Only What I Want to Hear

How often do we pray, only listening for the answer we want to hear?

I have found that sometimes in my prayers, I feel as if God is not hearing or answering me because it is not the way I want Him to answer me.

For example, when I was so lonely & I was struggling so much in Hokkaido, Japan, my prayers basically revolved around my idea of making the struggle end.

When my struggling did not end, a root of bitterness started taking root against God.

Not to Make Everything Easy, But to Be Enough in the Hard

But, God does not promise that we will never have struggles or hardships.

He DOES, however, promise to be our “ENOUGH” in the midst of those struggles & hardships.

For Our Good

On top of that, those struggles & hardships are actually meant for our good, believe it or not. Sort of like when Joseph went through all of his trials (& there was a lifetime of them!), his response to his cruel & jealous brothers was, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many peopleshould be kept alive, as they are today.”

God uses the HARD times in our life to bring about GOOD purposes.

Front Row Seats

For one, hardships strengthen us & teach us confident perseverance.

They also strengthen our faith, because when we are weakened & thus clinging to God more fiercely, we are given wonderful opportunities to see Him work wonders that we were not able to accomplish on our own. It puts Him on center stage & oftentimes gives us front row seats to watch Him work!

He doesn’t hurt you, but He uses the hurt caused by sin & a broken world (broken because of the sin), to strengthen you in so many ways!

Lean into Him

So, when I am faced with those hardships, instead of looking for my hope in the ABSENCE of those hardships & praying as such, I (we) SHOULD learn to pray for God’s help in the midst of those storms.

We can pray for His wisdom, strength, peace, hope, comfort, guidance, etc.!

*Plugging Ears*

BUT sometimes we don’t want to even hear the answer He gives, when we do choose to seek His wisdom & guidance, in which stems another stunt to answered prayers.

A Bible example of this sort of harmful mindset is found in Zechariah 7, where the people inquired of God, & when His response came, with:

“Administer true justice; show mercy & compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other….”

The people “… refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs & covered their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint & would not listen to the law or to the words that the Lord Almighty had sent by His Spirit through the earlier prophets.”

In other words, they only wanted an answer if it made them look or feel good.

Looking Good & Feeling Good About Ourselves Versus Bringing God Glory

Before this situation took place, they were asking God if they should continue fasting at particular times as they had been told to do & as they had been doing for many years & God called them out on it, telling them they had turned those things into prideful acts, versus acts of humble surrender. They did it to look & feel good, not to honor God.

Are our prayers centered around making us look good &/or feel good about ourselves?

Or are they centered on laying down our way for His, through the strength & peace He provides? Are they centered on giving God center stage in our life?

What’s Our Focus?

We need to be mindful of how we pray.

Pray first to draw your strength, wisdom, guidance, peace, joy, hope, etc. from Him in times of struggle, & also for it to bring Him glory & draw you & others closer to Him in the process.

And also, pray willing to trustingly obey the answer He gives. Trust Him enough to know that He means it for your good & lean into Him through prayer & acting on His words to you.

You can even ask for His help in doing what you know He is calling you to do.

Trust & Obey

Whether it be bringing a meal to a family, supporting an orphan or widow, or doing anything out of your comfort zone, ask God for help as you obey.

Ask Him for courage. Ask Him for peace. Ask Him for strength. Ask Him for a willing heart. Ask Him to help you trust Him.

Because when we ask for His help, we should understand that if ANYONE knows the best way to handle a struggle or situation, it is Him… so trust Him enough to listen & follow through with HIS answer, over looking only for your way.

Shine HOPE by trusting God enough to listen & to follow His way, in your prayers.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Onyx Necklace

Modern hammered brass necklace features 3 genuine onyx drops.

Artisan Information:

The poverty cycle in India continues primarily because of the lack of education. Most schools are not free or affordable. Therefore, many children never learn to read or write and grow up with limited opportunities. However, every purchase of this product empowers women to provide for their children and send them to school! You have the opportunity to end poverty and create an impact for generations to come!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Being Gracious When They Ask

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to explain yourselves countless times & just got tired of doing so?

Now, I understand the value of being gracious to others, knowing that when they ask questions, it is not necessarily to mock or judge me, but rather because they lack understanding & want to better understand the situation. And, to better understand, they must ask someone who knows more than they do.

But Sometimes I Just Don’t Feel Up to It…

But, sometimes, as the explainer, I just don’t always feel up to the task.

Sometimes it’s hard to rehash something you’d rather forget was so different & in need of explaining.

Other times, you are struggling to make sense of it yourself.

I understand the value of patience & understanding, offering grace to those who may not know about my situation, but sometimes it’s hard to see past my own struggle.

Such is the case with my situation.

Sometimes I perk up at the opportunity to bless someone with a new & fresh perspective, & other times I just want to slowly, quietly back away & hope that they forgot I was even talking to them.

Our Planning Can Sometimes Make Us Expect Our Way Versus God’s Way

I think it is common to take for granted the “plan” for life that society has so ingrained in us. Grow up… Get married… Have babies… Become grandparents… etc.

Not to say there is anything wrong with that plan, except for the fact that we are determining what God’s plan should be for us & the fact that it seems to uproot us when we realize our plan might not actually be GOD’S plan for our lives.

I am currently thinking of the verses in James 4:13-15, “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such & such a city, spend a year there, buy & sell, & make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time & then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live & do this or that.”

It’s Not Wrong to Make Plans, But Bow Them to God’s Will

It’s not wrong to set goals & plans, but we need to be willing to trust that whatever God’s plan is, is much better than ours & I think a lot of life’s disappointments stem from coming up with a way of life that seems right to us, only to find out God has other plans for our life purpose.

BUT, that’s not to say His plan will be easy to accept or easier than our plan… just BETTER.

Here Stems My Struggle

BUT, the catch to that, is we will miss out on so much of the blessing God intends in His BETTER by focusing on how much it doesn’t match the plan we have meticulously mapped out for ourselves—which can lead to much bitterness (trust me, I know from experience. I’m not always good at relinquishing my ideals for His perfect will.)

I’m good at (bad at?) thinking I know better. *sigh* I am a work in progress.

It Gets Personal

My husband & I always assumed we would have kids one day. Sure, I was terrified at first, & then he was when he felt the fuller weight of responsibility, but eventually we turned those fears to God’s care & welcomed God to bring a child into our lives with ready anticipation & excitement… for the next 6.5 years now.

Even after both of us being checked by the doctors & being told we were both in prime baby-making condition… Still, no baby.

Even after we prayed for many years… Still, no baby.

(Let me clarify that babies still sort of terrify me & I am not one to coo & jump at the opportunity to hold a baby, (sorry, mamas!) but I want a larger family… memories of family game nights & cooking together & caring for them & guiding my children to be lights in the world for HOPE in Jesus.)

BUT, it seems to be this is not God’s will for us now, if ever... & that was a hard reality to swallow.

Reasoning the Pain Away, Versus Leaning into God for Comfort & Wisdom

As I had mentioned in a previous blog post (here), although it was easy to convince myself why it’s so hard to be a parent & that I am blessed to be able to travel more readily, I learned that it was my way of trusting my reasoning more than leaning in to trust God with it.

And when I strip those reasonings away, I am left with seeing other families make those memories that I don’t get to make & feeling the threat of tears burning in the corners of my eyes. Because trusting in my own reasoning doesn’t actually help me erase the emotions behind the longing.

And sometimes, yes, I get tired explaining the complexity of it all & I just don’t want to explain my heart & my thoughts & everything in between.

I am just human. I don’t have all the answers to the ‘why’s’.

I am also not 100% faithful in trusting God’s plan.

Sometimes I want my plan instead.

The Joy

But I know that joy comes only when I am willing to understand that God is all-knowing & I am not. He knows me far better than I do myself because He created me. He KNOWS me. Joy comes in knowing that He wants good for me, & not harm. Joy comes in trusting Him more than I do myself.

But it took me a long time to get to that place with this subject (& I still struggle sometimes).

My Dreams

I mentioned before that ever since I read Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, back in 2006 or so, that I dreamed of reaching out to women with HOPE–Middle School girls, High School girls, College ladies, Moms, & women in general. (I even dreamed of, but never saw possible, the idea of running my own website where women could seek hope without judgment—my how God has answered THAT!!)

Well, taking that fact of having a passion to encourage & lead women with hope as the prequal, now enter my bitterness that I harbored for many years over a lack of a baby.

How do those two things work together? The dream… & the bitterness of no children?

Spiritual Fruitfulness

Last year, a Bible Study group I attended worked through a Beth Moore study called Breaking Free. One of the chapters was on “being fruitful.”

You can probably feel me tensing up then, after reading that day’s topic.

But to my surprise, it was not a chapter on the joys of motherhood & why every woman should want to have children because they are blessings from God.

This chapter was on spiritual fruitfulness & talked about the importance of replicating the hope & joy we have in Jesus around the world & to those around us.

God Fitting the Pieces Together Perfectly

Wow. Was that a humility check for me, because Beth Moore mentioned the little verse in Isaiah 54:1 that I had passed by so easily many times before, “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

And the same lines are repeated in Galatians 4:27.

With all of the many verses about the joys of parenthood & that children are God’s blessings to us, He does not neglect the longing, sad hearts of those like me, who can’t seem to have children.

He makes a point to tell us to “burst into song” & to “shout for joy” & to show us that He has not forgotten nor forsaken us in His “No.”

