Trending: Exhaustion

I have seen a consistent theme in many Christian circles… Many people seem to think that the more they DO for God, the better a Christian or God-follower they are.

I am here to break that harmful thought pattern with a little truth we could all stand to benefit from (including me).

Being a “good” Christian is not about how many “godly” things you cross off of your list, it is about leaning into God with more & more of your life.

The Beauty of Letting God be GOD

In other words, being a “good” Christian is about trusting God to lead versus trying to cover all the bases, exhausting ourselves, & missing the mark completely.

We need to learn to understand the beauty of surrender… the beauty of letting God rule our minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, etc.

God has a beautiful & vast plan that is both all-encompassing & intimately personal to each individual.

He doesn’t need our help figuring out how to carry out His plans.

What God Needs

God needs us to be still & to wait on Him. He needs us to listen. He needs us to be willing to let Him lead. He needs us to trust Him enough to obey when He leads our hearts. He needs us to surrender our ideas to His will. He needs us to use our resources according to His nudging versus our earthly & thus greatly shortsighted understanding.

And sometimes, He needs us to LET GO of what He has NOT asked us to do in a season of life… but that we keep clinging to because to us it defines our level of commitment to God.

His Plans Are Not Our Plans

God is trying to show you YOUR individually created purpose & the joys of seeing all that He has set before you in His wonderful plan.

He wants us to join in HIS plan.

You see, being a “good” Christian is not about how much you accomplish for God, but in how much you trust Him & let Him lead your steps. It’s about making Him Lord over your life.

But… But…

I understand the temptation to want to prove our loyalty or love for Him.

I understand the pressure to prove to others that I am a “good enough” Christian or that I am doing “enough” for God.

I understand wanting to be Martha (Luke 10:38-42) aka a good hostess for my Lord.

But God wants more of our HEARTS.

Should we be willing to live out our faith, in action? Yes! But that should be done by leaning into God & letting Him determine & lead those actions, versus trying to do it all.

God Is Not Asking Us to “FIX” the World, But to Carry Out Our Given Purpose While in It

On this side of heaven, the world will never be perfect. God is not asking us to change that & He is not putting the pressure on our shoulders to make this world perfect.

What He is asking is for us to lean into Him & ask Him what His will for our day/life is.

Not to do it all, but to do what He has planned for YOU.

We have to be willing to trust Him to handle the rest.

We Want to be the Hero… But God Has Already Won the War

Are there gaps that you see & you want to fill it all in? Don’t jump to fill every void if you are already obeying God’s steps for you. Instead, ask for His wisdom & guidance & will & trust HIM to be the Hero.

Maybe He will help you restructure so that the need that is stressing you out is no longer needed in the same way.

Maybe God sends help from somewhere unexpected.

Maybe that thing is not actually needed at this time & maybe He is asking you to let it go & trust Him.

My point is this… God sees what we do not… & we should be trusting in Him & leaning into Him instead of trying to replace Him by doing it all for the God of the universe.

Saying “No” When It’s Hard

When I was out of high school, I faced my second battle with depression/anxiety. I was angry & sad a lot & didn’t know how to stop it. I had suicidal thoughts quite often.

So, I ended up seeing a therapist to help me understand the battle waging in my mind & she helped me see outside of my own loop of solutions that never worked but went like this:

Stressor -> Anger/sadness -> Suicidal thoughts -> Stuffing it -> Stressor -> Anger/sadness, etc. (It was a downward spiraling loop.)

She showed me a doorway I never knew was there before: to say “No” versus trying to be everyone’s everything.

My anxiety was brought on by my inability to say “no” or “not now” to others… I never wanted anyone to feel let down or alone–both wonderful things, but I needed to instill balance in my life.

The reality was that I COULD NOT be everyone’s everything… It simply was not possible.

Don’t Burn Out… Look to Him & Rest in His Plan/Purposes

The same is true with Christian living.

If we go about life trying to fill in every gap & perfect every imperfection that we see in this world, we will quickly become despairing & exhausted.

God doesn’t need us to fill His shoes. He needs us to obey where He calls us, specifically.

And we won’t know what that moment-by-moment, daily calling is unless we are leaning into Him for direction, wisdom, strength, & guidance.

Maybe, Just Maybe, He Knows “Just a Little Bit” More

Maybe He sees a side door or new direction/way that you have been ignoring or unknowingly bypassing.

Maybe He sees a person willing to step up that you have overlooked.

Maybe He knows a little (a WHOLE LOT) more than we do.

Maybe we should let Him be God & surrender our hearts & lives to serve His will, plan, & design in just the ways He personally calls us to… & leave the rest to Him.

Abiding more is all about leaning into Him more… direction, wisdom, guidance, strength, power, a way where there is no way, love, patience, joy, kindness, compassion, hope, grace, mercy, & everything else we need.

Pray, & ask Him to show you what that should look like in your own life.

A Prayer to Let Go… And to Act Where He Leads

“Lord, I feel like I am trying to do it all. I want to please You, but I understand that You don’t need me to do it all in order for You to accomplish Your will & way. Help me to let You have the control instead of trying to maintain it myself. You are not dependent on me for everything that You desire for this world. Help me to let go of control & offer it to Your able hands instead. Teach me to trust You to be GOD. Help me to see where you want me to give up certain things that You are not asking of me & help me see the areas You are asking me to fill. If there is a job or action that you want to restructure or omit for now, please make it clear to me & teach me to walk in You, letting You lead my every step, including how I serve You, whom I reach out to, how I spend my resources, etc. You are God. Teach me to trust You with more & more of my life every day because of Your great love for me, Your great love for this world, & Your infinite wisdom & power. Thank You for all that You are. I love You. Amen.”

Letting Him be God Over It ALL

Becoming a full-time Christian happens by learning the beautifully freeing art of letting Him be God of every area of your life… NOT by trying to do it all.

He can handle it, trust me.

Shine Hope by bowing your will to His way, & leaning into Him through every step of the way.

Coming Next Week

Join me this Thursday morning for our December Special Feature post & then also every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Holly Necklace

Holly is one of the founders of Trades of Hope & her passion is to empower women to be all God created them to be & to live out their potential. Whether she is visiting the women living in the brothels of Asia or in hometown USA, her desire is to see women live out their calling with pride & dignity. This piece is a reflection of the pride & skills a woman rescued from the brothels has when given the opportunity.

A delicate piece, this golden/pink druzy necklace with a golden chain sparkles in the light.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Not Everyone Feels Jolly & That Is Okay

As Christmas fast approaches, I am reminded of those who are dreading this time of year… Not because they hate Christmas, but because they hate doing Christmas without a person whom they have lost or because they have to do Christmas alone or away from family this year.

The holidays put so much pressure on us to be with family & loved ones… & when that cannot happen for one reason or another, it can be so painful to bear.

God sees you, too. Even in the heartache that seems too thick to swallow, He sees you.

Your Heartache Matters to God

I want to take this week to speak to those of you who are feeling that dense, hard-to-swallow pain this time of year, because I know that your heartache matters to God.

It’s important to point out that God does not expect us to never be sad or hurt. We don’t have to stuff down our pain & pretend it doesn’t exist. God doesn’t shame us in our heartbreak.

If anyone doubts this, they only have to read Ecclesiastes to see despair spilled over its pages.

Finding Hope in the Darkness

Life can be hard, there is no denying that.

But in finishing up the book of Ecclesiastes, in all of the author’s woes of despair & meaninglessness, he ends the book by prompting us to follow & obey God—the way of life that brings meaning to the hurt.

Life may not always be pretty or comfortable or easy or full of laughter, but we can be guaranteed that God is with us through it all. He is our enough in the midst of the heartache.

Cling. Cry Out. He Is Listening.

Cling to Him. Cry out to Him. Pour out your heart to His listening ears. God can handle your pain.

Ask for Him to be your comfort & strength & hope in the midst of your deep pain.

Because while we are not promised a life of comfort & ease, we are promised that He is enough to carry us through the fires & storms & aches of life.

Your source of hope in the midst of the tears will always be Him.

Let Him…

He cares for you. He sees you. He is able. He is enough.

Let Him fill where you feel void & empty.

Let His love be a balm on your weary heart.

