed, etc.] instead.”

Dumb. Dumb, dumb, DUMB.

It’s no wonder God frequently likens humans to SHEEP. I just wander right off & have to have God AGAIN show Himself my Rescuer… my Enough. I’d be surprised if He doesn’t roll His eyes at me every time at this point, like, “well, here she goes again, trusting something other than Me to satisfy her…. She’ll get there. Give her a minute.”

When God Doesn’t Give Me What I Want When I Want It

Oh, & then there’s the fact that when things are really, REALLY hard & they in fact STAY hard, oh boy am I gullible to Satan’s lies.

I so easily can go from, “God, You are AMAZING. I will NEVER doubt You again because You have ONCE AGAIN PROVEN Yourself to me! Praise You from Whom ALL blessings flow!!!” to, “This is hard & You’re not stopping the hard, so maybe You forgot about me.”

[insert face palm here]

Easy does not always equal good & hard does not have to equal bad.

Hard Does Not Have to Equal Bad

Hard can lead us into the arms of God, where our soul longs to be in the first place.

Hard can force us to recognize that the only true source of hope that works is God Himself.

Hard can make the power of God so incredibly clear to us when we find ourselves so completely in lack.

Hard can offer a clear display to OTHERS how great God really is, in stark contrast to their recognizing how weak you actually are.

Hard can offer a clear testimony to the fact that God can offer peace IN the hard & does not have to rely on REMOVING the hard.

Hard is often a very good place to be.

But it is hard.

God Never Promises an Easy Life-But He Is Always Sufficient

God never promises us an easy life-but He is always sufficient. He promises a fulfilling life, one defined by the fruit He grows in us as we learn to lean into Him in every circumstance &/or feeling.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

He promises to be our ENOUGH IN the hard.

Learn to have an “Even If” mindset. “Lord, Even IF it DOES stay hard… remind me that You are sufficiently all I will need through it every step.”

Shine HOPE by pointing to Him as your hope, especially when life isn’t easy.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Aro Earrings (EAST ASIA)

These modern silver-tone, double-drop hoops from East Asia are stunning and make a big impact! Each earring is handcrafted by a woman leaving the brothels of East Asia to create a better life for herself. Make a fair-trade fashion statement every time you style your Aro Earrings!

*****Every purchase helps provide income, counseling, education, and jobs for women who’ve been rescued from the brothels of East Asia.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

A New Year, A New Monster to Face

Starting this new school year, working as an aide, I will tell you that I started with trickles of anxiety that quickly began to form a swirling haze of oppression that never seemed to let up.

It’s not a difficult job, being an aide, but for certain reasons, my year last year was less than great & because of that, I now feel fear associated with starting my job.

Now, at first, this was just manifested in feeling a little off, a little apprehensive about the coming year… but soon, as I had been stuffing all of those feelings down or away, they began to press into me like a heavy blanket over me that just kept getting heavier.

… Until Tuesday night.

I’m Glad I Didn’t Sleep

On Tuesday, I was feeling so oppressed by it, so weighed down & anxious & afraid… I had let it linger too long & now it was getting out of control.

My husband & I spend some time praying over it that night, recognizing that Satan was having a field day in my heart & mind. Then Jamie (my hubs) went to sleep… & I didn’t.

No, I didn’t get any sleep Tuesday night. None at all. But for once, I’m glad for it.

You see, I started that night feeling so down & pressed in & like my mind was swirling angsty tormenting feelings I wanted to swat away &/or numb over for any sort of relief.

So, after my husband fell asleep & my torment didn’t stop… I decided it was time to journal it out & pray over it so I could actually address each piece of it, bit by bit, rather than having this faceless, nameless swirl of anxieties raging war on my mind.

Prayer Journaling Your Anxieties WORKS–Handing Every Part to God, Piece by Piece

I began to write them all out–all the nagging little thoughts–trying to be as specific as I possibly could, so that I could really dig in & get to the root of the lie my heart must be holding onto, so I could then exchange it for truth & the help of God’s strength to kick it in the face.