Mothers Pour Mostly into THEIR Children, But Barren Women Can Pour into the Lives of MANY MORE

Beth Moore’s point, in that chapter, was that women who are mothers have the responsibility to pour into their children, care for them, discipline them, & guide them in how to seek & follow after Jesus Christ.

But, women who are barren (or, childless, in my case), have the opportunity to “be fruitful in their faith” on a MUCH larger scale by either pouring into the lives of all children they are blessed to interact with, or by pouring into mothers so that those mothers are encouraged & edified to then pour into THEIR children.

Always Look to God’s Plan & Ask Him for It!

You see, when I keep my eyes on GOD’S PLAN over my own, I am opened up to see the bigger picture. I am opened up to the FACT that God has not forgotten me & that He has a greater plan for me than I have for myself. I am opened up to release my bitterness & embrace JOY.

Is it possible that He will still choose to give me children in some way? Yes.

Do I still look at the back of board game boxes & feel a tinge of sadness at the smiling faces of that laughing family depicted there? Yes.

But does God comfort & strengthen & re-focus me as I lean into Him in it? Most definitely YES.

God Knows You & God Knows Best… Always

But, in the meantime (& if that time never comes), I should strive to see God’s whole picture… That yes, I may never be blessed with children of my own, but I can use that childless time to pour into the hearts of other women so that they, in turn, can pour into the lives of their children.

God has not deprived me of my dream to be fruitful. He has opened the door for me to see my dream realized on a larger scale.

Taking me from 2006 in wanting to be an intentional light in the world & to pour into the lives of other females, to now, in learning of that unique opportunity I have been given in not being blessed with children of my own.

Taking me from my 2006 dream of running a website, where ladies could come & seek answers about hope in Christ anonymously & without judgment of peers or parents, to running my own website & blog & Facebook community, starting in 2018. Wow!

Show Grace… Even to Yourself…

I feel blessed. I feel sad sometimes. And it’s okay to have both. God is capable of filling in my gaps.

Show grace to others who may not understand your situation. Take time to educate them so they may be more sensitive to others who do not share their circumstances.

Show grace to others who DON’T WANT (or feel too exhausted or overwhelmed) to share their own situation which is different than yours. Sometimes it’s hard to explain & other times it is just plain hard. Give grace.

And show grace to yourself. You’re not meant to understand it all, but God does, so lean into Him. And when you’re just too tired to explain yourself for the hundredth time, don’t take it out on the hundredth person to ask. Take a deep breath & be polite & patient & be praying… either say, “can we talk about this another time?” or “I understand that you want to understand this, but I am not up to explaining it right now, please excuse me.” Or, ask God for the patience & calm to sit down with them & talk them through it & answer their questions.

God’s got you, so let Him shine hope through you. He never fails. Lean into Him & above all, trust Him more than you do yourself. It’s worth it one hundred percent of the time, always.

Coming Next Week

*Check back THIS Thursday for October’s SPECIAL FEATURE post!*

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Turning Leaf Set

This silver finish hammered metal necklace with matching earrings was inspired by the beautiful shapes of leaves (& look like dragonfly wings). *Matching Earrings not pictured, but included in set.*

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Almost the End to a New Beginning

Well, we are one “Pivot” moment away from finishing this series! That’s so hard to believe after these (including this one) 14 “Pivots” that we have walked through together.

A Different Sort of Autobiography

It has always been a dream of mine to write an “autobiography”, not of what amazing things I have accomplished or done, but what God has worked in my life that I never saw as possible from my human perspective.

Being given the opportunity to share all of these moments with you has been a pleasure, especially the reminders, even for myself, of all that God has done & is capable of doing in our lives as we lean into Him.

Maybe someday I will better edit all of these “Pivot” stories into that autobiography of sorts. I guess we will see where God leads!

Trouble in Paradise

But, for today, we are talking about a touchy (& freeing) topic.

It’s touchy because a lot of hurt often surrounds this topic, but it’s freeing knowing the right perspective of leaning into God above all else, whether things work out or not.

“Trouble in Paradise”, as I have titled it, is a story of God doing what I felt was the impossible… bridging the gap in marital (or relational) trouble.

In It Together

You see, after God had led every step of our dating relationship as we leaned into Him consistently for direction & answers (read more, here), we felt like our bond was unbreakable.

We were bound together by trust in Him & a friendship built on Him.

Nothing could shake us.

We had aired all of our “dirty laundry” by sharing our deepest shames & hurts & mistakes… but we were forgiven.

We had shared all of our quirks… but we were accepted.

We had faced hurt & struggle… but had prayed through it all… together.

After the “Happily Ever After”

But then we moved to Guam… 3 months after we were married.

And things weren’t as great anymore.

We started out strong, but between the stress of adjustment to life on the other side of the globe & Jamie working 12 hour shifts several days a week (& usually taking on extra shifts for co-workers), let’s just say that it began to take its toll on us.

I felt neglected. He felt over-worked & stretched thin.

I felt bored & restless. He felt exhausted & ready to crash.

I felt alone & in need of company. He felt over-stimulated & in need of alone time.

We felt placed on opposite ends of every spectrum, unable to bridge the divides that seemed to be getting wider every month.

Beginning to Feel the Strain… Pull Us Apart

Fights became easier. Disagreements & misunderstandings were more common. Emotions were high & needs were left unmet on both sides.

We were strained & frustrated & tired.

My needs became a burden on us both—not because he didn’t think they or I were important, but because after work, he had nothing left to give.

Personal Perceptions Are Often Deceptive

But I felt like he must think me & my needs unimportant because they were SO important to me & yet he still didn’t meet them.

And he felt like I was putting too much pressure on him because he was already exhausted from work every day.

We were disconnected & hurt.

We argued & fought & stormed off & shut doors more forcefully than necessary.

We hurt.

I found myself often crying alone, curled up on the floor of our bathroom, with the lights out.

What I Wanted

I had heard that marriage was hard, but I felt like I had lost my very best friend, just by getting married to him.

I wanted to leave him & go back to America & be with my family & friends.

I wanted the hurt to stop.

I was learning very clearly in that time the truth that our spouse is not meant to fulfill our needs.

Only God can do that.

It’s Not Like the Movies… But It’s So Much Better

But culture sings a different tune, one where our spouse, who probably wishes they actually could, can fulfill all of your dreams & make you the happiest person imaginable.

And we probably still want to do that, but realistically, we don’t have the power to do that.

We have our own fears, hurts, insecurities, weaknesses, trauma, shortcomings, failures, etc. & when you join two imperfect people, you’re obviously going to have an imperfect marriage.

So Much Freedom in Removing That Expectation!

And oh the burden we are freed from when we realize that being our spouse’s EVERYTHING is not our purpose or even in our ability.

And oh the freedom it GIVES our spouse to release them from that supposed expectation.

Then, How?

So how did we do it? How are we good friends & happily married after the battle wounds we received in that painful couple years?

Prayer.

That’s right… prayer.

But, I Didn’t Start There

But, like I said, I first resorted to balling up in figurative tears (Fun Fact: I can’t cry actual tears) & wanting to quit it all & run from the hurt.

I resorted to wanting to bail & start over at home with my family. I wanted to give up because I felt so unloved.

But Jamie still loved me terribly, & through the deep ache, I loved him just as much… so why weren’t we able to express that to each other?

My Ache Turned Into My Prayer

At the end of one of our arguments, I was laying in bed, with my back turned to Jamie… silently sobbing into the edge of my pillow, begging God for help & pouring out my heart to Him like I had done countless times before on the floor of our bathroom.

“God, why is this happening! Why do I feel like Jamie & I are so far apart?! How did we get here!? I miss him so much & I HATE that we’re always at odds with each other… but I feel like no matter what, we’re never on the same page… like he doesn’t ever care about me! I feel so alone & betrayed. I thought he loved me but he gets mad or frustrated when I even want to spend time with him & he just plays video games alone in his spare time, with his headphones on, like I am just a home accessory!! He used to make me feel like his whole world & now he barely even talks to me. I hate my life here. I hate what this job has taken from me… from us. I want him back but that seems impossible now. Too many things we can’t take back & too many misunderstandings & disagreements. I don’t even feel like I know him anymore… Like I have been tricked. Did he never really love me? How can he act so callously toward me? Help us. Show us the way back to each other. PLEASE. Help us. Help me. I don’t know how to get back to him anymore & I miss him so much. Please show me what to do.”

God’s Response… God’s Solution… Trust HIM

… “Ask him to pray with you.”

That was the simple thought the washed over my mind like a gentle breeze.

“Ask him to pray with you.”

But I didn’t want to.

Did Jamie even care? Did he even want us back? If he cared, he would have tried already. (So many insecurities rushed over my heart.)

“Ask Him to pray with you.”

FINE. But I don’t want to.

And When I Obeyed God’s Guiding, God Healed

“Jamie, we should pray.”

“Ok.”

And so he prayed a prayer that shocked & shook me & expressed all the love for me that I was afraid wasn’t there.

To paraphrase his prayer:

“God, I don’t know what to do. We can’t seem to get along. I love Michelle, but I am too tired. I am stretched thin at work & I just don’t have the energy to be what she needs me to be. It hurts that I don’t feel like I can help her & it’s frustrating. Help me know what to do. Please help her hurt. Amen.”

And then I prayed my hurt out loud, too.

And we both cried & we hugged each other & just clung on.

God Knew How

It ended up that we genuinely both wanted a solution but neither of us new how to make it happen, were doing the best we knew how, & had different expectations on what that should look like.

And when we started both turning to God, instead of ourselves or each other, as the solution, God started to shape us & guide us along a path to help us both care for each other.