Let His strength help you rise above the brambles.

Let His power carry your broken heart.

Let His comfort ease your burdens.

His Words, Not Mine

(Emphasis in the following verses is mine.)

“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” (Ephesians 2:4-5)

“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)

“He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

“He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.” (Psalm 23:2)

“Come to Me, all who labor & are heavy laden, & I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“God is our refuge & strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13)

“Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” (Isaiah 26:3)

“Come to me, all who labor & are heavy laden, & I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, & learn from Me, for I am gentle & lowly in heart, & you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, & My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice & my pleas for mercy. Because He inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.” (Psalm 116:1-2)

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin & death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh & for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” (Romans 8:1-6)

Shine Hope by Leaning into Him

It doesn’t have to look pretty. You don’t have to get yourself together first. Come to Him in the mess. Pour out your sorrows to Him because He cares for you. He is listening & He sees you.

You are not alone, for He is with you always, even to the end of the age.

Come to Jesus & find Life, even in the midst of your great sorrows.

He sees you & He loves you more than words could ever express. <3

Merry Christmas.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Nairobi Necklace

Small hammered ovals & ethically sourced bone shapes adorn this golden necklace that shimmers in the light. Crafted in Kenya.

Artisan Information:

In Kenya, where many people struggle with starvation & poverty, the women we partner with are defying the odds! Your purchase empowers these women to earn an income, overcome physical disabilities, & become important parts of their communities!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Kenya!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Only What I Want to Hear

How often do we pray, only listening for the answer we want to hear?

I have found that sometimes in my prayers, I feel as if God is not hearing or answering me because it is not the way I want Him to answer me.

For example, when I was so lonely & I was struggling so much in Hokkaido, Japan, my prayers basically revolved around my idea of making the struggle end.

When my struggling did not end, a root of bitterness started taking root against God.

Not to Make Everything Easy, But to Be Enough in the Hard

But, God does not promise that we will never have struggles or hardships.

He DOES, however, promise to be our “ENOUGH” in the midst of those struggles & hardships.

For Our Good

On top of that, those struggles & hardships are actually meant for our good, believe it or not. Sort of like when Joseph went through all of his trials (& there was a lifetime of them!), his response to his cruel & jealous brothers was, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many peopleshould be kept alive, as they are today.”

God uses the HARD times in our life to bring about GOOD purposes.

Front Row Seats

For one, hardships strengthen us & teach us confident perseverance.

They also strengthen our faith, because when we are weakened & thus clinging to God more fiercely, we are given wonderful opportunities to see Him work wonders that we were not able to accomplish on our own. It puts Him on center stage & oftentimes gives us front row seats to watch Him work!

He doesn’t hurt you, but He uses the hurt caused by sin & a broken world (broken because of the sin), to strengthen you in so many ways!

Lean into Him

So, when I am faced with those hardships, instead of looking for my hope in the ABSENCE of those hardships & praying as such, I (we) SHOULD learn to pray for God’s help in the midst of those storms.

We can pray for His wisdom, strength, peace, hope, comfort, guidance, etc.!

*Plugging Ears*

BUT sometimes we don’t want to even hear the answer He gives, when we do choose to seek His wisdom & guidance, in which stems another stunt to answered prayers.

A Bible example of this sort of harmful mindset is found in Zechariah 7, where the people inquired of God, & when His response came, with:

“Administer true justice; show mercy & compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other….”

The people “… refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs & covered their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint & would not listen to the law or to the words that the Lord Almighty had sent by His Spirit through the earlier prophets.”

In other words, they only wanted an answer if it made them look or feel good.

Looking Good & Feeling Good About Ourselves Versus Bringing God Glory

Before this situation took place, they were asking God if they should continue fasting at particular times as they had been told to do & as they had been doing for many years & God called them out on it, telling them they had turned those things into prideful acts, versus acts of humble surrender. They did it to look & feel good, not to honor God.

Are our prayers centered around making us look good &/or feel good about ourselves?

Or are they centered on laying down our way for His, through the strength & peace He provides? Are they centered on giving God center stage in our life?

What’s Our Focus?

We need to be mindful of how we pray.

Pray first to draw your strength, wisdom, guidance, peace, joy, hope, etc. from Him in times of struggle, & also for it to bring Him glory & draw you & others closer to Him in the process.

And also, pray willing to trustingly obey the answer He gives. Trust Him enough to know that He means it for your good & lean into Him through prayer & acting on His words to you.

You can even ask for His help in doing what you know He is calling you to do.

Trust & Obey

Whether it be bringing a meal to a family, supporting an orphan or widow, or doing anything out of your comfort zone, ask God for help as you obey.

Ask Him for courage. Ask Him for peace. Ask Him for strength. Ask Him for a willing heart. Ask Him to help you trust Him.

Because when we ask for His help, we should understand that if ANYONE knows the best way to handle a struggle or situation, it is Him… so trust Him enough to listen & follow through with HIS answer, over looking only for your way.

Shine HOPE by trusting God enough to listen & to follow His way, in your prayers.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Onyx Necklace

Modern hammered brass necklace features 3 genuine onyx drops.

Artisan Information:

The poverty cycle in India continues primarily because of the lack of education. Most schools are not free or affordable. Therefore, many children never learn to read or write and grow up with limited opportunities. However, every purchase of this product empowers women to provide for their children and send them to school! You have the opportunity to end poverty and create an impact for generations to come!

Purchase this piece and empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Being Gracious When They Ask

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to explain yourselves countless times & just got tired of doing so?

Now, I understand the value of being gracious to others, knowing that when they ask questions, it is not necessarily to mock or judge me, but rather because they lack understanding & want to better understand the situation. And, to better understand, they must ask someone who knows more than they do.

But Sometimes I Just Don’t Feel Up to It…

But, sometimes, as the explainer, I just don’t always feel up to the task.

Sometimes it’s hard to rehash something you’d rather forget was so different & in need of explaining.

Other times, you are struggling to make sense of it yourself.

I understand the value of patience & understanding, offering grace to those who may not know about my situation, but sometimes it’s hard to see past my own struggle.

Such is the case with my situation.

Sometimes I perk up at the opportunity to bless someone with a new & fresh perspective, & other times I just want to slowly, quietly back away & hope that they forgot I was even talking to them.

Our Planning Can Sometimes Make Us Expect Our Way Versus God’s Way

I think it is common to take for granted the “plan” for life that society has so ingrained in us. Grow up… Get married… Have babies… Become grandparents… etc.

Not to say there is anything wrong with that plan, except for the fact that we are determining what God’s plan should be for us & the fact that it seems to uproot us when we realize our plan might not actually be GOD’S plan for our lives.

I am currently thinking of the verses in James 4:13-15, “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such & such a city, spend a year there, buy & sell, & make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time & then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live & do this or that.”

It’s Not Wrong to Make Plans, But Bow Them to God’s Will

It’s not wrong to set goals & plans, but we need to be willing to trust that whatever God’s plan is, is much better than ours & I think a lot of life’s disappointments stem from coming up with a way of life that seems right to us, only to find out God has other plans for our life purpose.

BUT, that’s not to say His plan will be easy to accept or easier than our plan… just BETTER.

Here Stems My Struggle

BUT, the catch to that, is we will miss out on so much of the blessing God intends in His BETTER by focusing on how much it doesn’t match the plan we have meticulously mapped out for ourselves—which can lead to much bitterness (trust me, I know from experience. I’m not always good at relinquishing my ideals for His perfect will.)

I’m good at (bad at?) thinking I know better. *sigh* I am a work in progress.

It Gets Personal

My husband & I always assumed we would have kids one day. Sure, I was terrified at first, & then he was when he felt the fuller weight of responsibility, but eventually we turned those fears to God’s care & welcomed God to bring a child into our lives with ready anticipation & excitement… for the next 6.5 years now.

Even after both of us being checked by the doctors & being told we were both in prime baby-making condition… Still, no baby.

Even after we prayed for many years… Still, no baby.

(Let me clarify that babies still sort of terrify me & I am not one to coo & jump at the opportunity to hold a baby, (sorry, mamas!) but I want a larger family… memories of family game nights & cooking together & caring for them & guiding my children to be lights in the world for HOPE in Jesus.)