So, I named names (in my personal journal)… or, I attempted to:

-So & so didn’t believe me, as if they don’t trust me.

-So & so said ___________, so they clearly misunderstood me & didn’t care to let me clarify.

-So & so talked about me behind my back, & I overheard, so now I feel insecure.

-So & so doesn’t trust me & because I care so much about my integrity & reputation, that really hurt me.

-So & so doesn’t seem to like me, even though I try to be intentionally friendly with them.

-I feel alone & misunderstood & out of sync with everyone around me & I just want to withdraw & stop trying.

–Why does there seem to be so much disconnect between me trying to put my best foot forward & others seeming to think I don’t care & just want to get away with doing the least possible. How could they even begin to think that about me when I care so much about doing a good job & having integrity in all I do!?

Writer’s Block on my Prayer Journaling?!

Those were just a fraction of my list that I WANTED to write. (I say, “wanted to write,” because every time I tried to begin my list, I froze & my mind went blank, as if something was physically blocking my brain from being able to type the thoughts in my own head.)

So, frustrated, I prayed about that, too. Like, “come ON, God! What is the deal!? I need to get this jumbled mess OUT of my head! I need You to help me deal with it! Why can’t I write about this (in my personal journal)??? Why are you stopping me? What is happening? Help me! I need You!”

And, as I prayed, a single word began to form above all else in that jumbled mess: SATAN.

Not one of the “so & so” people… not one problem over another as the “main problem”… but SATAN. Satan was behind all of it & all of a sudden, that became so abundantly clear to me that everything else began to suddenly make much more sense.

“For We Wrestle Not Against Flesh & Blood…”

I mean, think about it, God even TELLS us:

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

Sure, maybe someone had an off day & said something careless or unkind.

Sure, maybe someone didn’t pray but just reacted in their own humanness.

Sure, maybe someone DID make a big mistake.

Sure, maybe someone DOESN’T believe me for whatever reason.

Sure, maybe someone IS holding onto a misperception of me for whatever reason.

But, Satan. Satan is the one using all of those things to torment me, to feed my insecurities & to tell me not to bother trying anymore, to isolate myself & to just quit trying to make friends… to just resign with being an outsider who is miserable & alone as if that’s all I can or will ever be.

Satan.

What Does GOD Say?

God says I am part of the BODY of the church, with Jesus as the Head. That we are all meant to work together & love one another & support one another. (1 Corinthians 12:14-27)

God says to love those who aren’t great to us. (Luke 6:27-36) In other words, even if someone chooses wrong, I have an opportunity (& a responsibility) to still choose right.

He doesn’t just say to love those who love you. So, even if the aforementioned DID all actually HATE me (if going to the absolute extreme scenario), my response ought to be to love them still, to participate & contribute still, to pray for them still… to be a PART of the BODY of Christ still.

What Does Satan Want? What Does GOD Want?

Satan wants me constantly second-guessing myself, staying timid with my God-given gifting unused & my God-given opportunities ignored or forgotten. (2 Timothy 1:7)

God wants my confidence to be in God, even if I DO mess up. God wants me to make the right choice, even if it were true that others would refuse to do the same.

Satan wants me isolated & alone, withdrawn from community & fellowship & accountability.

God wants me plugged in as a member of His body, the church… & actively loving those around me.

Don’t listen to Satan, my friend. Don’t do it.

People will mess up, sure. I mess up, you mess up… we all mess up.

But don’t let Satan spin that into anything more.

Claim truth. Cling to God. Stand firm against the devil. Don’t give him an INCH (because he will take it & RUN with it, of that you can be SURE).

Facing the Anxiety Monster

You’re not alone. You’re not less than anyone else… even when you’re facing the “anxiety monster.”

And even if someone does misjudge you or mistreat you, peace can be found in the arms of God, entrusting that hurt to Him for His peace, His comfort, His healing, & His way forward to love anyway.