We became more understanding of each other’s needs, while not trying to meet them in our own wisdom or understanding, but by God’s.

We began letting go of the expectations we had placed on the other person to meet our needs & started leaning into God instead.

And we began to heal.

Start Looking to God for the Answers

God was the glue that took our efforts & our understanding & all of our other limitations & acted as our bridge to cover the great divide for us.

We stopped looking inward to fulfill each other.

We stopped looking to each other to fulfill ourselves.

And we started looking to God, together.

He is our glue. He is our bridge. He is our wisdom & solution. He is our strength.

A Work in Progress, Led by Grace

Do we still have disagreements & misunderstandings & occasional bad attitudes that we really shouldn’t be taking out on each other but it’s far too easy to do? Yes.

But we know the way back now. PRAYER. Leaning into GOD.

And we’re learning to turn to God BEFORE it gets bad, knowing we will reach the end of our limitations far sooner.

We’re human & we mess up. We are learning, but we don’t always get it right.

But God is the solution to that, too… because He will never stop working on our hearts. He is always ready to give grace as we grow toward Him.

He is a Good, Good Father.

Shine Hope, by letting God be your glue… & your bridge… to healing.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side & off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Not Cut & Paste

Today’s topic (& pretty much every week’s topic) is not meant to show you a cut & paste way to handle a situation. It is meant to show you how God guides us if we are striving to honor Him above our own feelings, fears, or desires… if we are obeying His way over our own.

Going Back Home

Nine years ago, right after I had graduated from Liberty University (how has it already been NINE years?!), I went back to live with my parents in Northern Virginia.

My parents had just paid my way through Liberty, upon the agreement that I kept my grades up (I graduated top twenty percent of the School of Business!) &, what was later told to me, they would not be helping to pay for any wedding that could potentially happen (I didn’t know this then, as I had no relationship to consider at the time).

Debt

BUT, I still had loads of debt… to them.

How? Because my parents had HELPED me pay health insurance & car insurance for those three years, on the agreement that I would eventually reimburse them once I got a full-time job.

So, a couple hundred dollars a month, for three years, minus some I had managed to pay along the way, left me with a hefty sum of debt.

AND, to help me out, my parents were graciously allowing me to move back home after graduation, at age 26. (If you missed last week’s post, I waited to go back to college.)

My “Buffer” Account

I did have a savings account, that served as a (gradually depleting) buffer that allowed me to still fill up my gas tank & be available for lunches with friends (or as an emergency fund in case I had to have work on my car or other such unexpected expense).

Trying to Re-Write My Reputation

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the pressure was laid on pretty thick, by my parents, to pay them back quickly by getting a full-time job.

I had been a difficult teenager, one who was always trying to get out of extra work, so I can understand their feelings of mistrust & urgency for me to prove myself responsible & willing to pay them back without endless delay.

But God had been working in me. I had been allowing God to grow me & weed out some of my bad habits & bad attitudes, & I had no desire to string my parents along.

I wanted to please them & make them proud.

I wanted to be a responsible adult & I was eager to start work & change the world (that’s how I felt, anyway).

But bad reputations have a nasty way of sticking around, even after God has changed your heart & attitude.

Can anyone relate?

A Changed Woman

Anyway, eager to prove myself a changed woman & a responsible adult, I looked for a job.

But I was looking for a career, not a dead-end job.

I was eager to work with an outreach program or youth ministry for a church. I was ready to change lives & impact people with the hope I was learning more about each year.

I definitely also looked for jobs I didn’t care about as much, though, because I was so eager to pave the path for a new reputation. I wanted to pay off my debt quickly & ease the minds of my parents, by removing the financial burden of my debt to them.

But God had other plans.

He wanted to show me more about trusting in Him, even when the pressure is thick.

A Word from God

In reading my Bible, I came across this nagging little truth (at least, it nagged at me because the conviction hit me hard. I was NOT ready to hear these words!):

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
    when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor,
    “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
    when you already have it with you.” (Proverbs 3:27-28)

You see, in keeping my little “buffer” savings account, while still owing a ton of money to my parents, God convicted my heart that I was essentially saying, “Come back tomorrow & I will give it to you”, when I already had it with me.

… AKA the exact thing God warns us NOT to do, in these verses.

A Chance to Obey

A choice had to be made in that moment.

Would I trust & obey God’s way of handling my situation? (AKA give my parents my savings account) … or was I going to hold on to fear & the comfort of being able to maintain the kind of life I was comfortable with, while waiting to repay them?

Too many times had I seen how things went way worse than I expected when doing them MY way, only to HAVE to try God’s way in the end & see it work out much better…

SO, I took out every penny of my savings account, (thus erasing any chance for impromptu dinners, lunches, coffee dates, movies, adventures with friends) & gave it directly to my parents, as a way to show them, THROUGH ACTION & not just words, that my dedication to repay them was sincere.

What Now?

And then, penniless, with just the full tank of gas that I had, I said “goodbye” to most of my social life.

(Adulthood was no longer seeming so appealing, haha.)

And… I prayed… A LOT.

I prayed for direction & peace & for my parents to see they could trust me… I prayed for a chance to move out & pay off debt & to GET A JOB.

I felt so untethered from the comforts I had always relied on & that led me to pray more than usual. I couldn’t just coast through this debt repayment anymore. I needed to make money to even just refill my gas tank next time!

So, I started (more) actively searching for a job… searching for ANY work to get me through to my next tank of gas (& those pesky bills) … babysitting, house-cleaning, mowing lawns, house-sitting, & whatever other oddball jobs I could manage to get.

Just Enough… Was Enough

Here is where I began to see that as I trust God (although, my human perspective still worried that I would miss bills & fail miserably) & lean fully into Him… He doesn’t leave us hanging.

While working my odd jobs, while also searching for a full-time job, I was earning just enough to scrape by.

I still gave ten percent of everything I earned as a tithe to God, through supporting my church.

Tithing When Barely Making It

Let me tell you, when you don’t even have money to ever go out to lunch with a friend because you are earning JUST enough to pay your current bills, fill up the gas tank, & pay the remainder to your parents for your debt, ten percent seems like SO MUCH MONEY!

But, again, I had seen how God has a purpose in every command He gives us & He promises to provide as we obey… SO, I trusted & obeyed, while giving ten percent of the precious little I had to the church.

And I am not telling you that to brag or to seem super righteous, but because God really does keep His promises to take care of our needs as we live in obedience & trust to His Word (the Bible).

Nothing Was Working the Way I Hoped, And Yet…

Listen to this… this is where it really got cool ….

Every full-time job opportunity fell through.

Every full-time job that seemed like a good potential, I felt a heavy wall block me from accepting it, as if God was saying, “nuh-uh… NO.” Even when I prayed for days afterward, hoping I could feel peace that never came.

I felt SO MUCH pressure from my parents’ even mild frustration (I am a people pleaser at heart) & I wanted SO BADLY to prove I meant it when I told them I wanted to get a job & pay them back & honor them in that way.

But ALL I HAD were oddball jobs.

I know, I know… These all seem like the opposite of “cool”….

Every Bill Paid ON TIME!

But, GUESS WHAT.

Every time a bill was coming dangerously close to being past-due, I would receive an unexpected call from either a friend of the family, a co-worker of my mom, or a friend of a friend who would somehow think to call me, & they would offer me another oddball job for some amount of time with some amount of money that they would offer….

AND Every single time, it would get paid to me DIRECTLY before my bill was past-due & be MORE than my bill was worth… enough to fill up my next tank of gas & chip off another tiny chunk of my debt (& still tithe).

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

HE Doesn’t Have Our Limitations

Girl, I want you to see that we serve a BIG God.

He is not bound by the limitations that we are bound by.

If we walk in trusting obedience to Him, He ALWAYS follows through & takes care of us.

Am I saying, “don’t take the job”? NO.

Am I saying to do it exactly how I did? NO.

I AM saying that, again, as we walk in trusting obedience to God’s Word & God’s leading on our hearts, He WILL be faithful to take care of our needs.

It may not always be comfortable (in fact, oftentimes it’s UNCOMFORTABLE, because it goes against our own understanding) or look the way we think it should or like we want it to, but we will see in those moments, that despite all that, God really did know BEST.

Oh, And One More Thing… Or Maybe Two

So, I urge you. I beg you. I challenge you, even… to trust Him.

Because He always knows what He’s doing, even when we are clueless.

And do you want to know the real kicker that gets me every time with this story?

Guess what, with those oddball jobs, over ONE Summer, I paid off my debt IN FULL.

Did I get to go to King’s Dominion with friends? No.

Did I get to go out for impromptu coffee or lunch dates with friends? No.

Was it comfortable never knowing if I could pay my next bill? No.

But, to see God work in the ways that He did AND allow me to pay off ALL OF IT during those oddball jobs… was the best Summer EVER.

*** Oh, & by the way… AFTER I paid off my debt to my parents, I got a job working for a small church in Alexandria, Virginia… where I met my husband. ***

God Always Knows

God ALWAYS knows what He’s doing, even when we’re just taking one step at a time & trusting Him with every part that we don’t understand. He always knows.

Shine hope, by trusting God first, last, & always.

Trust & obey & let Him lead by leaning into Him.

He’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

*Also pictured: Northern Lights Studs, also from India!*

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

We Interrupt This Program to Bring You…

Okay, so this isn’t normally how I run my blog, but I feel like it needs to be said now, today.

Today, we deviate from the pivots (those will probably resume next week).