BUT, it seems to be this is not God’s will for us now, if ever... & that was a hard reality to swallow.

Reasoning the Pain Away, Versus Leaning into God for Comfort & Wisdom

As I had mentioned in a previous blog post (here), although it was easy to convince myself why it’s so hard to be a parent & that I am blessed to be able to travel more readily, I learned that it was my way of trusting my reasoning more than leaning in to trust God with it.

And when I strip those reasonings away, I am left with seeing other families make those memories that I don’t get to make & feeling the threat of tears burning in the corners of my eyes. Because trusting in my own reasoning doesn’t actually help me erase the emotions behind the longing.

And sometimes, yes, I get tired explaining the complexity of it all & I just don’t want to explain my heart & my thoughts & everything in between.

I am just human. I don’t have all the answers to the ‘why’s’.

I am also not 100% faithful in trusting God’s plan.

Sometimes I want my plan instead.

The Joy

But I know that joy comes only when I am willing to understand that God is all-knowing & I am not. He knows me far better than I do myself because He created me. He KNOWS me. Joy comes in knowing that He wants good for me, & not harm. Joy comes in trusting Him more than I do myself.

But it took me a long time to get to that place with this subject (& I still struggle sometimes).

My Dreams

I mentioned before that ever since I read Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, back in 2006 or so, that I dreamed of reaching out to women with HOPE–Middle School girls, High School girls, College ladies, Moms, & women in general. (I even dreamed of, but never saw possible, the idea of running my own website where women could seek hope without judgment—my how God has answered THAT!!)

Well, taking that fact of having a passion to encourage & lead women with hope as the prequal, now enter my bitterness that I harbored for many years over a lack of a baby.

How do those two things work together? The dream… & the bitterness of no children?

Spiritual Fruitfulness

Last year, a Bible Study group I attended worked through a Beth Moore study called Breaking Free. One of the chapters was on “being fruitful.”

You can probably feel me tensing up then, after reading that day’s topic.

But to my surprise, it was not a chapter on the joys of motherhood & why every woman should want to have children because they are blessings from God.

This chapter was on spiritual fruitfulness & talked about the importance of replicating the hope & joy we have in Jesus around the world & to those around us.

God Fitting the Pieces Together Perfectly

Wow. Was that a humility check for me, because Beth Moore mentioned the little verse in Isaiah 54:1 that I had passed by so easily many times before, “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

And the same lines are repeated in Galatians 4:27.

With all of the many verses about the joys of parenthood & that children are God’s blessings to us, He does not neglect the longing, sad hearts of those like me, who can’t seem to have children.

He makes a point to tell us to “burst into song” & to “shout for joy” & to show us that He has not forgotten nor forsaken us in His “No.”

Mothers Pour Mostly into THEIR Children, But Barren Women Can Pour into the Lives of MANY MORE

Beth Moore’s point, in that chapter, was that women who are mothers have the responsibility to pour into their children, care for them, discipline them, & guide them in how to seek & follow after Jesus Christ.

But, women who are barren (or, childless, in my case), have the opportunity to “be fruitful in their faith” on a MUCH larger scale by either pouring into the lives of all children they are blessed to interact with, or by pouring into mothers so that those mothers are encouraged & edified to then pour into THEIR children.

Always Look to God’s Plan & Ask Him for It!

You see, when I keep my eyes on GOD’S PLAN over my own, I am opened up to see the bigger picture. I am opened up to the FACT that God has not forgotten me & that He has a greater plan for me than I have for myself. I am opened up to release my bitterness & embrace JOY.

Is it possible that He will still choose to give me children in some way? Yes.

Do I still look at the back of board game boxes & feel a tinge of sadness at the smiling faces of that laughing family depicted there? Yes.

But does God comfort & strengthen & re-focus me as I lean into Him in it? Most definitely YES.

God Knows You & God Knows Best… Always

But, in the meantime (& if that time never comes), I should strive to see God’s whole picture… That yes, I may never be blessed with children of my own, but I can use that childless time to pour into the hearts of other women so that they, in turn, can pour into the lives of their children.

God has not deprived me of my dream to be fruitful. He has opened the door for me to see my dream realized on a larger scale.

Taking me from 2006 in wanting to be an intentional light in the world & to pour into the lives of other females, to now, in learning of that unique opportunity I have been given in not being blessed with children of my own.

Taking me from my 2006 dream of running a website, where ladies could come & seek answers about hope in Christ anonymously & without judgment of peers or parents, to running my own website & blog & Facebook community, starting in 2018. Wow!

Show Grace… Even to Yourself…

I feel blessed. I feel sad sometimes. And it’s okay to have both. God is capable of filling in my gaps.

Show grace to others who may not understand your situation. Take time to educate them so they may be more sensitive to others who do not share their circumstances.

Show grace to others who DON’T WANT (or feel too exhausted or overwhelmed) to share their own situation which is different than yours. Sometimes it’s hard to explain & other times it is just plain hard. Give grace.

And show grace to yourself. You’re not meant to understand it all, but God does, so lean into Him. And when you’re just too tired to explain yourself for the hundredth time, don’t take it out on the hundredth person to ask. Take a deep breath & be polite & patient & be praying… either say, “can we talk about this another time?” or “I understand that you want to understand this, but I am not up to explaining it right now, please excuse me.” Or, ask God for the patience & calm to sit down with them & talk them through it & answer their questions.

God’s got you, so let Him shine hope through you. He never fails. Lean into Him & above all, trust Him more than you do yourself. It’s worth it one hundred percent of the time, always.

Coming Next Week

*Check back THIS Thursday for October’s SPECIAL FEATURE post!*

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement.

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Turning Leaf Set

This silver finish hammered metal necklace with matching earrings was inspired by the beautiful shapes of leaves (& look like dragonfly wings). *Matching Earrings not pictured, but included in set.*

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Almost the End to a New Beginning

Well, we are one “Pivot” moment away from finishing this series! That’s so hard to believe after these (including this one) 14 “Pivots” that we have walked through together.

A Different Sort of Autobiography

It has always been a dream of mine to write an “autobiography”, not of what amazing things I have accomplished or done, but what God has worked in my life that I never saw as possible from my human perspective.

Being given the opportunity to share all of these moments with you has been a pleasure, especially the reminders, even for myself, of all that God has done & is capable of doing in our lives as we lean into Him.

Maybe someday I will better edit all of these “Pivot” stories into that autobiography of sorts. I guess we will see where God leads!

Trouble in Paradise

But, for today, we are talking about a touchy (& freeing) topic.

It’s touchy because a lot of hurt often surrounds this topic, but it’s freeing knowing the right perspective of leaning into God above all else, whether things work out or not.

“Trouble in Paradise”, as I have titled it, is a story of God doing what I felt was the impossible… bridging the gap in marital (or relational) trouble.

In It Together

You see, after God had led every step of our dating relationship as we leaned into Him consistently for direction & answers (read more, here), we felt like our bond was unbreakable.

We were bound together by trust in Him & a friendship built on Him.

Nothing could shake us.

We had aired all of our “dirty laundry” by sharing our deepest shames & hurts & mistakes… but we were forgiven.

We had shared all of our quirks… but we were accepted.

We had faced hurt & struggle… but had prayed through it all… together.

After the “Happily Ever After”

But then we moved to Guam… 3 months after we were married.

And things weren’t as great anymore.

We started out strong, but between the stress of adjustment to life on the other side of the globe & Jamie working 12 hour shifts several days a week (& usually taking on extra shifts for co-workers), let’s just say that it began to take its toll on us.

I felt neglected. He felt over-worked & stretched thin.

I felt bored & restless. He felt exhausted & ready to crash.

I felt alone & in need of company. He felt over-stimulated & in need of alone time.

We felt placed on opposite ends of every spectrum, unable to bridge the divides that seemed to be getting wider every month.

Beginning to Feel the Strain… Pull Us Apart

Fights became easier. Disagreements & misunderstandings were more common. Emotions were high & needs were left unmet on both sides.

We were strained & frustrated & tired.

My needs became a burden on us both—not because he didn’t think they or I were important, but because after work, he had nothing left to give.