Shine HOPE by taking that anxiety to the CROSS of Jesus & asking God to help you have discernment to see where Satan is deceiving you & holding you captive, so you can find the freedom we are offered in Jesus. (John 8:36)

… So yeah, not sleeping is BLEH, but this time… I’m pretty glad I didn’t sleep.

*Remember TRUTH*

“IN the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.” (Psalm 94:19, emphasis added)

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

August 2023 Hope Mail (GUATEMALA & INDIA)

FOR A LIMITED TIME – Only available during the month of August!

Who do you know who would love a beautiful package filled with hope in their mailbox? This exclusive August Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Why not treat yourself to a little inspiration? Enjoy free shipping on this August Hope Mail package that includes our Buna Earrings from India, a Coffee Sample from Guatemala, and an adorable sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good Envelope.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in India and Guatemala where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops and human traffickers.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Hurt That Bleeds Out

We all have been hurt at some point in our lives—I feel pretty confident in that claim—but have you ever recognized ways that those hurts effect your reactions to others?

Does your insecurity rear up? Do you feel immediately offended? Do you withdraw? Do you go on the offensive?

I think for me, it sometimes depends how my hormones/sleep is going, but I have felt & reacted in all of the above for sure.

My Way or God’s Will?

But the more time I spend getting to know God & His heart through His Word & spending time talking with Him, the Holy Spirit convicts my heart about those things… that those reactions don’t line up with how God instructs us to react… no matter how natural those responses may feel in the moment.

So, if they feel so natural yet don’t line up with God’s instructions… which is wrong–I ask that rhetorically of course, because anything that contradicts God’s Word is, by default, wrong.

And yet, it feels so “it’s just how it is” & “well, I can’t help it—that’s just my personality.”

Nope. Cop out alert right there. If a pattern in my heart contradicts God’s instruction, I should not so easily accept the contradiction… I should seek to correct it through prayer with God, time in His Word (the Bible), & counsel from mature believers in Jesus to help me get to the root of the disconnect & cooperate with the Holy Spirit in His weeding it OUT of my natural patterns.

A surrender to His will versus my wrong patterns. God’s will over my way.

Trading My Learned Path for His

I think a lot of my wrong reactions stem from my brokenness in this sin-torn world.

It’s easy to learn patterns that maybe help me protect myself, put up walls, save face, act like “who cares about you anyway?” But a more Jesus-like response would be staying soft, with tenderness, grace, kindness, & patient, longsuffering love toward one another come what may.

Strength coming from HIM & NOT my learned defense mechanisms.

I may be tempted to start up with, “But they…..!!!”

But then I remember: “But, He….”

Keeping My Mouth Shut Is Not the Same as Having a Right Reaction

It is quite true that God has worked a number on this area of my life already, in that I usually can at least keep my mouth shut, but He hears my thoughts & my real heart about things… & He cares about that, too.

So, how do I take my natural, gut reactions & turn them over to allow the Holy Spirit to produce in me His fruit? (Galatians 5:22-23) How do I learn to respond only in a way that honors, pleases, & gives God the glory?

Well, it goes back to my favorite little word—surrender.

It Takes Surrender

I have to be willing to yield my way that feels so right… for His help to do it His way.

To say, “God, ooooh how I hate the way they said that just now & boy do I want to be snarky right now….! But… please forgive me. Jesus died for that, too. Help me to have Your patient, GRACIOUS (by definition: undeserving) LOVE toward them. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; 1 John 4:16; John 3:16-17) Help me to pray for them (Matthew 5:43-44) versus rehearsing their words or behavior all day. Help me entrust my hurt to You. Be my comfort & heal my heart & help me to forgive & let You handle it. In Jesus’ name, AMEN.”

The Triggers Come in Many Forms

Sometimes it’s just an unexpected, raised eyebrow from someone (like: “really, Michelle? That was dumb.”). Sometimes it’s criticism when you expected praise. Sometimes it’s an unkind word that felt like a complete slap to your face. Sometimes it’s rudeness in exchange for your intended kindness. Sometimes it’s a careless response to a sensitive topic. Sometimes it’s a lack of understanding or a misunderstanding or a total unwillingness to even try to be understanding.