Today, we let God take over for a message that I need reminding of every single day (added during editing… you’ll see why that’s important later).

God’s plans aren’t our plans.

Just Everyday Life

When the Bible says repeatedly, “And the people did what was right in their own eyes,” we often & easily think of it as revelry & outright sin.

But hold up, when you actually look up those references, where that phrase is written (go ahead & do a search online), sometimes it literally means just that, “the people did what was right in their own eyes,” when referring to just everyday life… No outright sin involved.

Even Well-Intentioned Christians… Like Me

So, do we do that, too? Do we live according to “what seems right in our own eyes”?

I would say a GIANT “yes” to that question.

EVEN, (now hear me on this), EVEN well-intentioned CHRISTIANS.

Gasp.

Even… ME (yes, I admit it).

Gasp.

Even… PASTORS.

*Faint*

Now, before you go thinking, “now wait just a cotton picking minute!” (where did that phrase even come from? haha)… but before you write me off, stick with me a minute & you’ll see what I mean.

But Wait! I Think I Know This One!

We, as humans, tend to take what we know & run with it, substituting a relationship with God, through the Holy Spirit, with our OWN knowledge of Scripture.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we need to study up on the Word of God, aka the BIBLE, because it is God’s Word to us. It is how He shows us who He is… His character, His will, His love, His GRACE.

BUT, we cannot study up & neglect a daily relationship with God, through prayer. Mostly because we will NEVER know it all. We are NOT God.

Satan Tries to Trick by Twisting Truth

Do you remember when, in Matthew 4 (I had to look up the reference) Satan tried to use Scripture to tempt Jesus, but because Jesus was God & also had a relationship with God the Father, He knew better & saw right through Satan’s manipulation & distortion of Truth?

Would you recognize it as a trick as easily as Jesus did?

We often think we do/will.

That Pesky Little “Lean Not on Your Own Understanding”

We tend to learn a whole lot & then proceed to lean on our OWN understanding (the exact OPPOSITE of what God tells us to do, in Proverbs 3 (again, Google is my friend).

Or, we tend to think KNOWING the Scripture (Bible) is the SAME as knowing how God wants to APPLY it at any given moment.

ESPECIALLY if one specific way worked for someone else, in accordance with God’s will… like, “oh okay, well we have THAT one figured out. No need to ask for God’s guidance & will for this situation because we already know!”

Some Things Are Solid

Now, yes, if it is “thou shalt not murder” (Exodus 20:13) or some other direct command, we don’t have to question God’s Word… but if it’s in applying a passage to our lives, God is a living, breathing God who is infinitely creative… In other words, it might be best to always be leaning into Him for His direction with HIS Word.

Abide in HIM

The vine & branches parable in the Bible (John 15) has been taking on fresh meaning to me lately as I realize just how EASY it is to rely on “doing what seems right in my own eyes.”

Unless we are ABIDING in Christ (there are about 30 references to that, in the Bible, according to my search), we are attempting to be a branch that is disconnected from the Vine (God), who just happens to be a branch that knows a whole lot ABOUT the Vine.

Fighting Back from What Seems Natural for the MORE That God Offers

I get it, we will never get it right 100% of the time, because acting based on what we think we see right in front of us seems SO EASY & SO NATURAL.

But God didn’t send us His Word so that we could read it & then go rogue.

God wants a relationship.

He wants to interact, guide, comfort, teach, grow, heal, & love us through this life.

He wants to do the heavy lifting while we dedicate our entire being to trusting our entire being to Him, His lead, His will, & His Vine-ness.

I Think I’m Okay, Though…

So, if you’re sitting there thinking, “I try very hard to please God & do good for Him, so I don’t think this message applies to me…” STOP.

Pray.

Ask God to reveal to you the areas where you ARE clinging to control (or “what seems right in your own eyes”), where you are relying on your “wisdom” instead of His… your perspective, instead of His… your way, instead of HIS.

Because I guarantee you this, there is AT LEAST one part where you have been fooled into thinking, “because I know this much, I am capable of doing this one on my own.”

Don’t let Satan keep you on the hamster wheel of false belief… false trust.

Run into Jesus’ welcoming, loving, COMPLETELY capable arms.

And STRIVE to live according to what IS right, in HIS eyes, through letting HIM take the lead of your life… through growing your relationship with Him, versus merely growing your knowledge base.

God Had Other Plans… & I Had No Idea

Today, this wasn’t my planned topic. I already wrote today’s blog (about “doing everything as if unto the Lord”), but I guess that topic will have to wait for next week.

At the beginning of this post, I said, “Okay, so this isn’t normally how I run my blog, but I feel like it needs to be said now, today.”

Honesty moment? I didn’t even know what “needed to be said” until the words fell out on the screen as I typed.

Scrap It & Walk Blind?

I felt a nudge, a wall, a hesitancy to continue my path, so I stopped & asked God why, so to speak.

And all I felt was that I should scrap that whole direction for today… all of the work I had already done… & just let Him talk. So, I erased my post & just starting typing what popped in my head, not knowing where it was headed.

Sometimes you have to let God interrupt your “regularly scheduled program” to let Him do what He wants instead.

In fact, every day of life should be about us stepping aside to let Him work His will through us… & we won’t know how to recognize the difference unless we stop to ask Him.

So ask Him.

Ask Him HOW

And if you have ZERO clue how to have that relationship with Him that I mentioned, start there. Ask Him to show you how to do it.

He is capable.

No one… I repeat… NO ONE is perfect at this… but “God gives grace to the humble” (written MANY times in the Bible!) & He “is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3).

So, ask Him.

Doing Pretty Good? Ask Him Anyway.

And if you think your relationship with Him is already pretty good… remember that EVERYONE is imperfect… EVERYONE has space to grow… EVERYONE relies on themselves at least sometimes.

So, ask Him.

Shine Hope by growing a living relationship with a living God & letting Him be the boss, always.

Coming Next Week

This week, on Thursday, is our monthly Special Feature Post, so stay tuned!

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Iris Earrings

Iridescent pink crystal beads sway on these golden teardrop hoops.

Artisan Information:

In Peru, rural citizens have been affected by extreme poverty & guerrilla warfare. Women are affected the worst as their husbands generally leave them in search of work. Many are unable to get the basic needs of food, shelter, & clothing. But with every purchase of this product, women are finding hope & an income by hand making this beautiful product. Because of you, these family businesses are now empowering the next generation!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Peru!

(*Also Pictured: Worthy Necklace from India!*)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

God Will Continue to Work

Well, we’re nearing the end of my pivotal moments series (for now). I know God will continue to shape me & continue to shake up my normal for His truth.

Trusting God AND Ourselves… Versus Just God

Today, we are following last week’s topic about trusting God through our struggles instead of coming up with our own solutions that, in turn, create new problems. (Like trusting in singleness & then panicking when God brings a relationship into your damaged heart life.)

It’s far too easy to try trusting God AND our own solution, versus JUST trusting GOD.

We tend to think the two are the same thing. Saying to ourselves & others, “I prayed (therefore, “trusting God”), but then I will do what I think will fix it versus waiting for His solution.”

So, it warrants a discussion about praying our way through fears, & trusting God, when we’re tempted to rely on our own strategy, “wisdom,” fears, etc.

(To read our Love Story, in short story form, check them out by clicking Part 1 & Part 2.)

But How?

But how does God answer our prayers? What does “trusting God only” even mean? How do we know what He wants when it’s different than what we want? How do you hear God’s answers? How do you even know His will if you can’t HEAR Him?

Those types of questions are so common & I have thought ALL of them. I still don’t have a comprehensive understanding of how God works & will probably always have something to learn when it comes to the answers to those questions.

But God oftentimes (pretty much exclusively) leads us with baby steps, versus dumping all of His infinite knowledge on us all at once.

Remember, He is an INFINITE God.

We, on the contrary, are FINITE.

But, baby steps.

So, when my now husband, Jamie, entered my life, I first panicked, then prayed.

Unbeknownst to Me

But unbeknownst to me, Jamie was already praying… & not about wanting a relationship with me.

He was ALSO praying to avoid another heartache.

But God kept nudging him… to me.

He kept avoiding… kept praying to stay single… but God would not let him ignore me.

It wasn’t a push to get married, just an undeniable push to befriend me.

This obviously clashed with my desire to avoid him at all costs, haha. Thanks, God.

And when I could no longer avoid him, upon him asking me on our first date, I finally had to stop running & start praying.

Praying My Desire Versus Praying to Trust God’s Plan

Now, let’s be clear that I HAD been praying the whole time… but not for God’s will, wisdom, & direction… but for me to stay single (what I thought I wanted aka what I thought would keep me safest from heartbreak).

And now, I had to make a clear decision & I had to ask God’s will & guidance & HELP. I had to be willing to trust God with both scenarios of relationship or singlehood, not just singlehood.

My Prayer

But then God whispered on my heart, “Do you remember what you have been praying these last few years?”

I did. It went something like, “God, help me to trust Your plan & not just the fears or perceptions I see in front of me. Help me to see that if I marry, you are wanting me to marry a man that will grow into the man I need, versus someone perfectly fit right now. Help me to see Your will above my own. Help me to not judge someone based on their NOW, versus Your potential within them. If I marry, Lord, help it be someone who is willing to let me down in order to follow YOUR LEAD. Because You know far better what’s best for me than I do. And, Lord, because I will no longer flirt or “help things along”, I will go on at least ONE date with a man willing to ask me out when I have shown zero interest… knowing how much courage that takes. Amen.”