Personal Perceptions Are Often Deceptive

But I felt like he must think me & my needs unimportant because they were SO important to me & yet he still didn’t meet them.

And he felt like I was putting too much pressure on him because he was already exhausted from work every day.

We were disconnected & hurt.

We argued & fought & stormed off & shut doors more forcefully than necessary.

We hurt.

I found myself often crying alone, curled up on the floor of our bathroom, with the lights out.

What I Wanted

I had heard that marriage was hard, but I felt like I had lost my very best friend, just by getting married to him.

I wanted to leave him & go back to America & be with my family & friends.

I wanted the hurt to stop.

I was learning very clearly in that time the truth that our spouse is not meant to fulfill our needs.

Only God can do that.

It’s Not Like the Movies… But It’s So Much Better

But culture sings a different tune, one where our spouse, who probably wishes they actually could, can fulfill all of your dreams & make you the happiest person imaginable.

And we probably still want to do that, but realistically, we don’t have the power to do that.

We have our own fears, hurts, insecurities, weaknesses, trauma, shortcomings, failures, etc. & when you join two imperfect people, you’re obviously going to have an imperfect marriage.

So Much Freedom in Removing That Expectation!

And oh the burden we are freed from when we realize that being our spouse’s EVERYTHING is not our purpose or even in our ability.

And oh the freedom it GIVES our spouse to release them from that supposed expectation.

Then, How?

So how did we do it? How are we good friends & happily married after the battle wounds we received in that painful couple years?

Prayer.

That’s right… prayer.

But, I Didn’t Start There

But, like I said, I first resorted to balling up in figurative tears (Fun Fact: I can’t cry actual tears) & wanting to quit it all & run from the hurt.

I resorted to wanting to bail & start over at home with my family. I wanted to give up because I felt so unloved.

But Jamie still loved me terribly, & through the deep ache, I loved him just as much… so why weren’t we able to express that to each other?

My Ache Turned Into My Prayer

At the end of one of our arguments, I was laying in bed, with my back turned to Jamie… silently sobbing into the edge of my pillow, begging God for help & pouring out my heart to Him like I had done countless times before on the floor of our bathroom.

“God, why is this happening! Why do I feel like Jamie & I are so far apart?! How did we get here!? I miss him so much & I HATE that we’re always at odds with each other… but I feel like no matter what, we’re never on the same page… like he doesn’t ever care about me! I feel so alone & betrayed. I thought he loved me but he gets mad or frustrated when I even want to spend time with him & he just plays video games alone in his spare time, with his headphones on, like I am just a home accessory!! He used to make me feel like his whole world & now he barely even talks to me. I hate my life here. I hate what this job has taken from me… from us. I want him back but that seems impossible now. Too many things we can’t take back & too many misunderstandings & disagreements. I don’t even feel like I know him anymore… Like I have been tricked. Did he never really love me? How can he act so callously toward me? Help us. Show us the way back to each other. PLEASE. Help us. Help me. I don’t know how to get back to him anymore & I miss him so much. Please show me what to do.”

God’s Response… God’s Solution… Trust HIM

… “Ask him to pray with you.”

That was the simple thought the washed over my mind like a gentle breeze.

“Ask him to pray with you.”

But I didn’t want to.

Did Jamie even care? Did he even want us back? If he cared, he would have tried already. (So many insecurities rushed over my heart.)

“Ask Him to pray with you.”

FINE. But I don’t want to.

And When I Obeyed God’s Guiding, God Healed

“Jamie, we should pray.”

“Ok.”

And so he prayed a prayer that shocked & shook me & expressed all the love for me that I was afraid wasn’t there.

To paraphrase his prayer:

“God, I don’t know what to do. We can’t seem to get along. I love Michelle, but I am too tired. I am stretched thin at work & I just don’t have the energy to be what she needs me to be. It hurts that I don’t feel like I can help her & it’s frustrating. Help me know what to do. Please help her hurt. Amen.”

And then I prayed my hurt out loud, too.

And we both cried & we hugged each other & just clung on.

God Knew How

It ended up that we genuinely both wanted a solution but neither of us new how to make it happen, were doing the best we knew how, & had different expectations on what that should look like.

And when we started both turning to God, instead of ourselves or each other, as the solution, God started to shape us & guide us along a path to help us both care for each other.

We became more understanding of each other’s needs, while not trying to meet them in our own wisdom or understanding, but by God’s.

We began letting go of the expectations we had placed on the other person to meet our needs & started leaning into God instead.

And we began to heal.

Start Looking to God for the Answers

God was the glue that took our efforts & our understanding & all of our other limitations & acted as our bridge to cover the great divide for us.

We stopped looking inward to fulfill each other.

We stopped looking to each other to fulfill ourselves.

And we started looking to God, together.

He is our glue. He is our bridge. He is our wisdom & solution. He is our strength.

A Work in Progress, Led by Grace

Do we still have disagreements & misunderstandings & occasional bad attitudes that we really shouldn’t be taking out on each other but it’s far too easy to do? Yes.

But we know the way back now. PRAYER. Leaning into GOD.

And we’re learning to turn to God BEFORE it gets bad, knowing we will reach the end of our limitations far sooner.

We’re human & we mess up. We are learning, but we don’t always get it right.

But God is the solution to that, too… because He will never stop working on our hearts. He is always ready to give grace as we grow toward Him.

He is a Good, Good Father.

Shine Hope, by letting God be your glue… & your bridge… to healing.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Restoring Hope Necklace

This versatile necklace features mother of pearl in hues of black on one side & off-white on the other, hanging from an antiqued brass chain.

Artisan Information:

In Asia, poverty leads many women to be sexually exploited in brothels. These women want to provide for their families but have so few options. But through your purchase, women are being rescued from these brothels & rehabilitated. Holistic care is given to these women, including a shelter, job training, healthcare, counseling, & educational grants for themselves & their children. You can help these women experience restoration for their future!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Asia!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Not Cut & Paste

Today’s topic (& pretty much every week’s topic) is not meant to show you a cut & paste way to handle a situation. It is meant to show you how God guides us if we are striving to honor Him above our own feelings, fears, or desires… if we are obeying His way over our own.

Going Back Home

Nine years ago, right after I had graduated from Liberty University (how has it already been NINE years?!), I went back to live with my parents in Northern Virginia.

My parents had just paid my way through Liberty, upon the agreement that I kept my grades up (I graduated top twenty percent of the School of Business!) &, what was later told to me, they would not be helping to pay for any wedding that could potentially happen (I didn’t know this then, as I had no relationship to consider at the time).

Debt

BUT, I still had loads of debt… to them.

How? Because my parents had HELPED me pay health insurance & car insurance for those three years, on the agreement that I would eventually reimburse them once I got a full-time job.

So, a couple hundred dollars a month, for three years, minus some I had managed to pay along the way, left me with a hefty sum of debt.

AND, to help me out, my parents were graciously allowing me to move back home after graduation, at age 26. (If you missed last week’s post, I waited to go back to college.)

My “Buffer” Account

I did have a savings account, that served as a (gradually depleting) buffer that allowed me to still fill up my gas tank & be available for lunches with friends (or as an emergency fund in case I had to have work on my car or other such unexpected expense).

Trying to Re-Write My Reputation

Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the pressure was laid on pretty thick, by my parents, to pay them back quickly by getting a full-time job.

I had been a difficult teenager, one who was always trying to get out of extra work, so I can understand their feelings of mistrust & urgency for me to prove myself responsible & willing to pay them back without endless delay.

But God had been working in me. I had been allowing God to grow me & weed out some of my bad habits & bad attitudes, & I had no desire to string my parents along.

I wanted to please them & make them proud.

I wanted to be a responsible adult & I was eager to start work & change the world (that’s how I felt, anyway).

But bad reputations have a nasty way of sticking around, even after God has changed your heart & attitude.

Can anyone relate?

A Changed Woman

Anyway, eager to prove myself a changed woman & a responsible adult, I looked for a job.

But I was looking for a career, not a dead-end job.

I was eager to work with an outreach program or youth ministry for a church. I was ready to change lives & impact people with the hope I was learning more about each year.