There are many triggers that can catch me off guard & cause my walls SPRING UP, where I feel attacked & on the defense & I’m insecure & hurt & I think, “how can they even THINK that way!”

But, I come back to that prayer of… surrender.

How Does God Respond to ME?

Oh, how many times have I offended God? How many times has He tried to communicate a truth to me & I did the opposite because His way didn’t make me feel good? How many times have I dared question the Almighty God who sent Jesus to die for my debt to Him? (Romans 5:8; John 3:16-17)

And yet, how does He respond to me? With tenderness. With grace. With patience. With love. With forgiveness. With hope.

Responding from a heart of brokenness versus God’s grace is the most natural thing I can do. But boy does it spit on all God offers me in exchange for all of my deep unworthiness.

Responding from a Heart of Brokenness Versus God’s Grace

Take some time to do a mental assessment next time you rear up in response to something, or want to hit back with your words, or think nasty thoughts toward someone else because of what they said or did or how they acted toward you.

Accept responsibility if your response may not exactly line up with God’s response to you & take a minute to confess that to God right away. Jesus paid for that stray thought or outburst of anger & hurt. Confess it to God & ask His forgiveness. He will forgive. (1 John 1:9)

And be willing to surrender that very real gut feeling to God’s gracious way instead.

Pray for God’s perspective to grow in your heart… a perspective of His grace… when all you may want to do is respond from your heart of brokenness.

Shine HOPE by letting God’s grace trump how you feel when you are wronged &/or hurt by someone else & by praying for them versus attacking, withdrawing, or slandering their name to others for validation. Shine HOPE, through Him & for Him.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Soleil Earrings (INDIA)

Make a fair-trade fashion statement with the Soleil Earrings! These gorgeous earrings feature a rectangle chalcedony stud with a hammered brass rectangle accent and colorful beaded fringe in shades of blue, gold, teal, and light pink. These unique artisanal earrings are handcrafted in a workshop in India that’s committed to fighting child marriage and helping women become financially independent as fair-trade Artisans.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Such Feelings

If you know me, or have been following my blog any time over the last 5 years (how has it been 5 years?!), then you probably have gathered that I have big feelings. For good or for bad, whether people enjoy it or hate it… I have big feelings.

Sometimes I love it, because it infuses my good days with so much zest, but the bad days are rough because I feel things so deeply it seems to sometimes affect me in a physical way with overwhelm & zoning out & feeling crushed beneath the weight of them.

And of course then you add in the depression. Now, this isn’t wallowing in despair depression—feeling depressed is not the same as having depression… although, if I allow it to consume me, it can very well lead to feeling & BEING depressed. But, on its own, it’s just a general sense of feeling numb & checked out of life… like everything just feels like a meaningless blur. And when I say, “I just don’t care,” it’s not in an obstinate, rolling my eyes type of thing, but rather just literally not caring about much of anything because I just feel numb as if I am just existing through my day.

But whether it’s my depression symptoms dragging me down to the dust, like a ball & chain clasped to my ankles as I try to walk through mud & haze… or whether it’s an emotional high where I just want to live life with fullness & vibrancy feeling free from the haze… or whether some thing or another knocks me to the ground with unexpected hurt or overwhelm that halts me in my tracks… no matter what it is that my feelings are feeling… it should not affect my obedience to God.

Chasing Happy Highs

Not allowing feelings to affect my obedience to God is a hard one for me. Our bodies are meant to release “happy hormones” when we accomplish tasks… there is a natural reward system built into our brains… & when that malfunctions & life feels empty & numb & void of feeling… well, I want to zone out & avoid at all costs how trapped & stuck that makes me feel. I want to chase “happy highs” however possible—tv, food, games, shopping trip, etc.

And what I DON’T feel like doing is to buckle down & DO IT ANYWAY.