Well, now a guy was asking me out & I had to put my faith to the test.

I had prayed those things more than I could count. And now was my opportunity to trust God’s answer & His willingness to lead me every step.

And He did.

(But I still freaked out & panicked & wanted to bail along the way, because fear is quite a motivator.)

Ask Anyway…

But for those of you who have those questions of how God could even help… & so avoid asking God for help in those moments, wondering what God could possibly do that you haven’t already tried yourself (sounds arrogant & completely ridiculous just writing it, doesn’t it?… but isn’t that what we sort of feel, if we’re completely honest with ourselves?)… I want to share my journey & what God did for me in the midst of my questions.

My pastor friend told me many times while dating my now husband, “God is not a God of confusion. If you want answers & you seek Him for those answers, He WILL answer you… you just need to wait on God’s timing for those answers & trust that HE is capable.”

Waiting on God for Every Step, Like a Daughter Dancing on Her Father’s Feet

And so, despite my inner rebel telling me to flee the scene & not risk another heartbreak, I kept praying & I took those baby steps, waiting on God’s timing & God’s answers instead of trusting my own fear & worry.

Here are some ways I prayed & ways that God answered me along the way:

(HINT: God is an infinite God. What He guides me through is not a cut & paste testimony, but rather an EXAMPLE of how personal God is with us, when we let Him. Don’t rely on how God led ME in lieu of letting Him lead YOU. What worked for me may not work for you. You have to take steps of trusting Him with your own situation. He will guide you!)

1. Praying Before We Even Met

As I mentioned before, it’s important to be praying beforehand so you are prepared to follow & listen to God when you DO meet. Pray for discernment, peace, wisdom, trust to follow God whether in singleness or marriage… & anything else that comes to mind or worries you.

But, if you’re already in a relationship, it’s never too late to start.

2. Pray, Willing to Give It Up If It’s Not God’s Guiding

Along the way, I prayed for God to guide me… for Him to kick me out of the dating relationship, with completely clear certainty, if it wasn’t His best for us. (I was sort of hoping He would kick me out of it so the risk of heartbreak would evaporate with it.)

I prayed not to cling, not to romanticize, not to make anything more than it was. I prayed for God’s perspective to overshadow my own. I prayed to be willing to allow His will to trump mine.

3. Praying for Perspective When You Meet

I knew I was a daydreamer, wrapped up in every new possibility….

And I felt God nudging my heart in a very specific way during the beginning of my time with Jamie, “Michelle, you fall head over heels immediately when a guy holds your hand & holds you in long, comforting hugs… & if you really want to stay objective to knowing My will, you know you need to avoid physical affection because that’s a personal weakness & trigger for you.”

And so, I set strict physical contact boundaries for our dating relationship. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, no arms around the shoulder… & no sex. And I stuck to it.

I wanted to know Jamie for who he was, not for how he made me feel. Feelings change. I wanted more than temporary, unreliable feelings.

4. Praying Over Character/Personality & Whether It Was a Good Match with How God Designed Me

Clashes happen a lot in marriage, even when you’re “a good fit for each other.”

God had shown me different character traits that were important to me along the way, such as being willing to displease me in order to obey God… Or someone who was a kind & gentle listener, seeking to understand & discuss, versus brush off… Someone who, even with flaws & weaknesses, sought to know & love God more… not to just be a “good enough person.”

I prayed often over very specific things, asking God to show me if Jamie at least had that potential &/or willingness to grow… WITHOUT me prompting it… (& that is an important distinction)! If he knew I felt I needed certain traits & he liked me, don’t you think he would do his best to be that for me? But no, I wanted to hear it from God, not Jamie… so I never once hinted at my hopes.

My prayers were silent, between me & God only.

And every prayer resulted in Jamie telling me something like this the next day or so, “I don’t know why, because this seems really random to talk about, but I feel like telling you this story about one time when [enter a story about said character trait that I had recently prayed about here] happened.”

Blew my mind every time, but God was constantly finding ways to reaffirm His guidance in our relationship, because I was diligently seeking His will first.

5. I Set Boundaries of Potential Relationship Timing & PRAYED

After pouring out my heart to Jamie, after our very first date, expressing all of my fears & concerns, I asked him to wait THREE months before even considering asking to make it an official relationship. Friends only–no relationship talk, no romance, nothing. Just friends–for three MONTHS.

And I prayed & asked God for His wisdom & guidance & timing & I didn’t even dare try to “help it along” … I just waited on God.

Coupling with my desire to be with a man willing to disappoint me in order to obey God’s leading, I asked God to have Jamie go against my three-month request in order to ONLY trust God, even at the risk of scaring me away for good. I asked for God to push Jamie to ask me before the end of three WEEKS’ time.

And I didn’t ONCE even HINT that I was praying that as a confirmation from God. Not once.

And guess what… On December 31^st, mere hours before the three week time frame was over, Jamie spoke up… “Michelle, I have been praying like you asked me to, for God’s will & timing versus my feelings & I got my answer a couple days ago, but have continued praying & continued waiting because you told me not to even bring it up until three months, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am supposed to tell you now. I have been battling it all day & praying it away because I am terrified of scaring you away, but I feel like God wants me to say it now, so I need to say it now. I feel like God wants me to ask you out today. Will you agree to an official relationship? Will you be my girlfriend?”

If you are imagining a cartoon where the person’s jaw literally hits the floor, you are imagining pretty closely to how I felt in that exact moment.

I prayed. I waited. God answered.

God Is Infinite… God Is Infinitely Creative… God ANSWERS

As I said before, God is infinite & infinitely creative. The way He works through my life is not the same as how He will choose to move, through prayer, in your own life.

This story is meant to prompt you to PRAY… to seek God alone… To trust that HE knows what He’s doing & He CAN & WILL guide you & give you wisdom as you seek Him.

Trust Him, always… It’s ALWAYS worth it.

And when you don’t feel like you even know how to begin trusting Him… Start there… Ask Him to help you know how to trust Him. He will, my friend. He will.

Shine HOPE, by praying through the fears & unknowns (which are often the same thing).

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Brave Necklace

With hand-rolled cereal box beads, Haitian clay beads, and paired with suede tan cording, this staple necklace is perfect for any wardrobe.

Artisan Information:

Haiti is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of these orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths, but by parents who gave them up simply because they could not afford to feed them. No mother should have to give up her child. Through your purchase, you provide parents with a sustainable income, so they can keep their children! Be a part of families stepping into bright futures together!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Haiti!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

A Love Story

On this journey of pivotal moments in my life, where God helped me do a one hundred eighty degree turn around from my personal wisdom to trusting His, I cannot neglect talking about finding my husband God’s way.

I wrote about our love story in a two-part short story, so if you like reading love stories, check those out, by clicking each of the two links for A Love Story & A Love Story-Part 2.

Answered Prayers

But today, I want to talk to you about how God answered many prayers of mine along the path of meeting the man I now call my husband.

I am like many who will read this, I prayed for a good husband—someone who would love me forever & be loyal & be an understanding listener—but I just sort of expected to make my own decision, know immediately, fall in love, & get married.

But God doesn’t always work like that. Our understanding is limited, His is limitless. Sometimes (it should be always), we have to hold on in faith through the journey.

Scared of the Unknown

After falling in love out of high school, & then having to break his heart & my own to walk away, I was quite wary of the idea of believing in love again.

I didn’t want to let myself fall, only to have my heart or his broken.

I didn’t want to trust in a happily ever after that never came.

I didn’t want to trust in love, only to have that love walk out the door.

I didn’t want to wake up someday, only to be dreaming of some other man as the, “if only I had waited, & then I could have married this dream boat.”

I didn’t want a husband who had that happen to him.

I didn’t want depression or injury to push him into the arms of another woman.

Wrestling Insecurities

I also had my internal wheel of insecurities to wrestle with, still:

“I am too fat & ugly to maintain a loyal, loving man.”

“I talk too much & once a guy sees that, he will be looking for an out.”

“I struggle with depression at times, & that makes me less desirable.”

And the list went on.

In other words, I was scared to let myself love anyone. The cost seemed too high & the risk too great.

I Do… But I Don’t…

So, when I prayed, after losing my first love, my prayers were more like “Lord, I really want to fall in love & get married, but at the same time, I really, really don’t.”

So, I rested from dating, still praying for God’s wisdom & guidance (& healing of my broken heart).

I also read “When God Writes Your Love Story,” by Eric & Leslie Ludy, a book my Mom had gifted me as a teenager, at which I had rolled my eyes & shoved on a shelf, to be ignored every day since. But now, it seemed like a beacon of hope.

His Way Now

I no longer wanted relationships based on how much flirting I could do or how perfect I could make myself seem—a perfect listener, ALWAYS there for ANYTHING, always charming & flirtatious & trying eternally to be simply perfect in every way.

I was tired of the charade.

I was tired of heartbreak.

I was tired of all the fears.

I was ready to try GOD’S WAY because MY WAY was certainly NOT WORKING.

And so, I prayed, A LOT… & I read that book, inspired to try God’s way now.

Baby Steps… No Flirting (or Hinting) Allowed

The journey of trusting God instead of me, when it came to relationships, began to take a step in the right direction when I made a male friend at college, a couple years later.

You see, we started out as friends, but as it seems typical with friends of the opposite sex, one of us developed feelings for the other (hint, it was me).

But I wanted God’s way. I wanted to look back in marriage & KNOW that I didn’t manipulate the results & thus worry whether if I failed to keep up the charade, he would lose interest & leave me. I wanted God’s way instead.