I definitely also looked for jobs I didn’t care about as much, though, because I was so eager to pave the path for a new reputation. I wanted to pay off my debt quickly & ease the minds of my parents, by removing the financial burden of my debt to them.

But God had other plans.

He wanted to show me more about trusting in Him, even when the pressure is thick.

A Word from God

In reading my Bible, I came across this nagging little truth (at least, it nagged at me because the conviction hit me hard. I was NOT ready to hear these words!):

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
    when it is in your power to act.
Do not say to your neighbor,
    “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
    when you already have it with you.” (Proverbs 3:27-28)

You see, in keeping my little “buffer” savings account, while still owing a ton of money to my parents, God convicted my heart that I was essentially saying, “Come back tomorrow & I will give it to you”, when I already had it with me.

… AKA the exact thing God warns us NOT to do, in these verses.

A Chance to Obey

A choice had to be made in that moment.

Would I trust & obey God’s way of handling my situation? (AKA give my parents my savings account) … or was I going to hold on to fear & the comfort of being able to maintain the kind of life I was comfortable with, while waiting to repay them?

Too many times had I seen how things went way worse than I expected when doing them MY way, only to HAVE to try God’s way in the end & see it work out much better…

SO, I took out every penny of my savings account, (thus erasing any chance for impromptu dinners, lunches, coffee dates, movies, adventures with friends) & gave it directly to my parents, as a way to show them, THROUGH ACTION & not just words, that my dedication to repay them was sincere.

What Now?

And then, penniless, with just the full tank of gas that I had, I said “goodbye” to most of my social life.

(Adulthood was no longer seeming so appealing, haha.)

And… I prayed… A LOT.

I prayed for direction & peace & for my parents to see they could trust me… I prayed for a chance to move out & pay off debt & to GET A JOB.

I felt so untethered from the comforts I had always relied on & that led me to pray more than usual. I couldn’t just coast through this debt repayment anymore. I needed to make money to even just refill my gas tank next time!

So, I started (more) actively searching for a job… searching for ANY work to get me through to my next tank of gas (& those pesky bills) … babysitting, house-cleaning, mowing lawns, house-sitting, & whatever other oddball jobs I could manage to get.

Just Enough… Was Enough

Here is where I began to see that as I trust God (although, my human perspective still worried that I would miss bills & fail miserably) & lean fully into Him… He doesn’t leave us hanging.

While working my odd jobs, while also searching for a full-time job, I was earning just enough to scrape by.

I still gave ten percent of everything I earned as a tithe to God, through supporting my church.

Tithing When Barely Making It

Let me tell you, when you don’t even have money to ever go out to lunch with a friend because you are earning JUST enough to pay your current bills, fill up the gas tank, & pay the remainder to your parents for your debt, ten percent seems like SO MUCH MONEY!

But, again, I had seen how God has a purpose in every command He gives us & He promises to provide as we obey… SO, I trusted & obeyed, while giving ten percent of the precious little I had to the church.

And I am not telling you that to brag or to seem super righteous, but because God really does keep His promises to take care of our needs as we live in obedience & trust to His Word (the Bible).

Nothing Was Working the Way I Hoped, And Yet…

Listen to this… this is where it really got cool ….

Every full-time job opportunity fell through.

Every full-time job that seemed like a good potential, I felt a heavy wall block me from accepting it, as if God was saying, “nuh-uh… NO.” Even when I prayed for days afterward, hoping I could feel peace that never came.

I felt SO MUCH pressure from my parents’ even mild frustration (I am a people pleaser at heart) & I wanted SO BADLY to prove I meant it when I told them I wanted to get a job & pay them back & honor them in that way.

But ALL I HAD were oddball jobs.

I know, I know… These all seem like the opposite of “cool”….

Every Bill Paid ON TIME!

But, GUESS WHAT.

Every time a bill was coming dangerously close to being past-due, I would receive an unexpected call from either a friend of the family, a co-worker of my mom, or a friend of a friend who would somehow think to call me, & they would offer me another oddball job for some amount of time with some amount of money that they would offer….

AND Every single time, it would get paid to me DIRECTLY before my bill was past-due & be MORE than my bill was worth… enough to fill up my next tank of gas & chip off another tiny chunk of my debt (& still tithe).

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

HE Doesn’t Have Our Limitations

Girl, I want you to see that we serve a BIG God.

He is not bound by the limitations that we are bound by.

If we walk in trusting obedience to Him, He ALWAYS follows through & takes care of us.

Am I saying, “don’t take the job”? NO.

Am I saying to do it exactly how I did? NO.

I AM saying that, again, as we walk in trusting obedience to God’s Word & God’s leading on our hearts, He WILL be faithful to take care of our needs.

It may not always be comfortable (in fact, oftentimes it’s UNCOMFORTABLE, because it goes against our own understanding) or look the way we think it should or like we want it to, but we will see in those moments, that despite all that, God really did know BEST.

Oh, And One More Thing… Or Maybe Two

So, I urge you. I beg you. I challenge you, even… to trust Him.

Because He always knows what He’s doing, even when we are clueless.

And do you want to know the real kicker that gets me every time with this story?

Guess what, with those oddball jobs, over ONE Summer, I paid off my debt IN FULL.

Did I get to go to King’s Dominion with friends? No.

Did I get to go out for impromptu coffee or lunch dates with friends? No.

Was it comfortable never knowing if I could pay my next bill? No.

But, to see God work in the ways that He did AND allow me to pay off ALL OF IT during those oddball jobs… was the best Summer EVER.

*** Oh, & by the way… AFTER I paid off my debt to my parents, I got a job working for a small church in Alexandria, Virginia… where I met my husband. ***

God Always Knows

God ALWAYS knows what He’s doing, even when we’re just taking one step at a time & trusting Him with every part that we don’t understand. He always knows.

Shine hope, by trusting God first, last, & always.

Trust & obey & let Him lead by leaning into Him.

He’s got you.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

*Also pictured: Northern Lights Studs, also from India!*

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

We Interrupt This Program to Bring You…

Okay, so this isn’t normally how I run my blog, but I feel like it needs to be said now, today.

Today, we deviate from the pivots (those will probably resume next week).

Today, we let God take over for a message that I need reminding of every single day (added during editing… you’ll see why that’s important later).

God’s plans aren’t our plans.

Just Everyday Life

When the Bible says repeatedly, “And the people did what was right in their own eyes,” we often & easily think of it as revelry & outright sin.

But hold up, when you actually look up those references, where that phrase is written (go ahead & do a search online), sometimes it literally means just that, “the people did what was right in their own eyes,” when referring to just everyday life… No outright sin involved.

Even Well-Intentioned Christians… Like Me

So, do we do that, too? Do we live according to “what seems right in our own eyes”?

I would say a GIANT “yes” to that question.

EVEN, (now hear me on this), EVEN well-intentioned CHRISTIANS.

Gasp.

Even… ME (yes, I admit it).

Gasp.

Even… PASTORS.

*Faint*

Now, before you go thinking, “now wait just a cotton picking minute!” (where did that phrase even come from? haha)… but before you write me off, stick with me a minute & you’ll see what I mean.

But Wait! I Think I Know This One!

We, as humans, tend to take what we know & run with it, substituting a relationship with God, through the Holy Spirit, with our OWN knowledge of Scripture.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we need to study up on the Word of God, aka the BIBLE, because it is God’s Word to us. It is how He shows us who He is… His character, His will, His love, His GRACE.

BUT, we cannot study up & neglect a daily relationship with God, through prayer. Mostly because we will NEVER know it all. We are NOT God.

Satan Tries to Trick by Twisting Truth

Do you remember when, in Matthew 4 (I had to look up the reference) Satan tried to use Scripture to tempt Jesus, but because Jesus was God & also had a relationship with God the Father, He knew better & saw right through Satan’s manipulation & distortion of Truth?

Would you recognize it as a trick as easily as Jesus did?

We often think we do/will.

That Pesky Little “Lean Not on Your Own Understanding”

We tend to learn a whole lot & then proceed to lean on our OWN understanding (the exact OPPOSITE of what God tells us to do, in Proverbs 3 (again, Google is my friend).

Or, we tend to think KNOWING the Scripture (Bible) is the SAME as knowing how God wants to APPLY it at any given moment.