I heard a quote today from the pastor at church this morning from Augustine maybe? The quote went something like: “God made us for Himself & we will remain restless until we seek our rest in Him.” Something like that. And isn’t that so true?

I can chase “happy highs” all I want, but until I seek my rest in Him, I will always be restless. I NEED Him.

Obeying God Is for My Good

Part of resting in God is realizing that I NEED to obey HIM rather than my feelings, recognizing that obedience to God is for my own good because all of what God commands is for my good.

I mean, think about it… just even looking at the basic 10 Commandments given to Moses for the people, by God, you can see it. (Genesis 20:1-17) Don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, love your neighbor as yourself, etc. His commands are basically—treat each other WELL! (Luke 6:31; Matthew 7:12) God even goes so far as to say that all the commands can be summed up under “love God with your all & the second being like it to love your neighbor as yourself.” (Paraphrase) (Matthew 22:36-40)

We were made to love God. We are designed to worship, honor, & glorify Him… & to love others.

Of course, we can’t be SAVED from our SIN against God by obeying these very good God-given commands (they are given as law to reveal our need for Him) (Romans 3:20; Romans 7:7) … because we will never ever get it spot on 24/7–that’s why God sent Jesus to pay our debt so if we repent or turn from our sin, ask for forgiveness, & turn to God, through Jesus, as your hope… you are saved… through your faith in Him. (Romans 3:23-24; Romans 10:9-11)

BUT, those 10 commandments, although they can’t save our souls, are still commands worthy of obedience… as are all of God’s teaching in the Bible… because it honors Him & it’s for our good.

We NEED to Obey… We NEED His Truth & Way of Life because It’s What We Were MADE to NEED

Obedience to God, though, is not just avoiding doing the “thou shalt nots” of the Bible… it’s a living out a life of seeking to know & love Him more… bowing how I want to respond for what honors & glorifies HIM (through asking for His wisdom & help doing it)… a determining to represent Him well & intentionally in your interactions with others & in how you express love for others. Obedience, at its core, means a life lived for HIM, through Him.

God knows we need it. We NEED Him. We NEED prayer (a plugging into HIM & HIS resources) (Proverbs 3:5-6; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18), We NEED to feed our souls on His Word (the Bible). God tells us to even CRAVE His Word as newborn babies crave milk & NEED it to survive. (1 Peter 2:2-3)

Obedience isn’t some super religious thing we do to prove how religious we are.

Obedience is NECESSARY for a full & abundant & victorious LIFE. (John 10:9-10) Obedience is necessary to please, honor, & glorify God—for which purpose we were created! (Isaiah 43:7; 1 Corinthians 10:31; Revelation 4:11; Romans 11:36)

Checking My Motivations in My Obedience to God—Time in His Word, the Bible

We read our Bibles, not because we feel like a “terrible Christian” if we don’t, guilted into keeping up with it & shame-building as we miss day after day throughout the year…. We read our Bibles because 1. It honors God to seek to know & love Him better/more, & 2. We are influenced & impacted by the world every moment of our life & we NEED to be INTENTIONAL in feeding our soul with TRUTH to ground us in this crazy world we live in.

God isn’t keeping track with hand on hip & a raised, judgy eyebrow, making note of: “still waiting to see if they prove their love for me ENOUGH.” Jesus paid for that missed day, week, year, or even lifetime—it’s in the past & if you have repented of it, God has forgiven it. God isn’t expecting a “read through the Bible in a year” OR ELSE:  “BAM—Bad Christian alert!”

But God is honored every time we DO pick up our Bibles & commit to reading it, thinking on it, dwelling on it, & referring back to it when we face circumstances that come up in life, preparing ourselves with His Word that He made sure we would have access to because He made sure it was written all those many years ago.

Why Do I Pray?

We pray, not just before meals & before bed “because it’s what a good Christian person does.” We don’t do it to seem pious or religious. We do it because we NEED HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

It’s not about repeating special words or making sure we say, “Father” enough times in our prayer. It’s not about praying “enough times” to get God to act. It’s not about getting God to give you everything you want your way as if He’s your personal enforcer while you sit in the seat of authority.