So, I prayed instead of flirting.

Clinging to Prayer Versus Manipulation of Results

I stepped away from trying to impress a guy enough or be likeable or flirtatious enough to get noticed, & I started praying instead.

I asked God that if it was His will to be with this guy, that the guy would make the first move instead of me.

I didn’t flirt.

I didn’t hint at anything.

I didn’t talk about it in such a way that he might THINK I was interested, without actually SAYING I’m interested, so that he would be nudged to think it was possible if he would just get the guts to ask me already! (We girls NEVER do that, right? Cough cough.)

No, I kept it as friends & never assumed it would ever change & I never implied to him that I wanted anything different, EVER.

And when I wanted DESPERATELY to help things along, I cried out of frustration & just prayed, A LOT for the discipline to keep my big mouth SHUT.

And I prayed for God’s will over my own. (I also prayed to remember that God’s will was better than my own & to trust that when I wanted to cave & run into my friend’s arms for a Michelle Written Love Story!)

Nothing… & Still I Trusted in God Over Myself… For Once in Relationships

And guess what… the friend NEVER ONCE made a move… & I managed (through God’s power alone), to keep my big mouth shut.

And we stayed friends… & he since got married… & I adore his now wife.

I am SO GRATEFUL that we both clung to God instead of each other, because we can stay friends with no awkward past!

God ALWAYS knows best, even when we are absolutely convinced that we do!

But that also left me single.

Meeting an Encourager

So, I kept praying & I had the chance to meet with my Aunt, who had lost her love many years ago & who had run into the arms of Jesus as a result of her deep hurt.

She encouraged me so much, just seeing the peace & assurance that flowed through her words & her life. She had such inner strength, that you could tell flowed from her deep trust in God over herself or her circumstances.

She traveled the world, as a summer missionary to several locations, from which she would rotate each summer.

She inspired me. She showed me what I life of single-hood could offer—a life so in love & so in touch with God’s guidance, peace, strength, & wisdom that seemed to flow through every aspect of her personality & life & encouraged everyone around her.

A Holy Distraction

I decided then that a speaker I had heard at Liberty University was right, “Marriage is a holy distraction. Yes, it is a blessing ordained by God, but He also says that if we can manage it, a life devoted to God is so much more fulfilling. With a family, you are distracted often from deepening your own knowledge of & relationship with God because you are hopefully dedicated to encouraging those things in your family & expending your energy & focus on them instead of God quite frequently. Not bad, but still, “a holy distraction.””

I no longer rolled my eyes at or recoiled at the idea of singlehood.

I actually wanted it!

So, then came the next step in trusting God with relationships—giving up that idea of singleness… but that will have to wait for next week.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Change Earrings

Silver hammered hoops feature coral and turquoise-toned beads wrapped in a fun color-blocked pattern. Crafted in Pakistan.

Artisan Information:

In this area of Pakistan, women are often sold as bond slaves due to family debt. Education & work opportunities are limited for women in this country, as their lives are oppressed because of their gender. Through your purchase, these women are being freed from bondage. They can now make a self-reliant income, while also receiving reading & writing classes. You can bring hope to women in Pakistan!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Pakistan!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Hold Up

I was reminded, upon completing last week’s post about “Falling in Love, Heartbreak, & Learning to Trust God’s Plan,” that I neglected to mention a special pivotal moment of discovering who God made me to be, despite who I thought I was already.

Shaping Our Identity

Growing up, we all sort of grow to believe who we think we are, based on what our parents or others say about us or based upon stereotypes that the world presents to us.

We form our idea of “self” based on so many different internal & external factors: our desires, our fears, our insecurities, our successes, our failures, our wants & the way others view us or talk about us (among many other things).

We also create habits of self-protection to either save face or prevent a future hurt.

Insecure & Unsatisfied

For me, I grew up severely insecure about my appearance—so much so that I would shower with a t-shirt on & was afraid to see my face in the mirror because I was too afraid to look at myself.

I saw myself as unlovable & disgusting.

But, in my late teens/early twenties, I was determined not to stay stuck in a place of self-loathing because, like so many of us, I just desperately wanted to feel like I was worthy to be loved by someone.

I Had a Plan… A Plan That Backfired

So, instead of praying about it, I created a self-protection technique to help me get attention (which I thought was basically proof that I could be wanted & therefore, loved.

Besides deciding to shower in a t-shirt & avoid mirrors, I also self-protected by deciding to dress in a way that drew attention to my “assets” by wearing low-cut shirts & short shorts.

I thought attention to my body was the same as attention to me. (I was wrong.)

And, to top it off, I grew accustomed to speaking in such a way that way that each sentence was dripping with innuendos & flirtatious banter.

I taught myself how to make anything into a dirty joke because it proved effective in getting that attention I craved.

When I admitted to being a virgin at the time, people actually laughed heartily because I was so convincing to the contrary. I was proud of that (but a little hurt).

Getting Attention… But Something Felt Off

Perfecting the role I had assumed, I made more friends & got loads more attention.

I thought it was great. I enjoyed the power trip & the confidence that came with it.

But something just felt off.

The attention I was getting made me feel objectified more than loved or cared for. It made me feel icky.

Maintaining the Façade

I felt like I had to maintain this persona in order to feel worth anyone’s time or attention, but sometimes I just didn’t feel like I was being authentic… Like I was keeping up an act in order to stay appealing.

I guess that’s why my heart cries out toward actors & singers & other celebrities. Maintaining an air of perfect “I get along with EVERYbody ALL the time,” is just hard & quite frankly unattainable.

Everyone deserves an opportunity to just wear a messy bun, sweatpants, talk about things that aren’t as “appealing” to others, & just be real. No one is perfect. No one.

But I tried to be. I got pretty good at reading people & would adjust my personality or talk to make myself more appealing. I wanted to be liked & loved.

But like I said, it wore on me. I felt tired of keeping up this image.

I wanted to just slice through the fake efforts, just be myself & have that be enough for someone.

Who Am I If Not This?

But the biggest problem was, I didn’t know who I actually was without this personality I had invented.

I didn’t know how many friends I would have left if I didn’t keep up this image… this act.

I didn’t want to risk losing everyone… my circle… my net… my support.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to be unwanted.

So, I kept it up & dug in deeper to this image of confidence I portrayed to the world.

Unwanted Wanting

Guy friends ended up taking more “liberties” with me than I felt comfortable, but I was too worried about seeming insecure, about breaking the mirage I tried so hard to maintain.

And by the time it broke my heart enough (& with the supportive help of a good friend coaching me through it (Thank You, JD!), when I finally started standing up for myself… they got aggressive about it.

I was sexually assaulted by several friends, several times.

I was starting to realize that I no longer wanted so much attention.

I started to hate my persona.

I started to hate who I had become. Who I thought I was.

I felt so afraid because I didn’t know if that really was me, & if it wasn’t, I didn’t know who I was. I was afraid to lose everyone.

Finally… I Prayed

I was afraid that if I let the façade slip… if I faced depression again… if I didn’t try hard to be so loyal & friendly & a great listener & flirtatious & on & on & on, then any guy I dated would just walk away.

But I couldn’t keep the mask on forever.

So, I started to finally pray.

“God, I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel like I have any value. I feel unlovable. I don’t feel like I am special or desirable. I am afraid of being alone & unloved. I am afraid of being so ugly & not feeling like I have anything else to make anyone think twice about me. I don’t know who I am outside of this. This feels like me. It comes so naturally to me… but something about it hurts… Like I have to ALWAYS be this way in order to keep anyone around. God, I feel like this is me, but I guess You made me, so I guess if anyone knows who I am meant to be, it’s You. Show me YOUR potential for me. Show me YOUR design. Show me who YOU created me to be. And help me to trust You if I lose everything in the process. Please help me!!”

It was a scary & difficult prayer to pray, but I prayed it so many times I lost count.

I Wanted God’s Way… I Didn’t Want to Feel Used & Fake Anymore

I was desperate to feel like there was more to me than this fake girl who always had to make everyone happy 100% of the time & drew in people who took advantage of me just to feel like I had some worth.

God had to know. And I needed to know.

I needed to find me… His way… His plan… His design.

And guess what, Beautiful, He began to show me.

God Makes All Things New

Slowly, gradually, the fake flirtatious persona began to fade away as opportunities for dirty jokes would come up & just seem to be unappealing… I would just feel disgusted, like, “No, I am worth more than that. I don’t have to make people think about sex in order to be valued.”

It was a hard road & I ended up stepping away from several friendship circles, but I suddenly didn’t care so much.

I felt confident & free. I felt like I was finally myself (& I was finally okay with that!)

Who Do You Let Define YOU?

You see, it’s easy to let the world define us.

It’s easy to let our past define us.

It’s easy to let our inner cut-downs define us.

But we need to learn to let GOD define us.

God created you, Beautiful… & He doesn’t make mistakes.

God MADE You

Maybe you don’t measure up to what your parents, siblings, family, friends, or to what the world thinks you should be: prettier, smarter, thinner, more fashionable, more fit, more creative, less creative, blonder, darker, lighter, taller, shorter, curlier hair, straighter hair, etc….

But GOD MADE YOU.

We try to fashion ourselves into the niche we feel we belong based on the facts we believe about ourselves or what we believe others want from us…

But GOD MADE YOU.

Lean into Him. Ask Him. Ask Him to show you His design for you.

And don’t be satisfied to stop praying until you see Him begin to shape you & change you from the inside out… an inner confidence based on His design & your worth based on His love & care for you.