ESPECIALLY if one specific way worked for someone else, in accordance with God’s will… like, “oh okay, well we have THAT one figured out. No need to ask for God’s guidance & will for this situation because we already know!”

Some Things Are Solid

Now, yes, if it is “thou shalt not murder” (Exodus 20:13) or some other direct command, we don’t have to question God’s Word… but if it’s in applying a passage to our lives, God is a living, breathing God who is infinitely creative… In other words, it might be best to always be leaning into Him for His direction with HIS Word.

Abide in HIM

The vine & branches parable in the Bible (John 15) has been taking on fresh meaning to me lately as I realize just how EASY it is to rely on “doing what seems right in my own eyes.”

Unless we are ABIDING in Christ (there are about 30 references to that, in the Bible, according to my search), we are attempting to be a branch that is disconnected from the Vine (God), who just happens to be a branch that knows a whole lot ABOUT the Vine.

Fighting Back from What Seems Natural for the MORE That God Offers

I get it, we will never get it right 100% of the time, because acting based on what we think we see right in front of us seems SO EASY & SO NATURAL.

But God didn’t send us His Word so that we could read it & then go rogue.

God wants a relationship.

He wants to interact, guide, comfort, teach, grow, heal, & love us through this life.

He wants to do the heavy lifting while we dedicate our entire being to trusting our entire being to Him, His lead, His will, & His Vine-ness.

I Think I’m Okay, Though…

So, if you’re sitting there thinking, “I try very hard to please God & do good for Him, so I don’t think this message applies to me…” STOP.

Pray.

Ask God to reveal to you the areas where you ARE clinging to control (or “what seems right in your own eyes”), where you are relying on your “wisdom” instead of His… your perspective, instead of His… your way, instead of HIS.

Because I guarantee you this, there is AT LEAST one part where you have been fooled into thinking, “because I know this much, I am capable of doing this one on my own.”

Don’t let Satan keep you on the hamster wheel of false belief… false trust.

Run into Jesus’ welcoming, loving, COMPLETELY capable arms.

And STRIVE to live according to what IS right, in HIS eyes, through letting HIM take the lead of your life… through growing your relationship with Him, versus merely growing your knowledge base.

God Had Other Plans… & I Had No Idea

Today, this wasn’t my planned topic. I already wrote today’s blog (about “doing everything as if unto the Lord”), but I guess that topic will have to wait for next week.

At the beginning of this post, I said, “Okay, so this isn’t normally how I run my blog, but I feel like it needs to be said now, today.”

Honesty moment? I didn’t even know what “needed to be said” until the words fell out on the screen as I typed.

Scrap It & Walk Blind?

I felt a nudge, a wall, a hesitancy to continue my path, so I stopped & asked God why, so to speak.

And all I felt was that I should scrap that whole direction for today… all of the work I had already done… & just let Him talk. So, I erased my post & just starting typing what popped in my head, not knowing where it was headed.

Sometimes you have to let God interrupt your “regularly scheduled program” to let Him do what He wants instead.

In fact, every day of life should be about us stepping aside to let Him work His will through us… & we won’t know how to recognize the difference unless we stop to ask Him.

So ask Him.

Ask Him HOW

And if you have ZERO clue how to have that relationship with Him that I mentioned, start there. Ask Him to show you how to do it.

He is capable.

No one… I repeat… NO ONE is perfect at this… but “God gives grace to the humble” (written MANY times in the Bible!) & He “is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3).

So, ask Him.

Doing Pretty Good? Ask Him Anyway.

And if you think your relationship with Him is already pretty good… remember that EVERYONE is imperfect… EVERYONE has space to grow… EVERYONE relies on themselves at least sometimes.

So, ask Him.

Shine Hope by growing a living relationship with a living God & letting Him be the boss, always.

Coming Next Week

This week, on Thursday, is our monthly Special Feature Post, so stay tuned!

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Iris Earrings

Iridescent pink crystal beads sway on these golden teardrop hoops.

Artisan Information:

In Peru, rural citizens have been affected by extreme poverty & guerrilla warfare. Women are affected the worst as their husbands generally leave them in search of work. Many are unable to get the basic needs of food, shelter, & clothing. But with every purchase of this product, women are finding hope & an income by hand making this beautiful product. Because of you, these family businesses are now empowering the next generation!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Peru!

(*Also Pictured: Worthy Necklace from India!*)

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

God Will Continue to Work

Well, we’re nearing the end of my pivotal moments series (for now). I know God will continue to shape me & continue to shake up my normal for His truth.

Trusting God AND Ourselves… Versus Just God

Today, we are following last week’s topic about trusting God through our struggles instead of coming up with our own solutions that, in turn, create new problems. (Like trusting in singleness & then panicking when God brings a relationship into your damaged heart life.)

It’s far too easy to try trusting God AND our own solution, versus JUST trusting GOD.

We tend to think the two are the same thing. Saying to ourselves & others, “I prayed (therefore, “trusting God”), but then I will do what I think will fix it versus waiting for His solution.”

So, it warrants a discussion about praying our way through fears, & trusting God, when we’re tempted to rely on our own strategy, “wisdom,” fears, etc.

(To read our Love Story, in short story form, check them out by clicking Part 1 & Part 2.)

But How?

But how does God answer our prayers? What does “trusting God only” even mean? How do we know what He wants when it’s different than what we want? How do you hear God’s answers? How do you even know His will if you can’t HEAR Him?

Those types of questions are so common & I have thought ALL of them. I still don’t have a comprehensive understanding of how God works & will probably always have something to learn when it comes to the answers to those questions.

But God oftentimes (pretty much exclusively) leads us with baby steps, versus dumping all of His infinite knowledge on us all at once.

Remember, He is an INFINITE God.

We, on the contrary, are FINITE.

But, baby steps.

So, when my now husband, Jamie, entered my life, I first panicked, then prayed.

Unbeknownst to Me

But unbeknownst to me, Jamie was already praying… & not about wanting a relationship with me.

He was ALSO praying to avoid another heartache.

But God kept nudging him… to me.

He kept avoiding… kept praying to stay single… but God would not let him ignore me.

It wasn’t a push to get married, just an undeniable push to befriend me.

This obviously clashed with my desire to avoid him at all costs, haha. Thanks, God.

And when I could no longer avoid him, upon him asking me on our first date, I finally had to stop running & start praying.

Praying My Desire Versus Praying to Trust God’s Plan

Now, let’s be clear that I HAD been praying the whole time… but not for God’s will, wisdom, & direction… but for me to stay single (what I thought I wanted aka what I thought would keep me safest from heartbreak).

And now, I had to make a clear decision & I had to ask God’s will & guidance & HELP. I had to be willing to trust God with both scenarios of relationship or singlehood, not just singlehood.

My Prayer

But then God whispered on my heart, “Do you remember what you have been praying these last few years?”

I did. It went something like, “God, help me to trust Your plan & not just the fears or perceptions I see in front of me. Help me to see that if I marry, you are wanting me to marry a man that will grow into the man I need, versus someone perfectly fit right now. Help me to see Your will above my own. Help me to not judge someone based on their NOW, versus Your potential within them. If I marry, Lord, help it be someone who is willing to let me down in order to follow YOUR LEAD. Because You know far better what’s best for me than I do. And, Lord, because I will no longer flirt or “help things along”, I will go on at least ONE date with a man willing to ask me out when I have shown zero interest… knowing how much courage that takes. Amen.”

Well, now a guy was asking me out & I had to put my faith to the test.

I had prayed those things more than I could count. And now was my opportunity to trust God’s answer & His willingness to lead me every step.

And He did.

(But I still freaked out & panicked & wanted to bail along the way, because fear is quite a motivator.)

Ask Anyway…

But for those of you who have those questions of how God could even help… & so avoid asking God for help in those moments, wondering what God could possibly do that you haven’t already tried yourself (sounds arrogant & completely ridiculous just writing it, doesn’t it?… but isn’t that what we sort of feel, if we’re completely honest with ourselves?)… I want to share my journey & what God did for me in the midst of my questions.

My pastor friend told me many times while dating my now husband, “God is not a God of confusion. If you want answers & you seek Him for those answers, He WILL answer you… you just need to wait on God’s timing for those answers & trust that HE is capable.”