Prayer is about submission to an Almighty God Who is HOLY & deserving of all & holds ALL authority in heaven AND earth & yet keeps His throne-room door open at all times for all requests & pleas.

Prayer is about recognizing it’s all about Him, all FOR Him, all THROUGH Him. Prayer is about recognizing that God is GOD, & I am NOT.

Prayer is about plugging in to our Vine. (John 15:1-17) What can a branch bring forth without being connected to its life-giving Vine? What can we produce of worth without plugging into Him as our life-giving source? He is the source of our being. He is our nourishment. He is our peace. He is our enabling strength, even when we ourselves are depleted.

Prayer is about both recognizing & expressing our need, as well as turning to the One where our need may be met, even beyond what we imagine Him capable. (Ephesians 3:20-21; Luke 1:37)

To Feel Like a “Good Person” or to Honor, Please, & Glorify God?

And living for God isn’t about getting in “enough” service hours each week to prove how dedicated we are to serving God. It’s not about proving to or earning anything from God. It’s not about “being a good person.” (Romans 3:10-12; Ephesians 2:8-10)

Living in obedience to serve Him & love others, seeking to honor & please & glorify Him in every thought, reaction, & interaction is simply for that reason—to honor, please, & glorify HIM—because He is deserving of it. Not because I feel like it, & neither should I avoid it because I DON’T feel like it.

Feelings & Obedience Shouldn’t Affect Each Other

So, yes, sometimes my depression symptoms mean that I am zoned out, feel nothing, get no “happy hormone” reward for doing it… & yet I say a little prayer:  “God, please forgive me for how badly I want to avoid this right now because I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT… please forgive me & help me do it anyway, because I want to honor You & I know I need You whether or not I feel like it will help at all right now. Please forgive my attitude & help me to honor You anyway. In Jesus’ name, I pray—AMEN.” And then I open my Bible & my current study, turn to the right page, click on my pen & begin my study each morning… whether I FEEL like it or not.

Feelings & obedience shouldn’t affect each other. Bad feelings too bad? Good feelings too distracting? Numbness clouding over any desire to do anything? Do it anyway—with God’s help.

We’re Meant to Need & Ask for His Help to Obey

Through Andrew Murray’s book on Prayer, a compilation of his works, I learned that so many Christians burn out either by guilt-driven obedience or self-driven obedience… or they just give up because they feel they just can’t (both were me at different points in my life)—too busy, too distracted, too numb, too tired, too sick, etc.—but that so many of commands given in the Bible are either followed by or preceded by “by God, through God, by faith, or through faith.” In other words? We’re not meant to be ABLE to obey Him… ON OUR OWN WITHOUT HIS HELP. We are MEANT to need His help & to turn to Him for that help in our walk of obedience.

So, if you feel you can’t obey Him for WHATEVER reason, you’re in good company! Take that to God & be honest with Him & ask for His help: “God, please forgive me for my lack… help me know when to fit it in & help me to LISTEN when You give the nudge in that time… help me to focus… help me to concentrate… help my WANT.” RELY ON & COUNT ON His help.

And when emotions are running wild or feel non-existent… remember that feelings & obedience shouldn’t affect each other. God can help if you are willing to let Him. Let Him help.

Shine HOPE by determining to honor, please, & glorify God through obedience, whether you feel like it or not… by making sure to turn to Him diligently & consistently for His help.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week.

A Note from Michelle:

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Tranquility Ring Set (India)

This set of 2 adjustable rings can be worn stacked together or separately! A silver-toned plated brass ring with a simple twist perfectly complements the gorgeous chalcedony ring.  This small oval-shaped, faceted chalcedony stone is set in silver-toned plated brass featuring a design on the silver band.

***Every purchase empowers women to earn fair wages for their work and to end cycles of poverty for her family.***

How You Can Help:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me to continue supporting them as well as continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win win!