GOD MADE YOU.

Take Your Presuppositions & Pray About Them

And I can tell you from personal experience, that if you take your presuppositions & assumptions about who you think you are or who you think you have to be or are supposed to be… & you take that to Him in prayer, to trade it for HIS DESIGN instead… You will NOT be disappointed.

In fact, you will finally feel like YOU.

Imagine that!

Trust Him always, Darling. He loves you infinitely & He doesn’t make mistakes, no matter what anyone says about you (or no matter what you say to yourself—stop that inner self-hate dialogue!)

Trust Him. Always. Trust His DESIGN.

Shine Hope by being your beautiful, God-designed SELF!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Satan Is Limited… God is NOT

With a single thought, God made everything still.

I am about to share with you a story that I don’t often tell.

There is a danger in talking about the power of Satan, because it can scare people into believing he must be feared.

While it’s true that Satan is far more powerful than we are & has much more influence in this world than we like to give him credit for, he is not the Ultimate, All-Powerful, Sovereign, Supreme Ruler God.

Satan is limited.

And so are we.

But GOD is NOT.

The Happy Ending

I started this post with the spoiler alert ending to this story—“With a single thought, God made everything still,” as a reminder that no matter what you are about to read, God is SUPREME & if He says “Stop”, nothing (absolutely NOTHING) can overcome His will & power.

he Wasn’t Happy

Last week’s blog post, “Pivot, Pivot! #4-The Great Purge-Learning to Trust God in the Hurts,” set the stage for this week, where I shared my story about purging the thoughts & physical items that I clung to instead of God, blocking me from going “all in” with my trust in God over myself.

You can imagine that for one who wants to pick us off, manipulate us, throw accusations at us, & keep us as far away from God & truth & hope as possible, Satan was anything but pleased to see me make that sort of life statement of going “all in” for God.

Search Me, O God

I remember that during the event where I literally burned my CD collection which I had been clinging to white-knuckled instead of trusting God, I had written only a single phrase/verse in my journal during that time.

I was following along through the worksheet I mentioned last week, but as for my personal journal, only Psalm 139:23-24 made it onto the blank pages:

“Search me, O God, &know my heart: test me, & know my thoughts:

 And see if there be any wicked way in me, & lead me in the way everlasting.”

Weeding Out the Obstacles

You see, my heart cry was to no longer rely on myself &/or external things, but to give up my life to trust in the God eternal, the Redeemer of my life, Love everlasting.

The above two verses summed up how my heart was yearning. I wanted to weed out anything that was holding me back from total trust.

Wait…! What Was That…?

As a quick backstory, I had a history of paranoia.

I had chronic nightmares, was afraid of the dark as an adult, & was even afraid to pray out loud in case Satan could know my plans & then ruin them.

In other words, I was putting Satan higher than God in that I feared him more than I trusted God.

It was another roadblock I didn’t even know could change.

Trust God First

God knew that needed to learn to trust God more than I feared Satan. He knew He needed to squash Satan’s power of fear that he was holding over me, so that I could see God as the One True God.

But I didn’t know that was coming.

I wrote that verse in my journal & my eyes burned with tears of longing to give God my everything, no longer tossed to & fro by the troubles & lures of the world, but anchored in a sure foundation of hope.

Know That God Has the Final Word–Not Satan

And when I fell asleep that night, the scariest thing in the world happened to me.

And I am grateful for every second of it, because, “With a single thought, God made everything still.”

The point of sharing this upcoming story is to reveal to you that no matter how much more powerful Satan is than us, GOD IS INFINITELY MORE POWERFUL.

And before I began writing about this topic, I prayed how to share this story with you, not wanting to perpetuate that fear that once controlled me… & God whispered over my heart, “If you don’t want to scare them into submission to the Liar, start with the ending. Show the hope first.”

“With a single thought, God made everything still.”

The Fear Before the Victory

I was sleeping soundly, as far as I can remember, when I awoke with a start, to the darkness of night enveloping my room.

I tried to roll over, but all limbs seemed pinned in place.

That’s when I saw a hovering cloud of darkness by the side of my bed.

And I heard a voice in my head. A voice that was not my own.

“You think you can get away? Hahaha. I am in control now!”

Can’t Run Away, But God’s Got Me Still

I thought I must be imagining it, so I tried to turn away, to crawl under my covers… or bolt for the door, but again, my limbs were glued in place.

The cackle continued… Mocking, harsh, cruel.

I tried to scream, but I had lost my voice. Not a single noise could be forced out. Fear escalated.

“I am in control now… I told you that already… Where is your God? He’s not here to save you. I have control over you & He can’t stop it. Where is He? Hahaha.”

Crying, Afraid… But Then, Mom

I was crying now, terrified out of my mind. I urged my body to break the hold with every ounce of will until one arm broke free & I just slammed it into the wall over & over again, my voice still missing.

“No one can help you. Not even God is coming. Can you hear Him? No. Can you see Him? No. That’s because He was never even here. He doesn’t actually care about you & I am in control now! Hahahaha.”

My Mom eventually came rushing in as I cried & panicked.

I found my voice & began to unintelligibly tell her everything all at once, panic consuming me.

Stop Giving Satan the Power

My Mom wisely told me to stop giving Satan the power, that God was bigger & I needed to remind him & myself of that!

She was on the edge of my bed & I think she prayed with me.

As I looked up at her, terror-stricken, I saw as if she had the face of a demon, glaringly mocking me with a sneer.

I screeched & couldn’t get myself to look her in the face anymore.

Mind Games of Terror

My cat came out from under the bed to find out what was going on & when he jumped on my bed, I snatched him up & clung to him.

The mocking laughter continued, an audible voice speaking directly into my head, as the dark cloud remained.

As I hugged my cat, crying loudly, I pinched my eyes closed & a vision of terror flashed in my mind, of my cat lunging at my throat with fangs bared.

I dropped my cat & cried louder, scared to look at anyone or anything, afraid it would be warped & twisted into something even more terrifying.

I felt like the demon was winning & I had no hope. I had prayed & begged & yet God hadn’t shown up & hadn’t yelled to silence the voice.

Read About God’s Power… Remind Your Heart Who Is Really in Control!

I was alone & starting to believe the voice I heard.

My Mom turned on the lights to my room, turned my stereo to Worship music & got my Bible.

Her idea was to go through the concordance in the back of the Bible, look up the word “power” & read EVERY verse listed to remind myself that GOD is in control, not this demon.

The voice kept jeering, “He can’t help you anymore. I have control over you now. You’re mine!!”

I picked up my Bible, willing to try anything to make the voice stop, & started at the first verse listed, making my way through each verse where it mentions the power of God.

I Thought It Was Over

The voice faded & the fear subsided.

My Mom eventually prayed with me once more, told me to keep reading, & left to return to bed.

My eyelids grew heavy & with the voice gone, I decided to brave turning off the music, turning off the light, & going back to sleep.

But as soon as I got back in bed, the voice returned… “You thought you could get rid of me that easily?! Hahahaha. I’m still here & there’s nothing you can do to get rid of me because God’s not coming to help you.”

I Must Trust in God’s Power More Than My Fear

I sprinted for the light, turned on the music to drown out the voice, & grabbed my Bible to pick up where I left off.

I felt God nudging my heart, “Lean into me. Learn about my power. Don’t trust the voice. Just keep reading & trust my power instead. I am with you. Keep reading to the last word.”

I still felt the evil near me, but I kept reading, keeping my eyes glued to learning more about God’s power, not wanting to be crushed by my fear.

And as I finished the last word of the last verse, it happened.

With A Single Thought…

With a single thought, God made everything still.

Everything.

It was mind-blowing how very suddenly the darkness vanished; the voice was erased, & the fear just evaporated all in the single instant that I finished reading.

God showed in a profoundly surprising way, that no matter how present Satan makes himself or how much he mocks or jeers or accuses… No matter how much power he may display over us… God has the final word.

A Single Thought of God’s Is Greater Than Satan’s Worst

God didn’t have to make a grand appearance to show His power.

God didn’t have to boom his voice over the demon’s to show His power.

God didn’t have to do anything “MORE THAN” the demon to prove Himself.

He proved Himself with a single thought. A THOUGHT of God’s was more powerful than the loudest, strongest action the demon could pull off.

A THOUGHT.

No Matter How Big Your Fear Is… God Is Bigger

I share this story with you, not to scare you into sleeping with the light on, but to demonstrate to you that NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR FEAR IS… GOD IS BIGGER!

Just a single THOUGHT is bigger than the worst that Satan can do.

Does God let Satan bellow & threaten & cause harm? Yes. But all in a display to show us that if we trust in God Himself instead, Satan, with all his given power, is POWERLESS.

A New Day of Trusting God Above My Fears… Even in Sleep

After that day, nightmares changed for me. They, for the most part, vanished completely from my nights.

But when they did show up, they were different.

The monster or the killer or whoever would come at me… I would be screaming & running in fear… Only to have a realization that, no, I’m not doing this anymore… PIVOTING to face the threat, & yelling, “In the Name of JESUS CHRIST, LEAVE. ME. ALONE!”

And the monster would vanish & the dream would transform where any fragment of danger or fear would just vanish & laughter would replace it.

If We Let Him… If We Learn to Trust Him First

God has power over even our dreams, if we let Him.

God has power over the darkness, if we let Him.

God has POWER over our fear, IF WE LET HIM.

So, let Him.

Trust HIM.