Waiting on God for Every Step, Like a Daughter Dancing on Her Father’s Feet

And so, despite my inner rebel telling me to flee the scene & not risk another heartbreak, I kept praying & I took those baby steps, waiting on God’s timing & God’s answers instead of trusting my own fear & worry.

Here are some ways I prayed & ways that God answered me along the way:

(HINT: God is an infinite God. What He guides me through is not a cut & paste testimony, but rather an EXAMPLE of how personal God is with us, when we let Him. Don’t rely on how God led ME in lieu of letting Him lead YOU. What worked for me may not work for you. You have to take steps of trusting Him with your own situation. He will guide you!)

1. Praying Before We Even Met

As I mentioned before, it’s important to be praying beforehand so you are prepared to follow & listen to God when you DO meet. Pray for discernment, peace, wisdom, trust to follow God whether in singleness or marriage… & anything else that comes to mind or worries you.

But, if you’re already in a relationship, it’s never too late to start.

2. Pray, Willing to Give It Up If It’s Not God’s Guiding

Along the way, I prayed for God to guide me… for Him to kick me out of the dating relationship, with completely clear certainty, if it wasn’t His best for us. (I was sort of hoping He would kick me out of it so the risk of heartbreak would evaporate with it.)

I prayed not to cling, not to romanticize, not to make anything more than it was. I prayed for God’s perspective to overshadow my own. I prayed to be willing to allow His will to trump mine.

3. Praying for Perspective When You Meet

I knew I was a daydreamer, wrapped up in every new possibility….

And I felt God nudging my heart in a very specific way during the beginning of my time with Jamie, “Michelle, you fall head over heels immediately when a guy holds your hand & holds you in long, comforting hugs… & if you really want to stay objective to knowing My will, you know you need to avoid physical affection because that’s a personal weakness & trigger for you.”

And so, I set strict physical contact boundaries for our dating relationship. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, no arms around the shoulder… & no sex. And I stuck to it.

I wanted to know Jamie for who he was, not for how he made me feel. Feelings change. I wanted more than temporary, unreliable feelings.

4. Praying Over Character/Personality & Whether It Was a Good Match with How God Designed Me

Clashes happen a lot in marriage, even when you’re “a good fit for each other.”

God had shown me different character traits that were important to me along the way, such as being willing to displease me in order to obey God… Or someone who was a kind & gentle listener, seeking to understand & discuss, versus brush off… Someone who, even with flaws & weaknesses, sought to know & love God more… not to just be a “good enough person.”

I prayed often over very specific things, asking God to show me if Jamie at least had that potential &/or willingness to grow… WITHOUT me prompting it… (& that is an important distinction)! If he knew I felt I needed certain traits & he liked me, don’t you think he would do his best to be that for me? But no, I wanted to hear it from God, not Jamie… so I never once hinted at my hopes.

My prayers were silent, between me & God only.

And every prayer resulted in Jamie telling me something like this the next day or so, “I don’t know why, because this seems really random to talk about, but I feel like telling you this story about one time when [enter a story about said character trait that I had recently prayed about here] happened.”

Blew my mind every time, but God was constantly finding ways to reaffirm His guidance in our relationship, because I was diligently seeking His will first.

5. I Set Boundaries of Potential Relationship Timing & PRAYED

After pouring out my heart to Jamie, after our very first date, expressing all of my fears & concerns, I asked him to wait THREE months before even considering asking to make it an official relationship. Friends only–no relationship talk, no romance, nothing. Just friends–for three MONTHS.

And I prayed & asked God for His wisdom & guidance & timing & I didn’t even dare try to “help it along” … I just waited on God.

Coupling with my desire to be with a man willing to disappoint me in order to obey God’s leading, I asked God to have Jamie go against my three-month request in order to ONLY trust God, even at the risk of scaring me away for good. I asked for God to push Jamie to ask me before the end of three WEEKS’ time.

And I didn’t ONCE even HINT that I was praying that as a confirmation from God. Not once.

And guess what… On December 31^st, mere hours before the three week time frame was over, Jamie spoke up… “Michelle, I have been praying like you asked me to, for God’s will & timing versus my feelings & I got my answer a couple days ago, but have continued praying & continued waiting because you told me not to even bring it up until three months, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am supposed to tell you now. I have been battling it all day & praying it away because I am terrified of scaring you away, but I feel like God wants me to say it now, so I need to say it now. I feel like God wants me to ask you out today. Will you agree to an official relationship? Will you be my girlfriend?”

If you are imagining a cartoon where the person’s jaw literally hits the floor, you are imagining pretty closely to how I felt in that exact moment.

I prayed. I waited. God answered.

God Is Infinite… God Is Infinitely Creative… God ANSWERS

As I said before, God is infinite & infinitely creative. The way He works through my life is not the same as how He will choose to move, through prayer, in your own life.

This story is meant to prompt you to PRAY… to seek God alone… To trust that HE knows what He’s doing & He CAN & WILL guide you & give you wisdom as you seek Him.

Trust Him, always… It’s ALWAYS worth it.

And when you don’t feel like you even know how to begin trusting Him… Start there… Ask Him to help you know how to trust Him. He will, my friend. He will.

Shine HOPE, by praying through the fears & unknowns (which are often the same thing).

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Brave Necklace

With hand-rolled cereal box beads, Haitian clay beads, and paired with suede tan cording, this staple necklace is perfect for any wardrobe.

Artisan Information:

Haiti is home to almost 500,000 orphans. The majority of these orphans have not been orphaned by parental deaths, but by parents who gave them up simply because they could not afford to feed them. No mother should have to give up her child. Through your purchase, you provide parents with a sustainable income, so they can keep their children! Be a part of families stepping into bright futures together!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Haiti!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

A Love Story

On this journey of pivotal moments in my life, where God helped me do a one hundred eighty degree turn around from my personal wisdom to trusting His, I cannot neglect talking about finding my husband God’s way.

I wrote about our love story in a two-part short story, so if you like reading love stories, check those out, by clicking each of the two links for A Love Story & A Love Story-Part 2.

Answered Prayers

But today, I want to talk to you about how God answered many prayers of mine along the path of meeting the man I now call my husband.

I am like many who will read this, I prayed for a good husband—someone who would love me forever & be loyal & be an understanding listener—but I just sort of expected to make my own decision, know immediately, fall in love, & get married.

But God doesn’t always work like that. Our understanding is limited, His is limitless. Sometimes (it should be always), we have to hold on in faith through the journey.

Scared of the Unknown

After falling in love out of high school, & then having to break his heart & my own to walk away, I was quite wary of the idea of believing in love again.

I didn’t want to let myself fall, only to have my heart or his broken.

I didn’t want to trust in a happily ever after that never came.

I didn’t want to trust in love, only to have that love walk out the door.

I didn’t want to wake up someday, only to be dreaming of some other man as the, “if only I had waited, & then I could have married this dream boat.”

I didn’t want a husband who had that happen to him.

I didn’t want depression or injury to push him into the arms of another woman.

Wrestling Insecurities

I also had my internal wheel of insecurities to wrestle with, still:

“I am too fat & ugly to maintain a loyal, loving man.”

“I talk too much & once a guy sees that, he will be looking for an out.”

“I struggle with depression at times, & that makes me less desirable.”

And the list went on.

In other words, I was scared to let myself love anyone. The cost seemed too high & the risk too great.

I Do… But I Don’t…

So, when I prayed, after losing my first love, my prayers were more like “Lord, I really want to fall in love & get married, but at the same time, I really, really don’t.”

So, I rested from dating, still praying for God’s wisdom & guidance (& healing of my broken heart).

I also read “When God Writes Your Love Story,” by Eric & Leslie Ludy, a book my Mom had gifted me as a teenager, at which I had rolled my eyes & shoved on a shelf, to be ignored every day since. But now, it seemed like a beacon of hope.

His Way Now

I no longer wanted relationships based on how much flirting I could do or how perfect I could make myself seem—a perfect listener, ALWAYS there for ANYTHING, always charming & flirtatious & trying eternally to be simply perfect in every way.

I was tired of the charade.

I was tired of heartbreak.

I was tired of all the fears.