He is God-Almighty, Creator of the Heavens & the Earth, Ruler of all, King of kings, Lord of lords, Beginning & the End, Infinite, Redeemer, He is Love. He is POWER.

Trust Him.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Iris Earrings

Iridescent pink crystal beads sway on these golden teardrop hoops.

Artisan Information:

In Peru, rural citizens have been affected by extreme poverty & guerrilla warfare. Women are affected the worst as their husbands generally leave them in search of work. Many are unable to get the basic needs of food, shelter, & clothing. But with every purchase of this product, women are finding hope & an income by hand making this beautiful product. Because of you, these family businesses are now empowering the next generation!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Peru!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

A Quick Recap

Today, we come to yet another pivotal moment in my life…

So far, I have shared with you:

• Simplicity of grace in how I came to know Jesus
• My long-time battle of doubts & my eventual decision to not only pray, but to try to find happiness on my own terms
• My experience through depression & how God used that dark time in my life to solidify a foundation of TRUTH to rest in.

And now, I wish to share with you a multi-week story of what happened after I discovered that solid, reliable truth.

I Think I Know Best… But I Don’t

After God showed up in a big way, through my depression, & after He woke me up to the fact that HE was the source of truth I had been searching for for so long, was I always faithful to God? No.

I often gave (give) into human nature & I relied on what I personally thought was best, before even stopping to consider that God would know better & that I could always ask Him for wisdom. (I still struggle with this!)

It’s the human nature way of doing things when we just go through life either “winging” it or thinking we’ve got the answer & we’re ready to go… or flailing through life, wondering what in the world to do.

We (or at least I) tend to think, “I’ve got this!” or, “I SHOULD be able to do this!”

God Is Willing, But Will I Ask?

But God is right there with us, offering His wisdom, guidance, comfort, & help… so why is it so hard to ask Him versus auto-pilot mode?

This will be a forever-growing type of learning because it goes against our desire to feel in control & self-sufficient.

But, I digress….

As I currently struggle with this, I struggled with it then, too.

Turning to Music Instead of God

And a big area of struggle for me was turning to music instead of Someone who could actually help me-God.

I don’t mean that I was listening to crude, explicit music… nor that anything other than “Christian” music is even bad.

But what I mean is this—when life got hard & teen angst was winning over in my flurry of teenage hormones & emotions, my first instinct was definitely not prayer.

Validate Me!

I wanted to feel validated for what I wanted to feel about what I was feeling.

(Ain’t it fun to be a teenager? Haha. But really, I still do this.)

Oh, sometimes I thought about praying, though… but then I felt this sort of rebellion flare up inside of me, like, “No, I’m fine! I just want to listen to these sad love songs or sad ‘how dare they hurt me’ music & then I’ll be better!”

I was turning to music as my source of peace, only finding myself brooding or feeling worse because of how unfair the world felt.

The Music Always Had My Back…

I felt justified in my anger or hurt or bad attitude toward someone or some circumstance & the music was always there to back me up with lyrics like, “how dare they…” or “they’ll think twice before they…” or “I’m so sad & it’s all their fault….”

Angst galore.

And I didn’t pray for clarity or God’s peace or wisdom on how to handle it.

I just wallowed & sang along to the sad, sad tune.

But I Have a RIGHT to be Upset!

I think I liked the feeling of being justified in how upset or hurt I felt, without realizing that dwelling on those thoughts so deeply only left me feeling more hurt.

I enjoyed the drama, but I hated the hurt.

Next Time, Though…

And every time that I noticed this being the trend of results I was getting, I thought to myself, “why didn’t I just pray & ask God to comfort me & give me peace & strength & wisdom? It ALWAYS helps! You know what? No more turning to those sad songs to justify my hurt. NEXT TIME, I am definitely going to pray instead because all that hurt sucks!”

But next time…? Yep, you guessed it… I didn’t pray.

I wallowed & slunk dejectedly toward my music player, popped on my headphones, slid under the covers, & brooded the night away in tears.

It was a pathetic, sad cycle that always left me worse off.

Friendships That Encourage Us to Lean into God

But then, I had a certain friend. I’ll call her R. She encouraged me to seek God more.

We used to go in book stores, sit cross-legged on the floor, in the Christian books section, grab random books off the shelf & talk about life in our little tucked away corner.

I’m not sure how it started, but we decided to read through “Authentic Beauty”, by Leslie Ludy. (If you click the title, it will take you to view it on Amazon.com.)

My friend & I would talk about this book sometimes over the phone or on our get-togethers on the floor of the bookstore.

That book changed my world!

Hidden Gaps & Traps

The author, Leslie, talked about how we all cling to the things that we think will make us happy, but find ourselves trapped by them (um, me!) & how there are so many things that are either subconscious beliefs or tucked away secrets that keep us from going “all in” with our faith in God.

Those hidden or noticeable things entice us to hold back parts of ourselves from God, as if He doesn’t already know & see them.

Learning to Purge

In the book, Leslie also talks about doing a purge of both physical items & mental strongholds that we cling to, whether it be memories, shame, fears, doubts, etc.

Old love letters you keep tucked away for a day you feel low? Gone. (It only reminds you of what you don’t have & ends up hurting even worse.)

Pictures, mementos, or other things from old relationships that you hold on to as a sort of contingency plan when you don’t like yourself? Trash. (Clinging to anything but God is never going to satisfy us… It just makes the gaping holes more obvious!)

And my music collection. All of it. Everything. Out. (No more clinging to something that only hurt me worse. No more clinging to false anchors that leave me washed up on shore, in despair.)

Mrs. Ludy also included an online prompt guide that you could print out, to help you address thoughts that are clouding your heart & mind & keeping you trapped in the past. (I believe it is still available… check out her website on my website Resources & Recommendations tab!)

Let’s Get It Started!

Well, my friend R & I decided it was time to get together at a park, start a fire in the fire pit & take time to apologize to God for trusting these things over Him & then asking Him to help us cling to Him through life instead. It was time to purge.

And so, we took turns burning things we had held so tightly to that were just keeping us back in the empty hole of pain.

Be Gone!

I destroyed several hundred dollars’ worth of CDs.

Gone to ash.

“Why?!” you might ask… “Why didn’t you just give them away or sell them or throw them in the trash?!! That is so much wasted money!!!”

Yes, all of those thoughts screamed in my head as well.

But I didn’t want to cling to something that kept causing me more pain. I wanted out from under its hold on me. I wanted to trust God to be sufficient in His comfort, strength, & wisdom, versus a sad song to affirm my pain in the moment, but also offer no help or solution.

And if I gave it away, I would probably beg for it back… If I sold them, I felt like I was doing it for profit… & if I threw it away, I would cave & go get them out.

And I knew that the money used to buy those CDs was made possible by God’s blessing & that I would rather have Him than a CD collection.

It Was My Shackles

Call me fanatical if you’d like, but I will tell you right now that my heart KNEW I was imprisoned by that collection. I felt like I NEEDED it to survive any hurt I faced.

It was a lie. And I clung to it with white knuckles.

It wasn’t the CD collection that was wrong… It was the control it had over me.

I didn’t burn everything non-Christian related that I owned. I specifically burned that CD collection because I recognized how much power it had over me & I was no longer satisfied letting that remain the case.

God Knew What I Needed Was Really HIM

I will tell you right now that God helping me recognize that clinging to my CD collection for hope & validation was the source of so much of my heartache… & then having the faith & courage to demolish that source of control over me so I could trust the loving source of God in my life… It was the most freeing thing I have done.

I felt free. SO FREE.

Like, “Bye, Felicia! Buh-BYE! See ya never!”

It felt great!

Finding the Balance, Removing the Control

And do I have non-Christian CDs now? Yes. (I, for one, love Disney music, so… no judgement please, haha.)

But I didn’t have any new CDs (other than worship/praise to God music) for several years after that, until it no longer was my go-to.

Not the Music… The Control

Did I judge anyone else for having other music? NO! Because I knew it wasn’t the music that was bad (singing about love or happy blessings in our life is not sinful), it was the control the music had OVER me.

And I made sure that every time I hurt after that, when I felt that rebellion flare up that “I don’t need God! I’m fine!” I would then stop… breathe… close my eyes… & ask God to help me change my heart & my snooty, rebellious, temper tantrum attitude.

Then I asked Him to give me real peace & hope & comfort through Him, in my hurt, in its place.

It was 100% more effective.

Every time.

Reflect & See What Is Controlling You… & Give It Over to God & Find Freedom through Trusting God Instead!

So, what’s the moral of the story, you ask? Don’t buy music? Burn everything you own? No.

The point is to take time for reflection & ask God what is holding you back from trusting Him more.

Ask Him to show you what you’re hiding & for Him to be the gentle guide to help you eradicate it from your heart so it doesn’t keep controlling you.

Ask Him to give you courage to trust Him through the process.

Maybe go to Leslie Ludy’s site & go through the prompt guide yourself.

And ask God to comfort you through the healing.

He is walking alongside you, waiting for you to ask.

It’s not all up to you to fix everything broken or to heal everything hurting.

He is able. He is willing.

Ask Him for help. It’s so, SO worth it, Beautiful One!

Coming Next Week

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Inverted Capiz Earrings

These earrings feature shimmery, creamy white capiz shells, each framed by a black edge.

Artisan Information:

In the Philippines, finding employment as a woman in poverty can be extremely difficult. Poor working conditions, lack of job security, & unfair pay are often the realities. Through your purchases, these women are receiving an income, health care, & social development programs. This allows these women to realize their potential & pursue their dreams in a safe environment. You have the opportunity to change lives!

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