I was ready to try GOD’S WAY because MY WAY was certainly NOT WORKING.

And so, I prayed, A LOT… & I read that book, inspired to try God’s way now.

Baby Steps… No Flirting (or Hinting) Allowed

The journey of trusting God instead of me, when it came to relationships, began to take a step in the right direction when I made a male friend at college, a couple years later.

You see, we started out as friends, but as it seems typical with friends of the opposite sex, one of us developed feelings for the other (hint, it was me).

But I wanted God’s way. I wanted to look back in marriage & KNOW that I didn’t manipulate the results & thus worry whether if I failed to keep up the charade, he would lose interest & leave me. I wanted God’s way instead.

So, I prayed instead of flirting.

Clinging to Prayer Versus Manipulation of Results

I stepped away from trying to impress a guy enough or be likeable or flirtatious enough to get noticed, & I started praying instead.

I asked God that if it was His will to be with this guy, that the guy would make the first move instead of me.

I didn’t flirt.

I didn’t hint at anything.

I didn’t talk about it in such a way that he might THINK I was interested, without actually SAYING I’m interested, so that he would be nudged to think it was possible if he would just get the guts to ask me already! (We girls NEVER do that, right? Cough cough.)

No, I kept it as friends & never assumed it would ever change & I never implied to him that I wanted anything different, EVER.

And when I wanted DESPERATELY to help things along, I cried out of frustration & just prayed, A LOT for the discipline to keep my big mouth SHUT.

And I prayed for God’s will over my own. (I also prayed to remember that God’s will was better than my own & to trust that when I wanted to cave & run into my friend’s arms for a Michelle Written Love Story!)

Nothing… & Still I Trusted in God Over Myself… For Once in Relationships

And guess what… the friend NEVER ONCE made a move… & I managed (through God’s power alone), to keep my big mouth shut.

And we stayed friends… & he since got married… & I adore his now wife.

I am SO GRATEFUL that we both clung to God instead of each other, because we can stay friends with no awkward past!

God ALWAYS knows best, even when we are absolutely convinced that we do!

But that also left me single.

Meeting an Encourager

So, I kept praying & I had the chance to meet with my Aunt, who had lost her love many years ago & who had run into the arms of Jesus as a result of her deep hurt.

She encouraged me so much, just seeing the peace & assurance that flowed through her words & her life. She had such inner strength, that you could tell flowed from her deep trust in God over herself or her circumstances.

She traveled the world, as a summer missionary to several locations, from which she would rotate each summer.

She inspired me. She showed me what I life of single-hood could offer—a life so in love & so in touch with God’s guidance, peace, strength, & wisdom that seemed to flow through every aspect of her personality & life & encouraged everyone around her.

A Holy Distraction

I decided then that a speaker I had heard at Liberty University was right, “Marriage is a holy distraction. Yes, it is a blessing ordained by God, but He also says that if we can manage it, a life devoted to God is so much more fulfilling. With a family, you are distracted often from deepening your own knowledge of & relationship with God because you are hopefully dedicated to encouraging those things in your family & expending your energy & focus on them instead of God quite frequently. Not bad, but still, “a holy distraction.””

I no longer rolled my eyes at or recoiled at the idea of singlehood.

I actually wanted it!

So, then came the next step in trusting God with relationships—giving up that idea of singleness… but that will have to wait for next week.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

Share with friends & Subscribe by Joining My Tribe, so you never miss a week!

A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Change Earrings

Silver hammered hoops feature coral and turquoise-toned beads wrapped in a fun color-blocked pattern. Crafted in Pakistan.

Artisan Information:

In this area of Pakistan, women are often sold as bond slaves due to family debt. Education & work opportunities are limited for women in this country, as their lives are oppressed because of their gender. Through your purchase, these women are being freed from bondage. They can now make a self-reliant income, while also receiving reading & writing classes. You can bring hope to women in Pakistan!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in Pakistan!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Hold Up

I was reminded, upon completing last week’s post about “Falling in Love, Heartbreak, & Learning to Trust God’s Plan,” that I neglected to mention a special pivotal moment of discovering who God made me to be, despite who I thought I was already.

Shaping Our Identity

Growing up, we all sort of grow to believe who we think we are, based on what our parents or others say about us or based upon stereotypes that the world presents to us.

We form our idea of “self” based on so many different internal & external factors: our desires, our fears, our insecurities, our successes, our failures, our wants & the way others view us or talk about us (among many other things).

We also create habits of self-protection to either save face or prevent a future hurt.

Insecure & Unsatisfied

For me, I grew up severely insecure about my appearance—so much so that I would shower with a t-shirt on & was afraid to see my face in the mirror because I was too afraid to look at myself.

I saw myself as unlovable & disgusting.

But, in my late teens/early twenties, I was determined not to stay stuck in a place of self-loathing because, like so many of us, I just desperately wanted to feel like I was worthy to be loved by someone.

I Had a Plan… A Plan That Backfired

So, instead of praying about it, I created a self-protection technique to help me get attention (which I thought was basically proof that I could be wanted & therefore, loved.

Besides deciding to shower in a t-shirt & avoid mirrors, I also self-protected by deciding to dress in a way that drew attention to my “assets” by wearing low-cut shirts & short shorts.

I thought attention to my body was the same as attention to me. (I was wrong.)

And, to top it off, I grew accustomed to speaking in such a way that way that each sentence was dripping with innuendos & flirtatious banter.

I taught myself how to make anything into a dirty joke because it proved effective in getting that attention I craved.

When I admitted to being a virgin at the time, people actually laughed heartily because I was so convincing to the contrary. I was proud of that (but a little hurt).

Getting Attention… But Something Felt Off

Perfecting the role I had assumed, I made more friends & got loads more attention.

I thought it was great. I enjoyed the power trip & the confidence that came with it.

But something just felt off.

The attention I was getting made me feel objectified more than loved or cared for. It made me feel icky.

Maintaining the Façade

I felt like I had to maintain this persona in order to feel worth anyone’s time or attention, but sometimes I just didn’t feel like I was being authentic… Like I was keeping up an act in order to stay appealing.

I guess that’s why my heart cries out toward actors & singers & other celebrities. Maintaining an air of perfect “I get along with EVERYbody ALL the time,” is just hard & quite frankly unattainable.

Everyone deserves an opportunity to just wear a messy bun, sweatpants, talk about things that aren’t as “appealing” to others, & just be real. No one is perfect. No one.

But I tried to be. I got pretty good at reading people & would adjust my personality or talk to make myself more appealing. I wanted to be liked & loved.

But like I said, it wore on me. I felt tired of keeping up this image.

I wanted to just slice through the fake efforts, just be myself & have that be enough for someone.

Who Am I If Not This?

But the biggest problem was, I didn’t know who I actually was without this personality I had invented.

I didn’t know how many friends I would have left if I didn’t keep up this image… this act.

I didn’t want to risk losing everyone… my circle… my net… my support.

I didn’t want to be alone.

I didn’t want to be unwanted.

So, I kept it up & dug in deeper to this image of confidence I portrayed to the world.

Unwanted Wanting

Guy friends ended up taking more “liberties” with me than I felt comfortable, but I was too worried about seeming insecure, about breaking the mirage I tried so hard to maintain.

And by the time it broke my heart enough (& with the supportive help of a good friend coaching me through it (Thank You, JD!), when I finally started standing up for myself… they got aggressive about it.

I was sexually assaulted by several friends, several times.

I was starting to realize that I no longer wanted so much attention.

I started to hate my persona.

I started to hate who I had become. Who I thought I was.

I felt so afraid because I didn’t know if that really was me, & if it wasn’t, I didn’t know who I was. I was afraid to lose everyone.

Finally… I Prayed

I was afraid that if I let the façade slip… if I faced depression again… if I didn’t try hard to be so loyal & friendly & a great listener & flirtatious & on & on & on, then any guy I dated would just walk away.

But I couldn’t keep the mask on forever.

So, I started to finally pray.

“God, I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel like I have any value. I feel unlovable. I don’t feel like I am special or desirable. I am afraid of being alone & unloved. I am afraid of being so ugly & not feeling like I have anything else to make anyone think twice about me. I don’t know who I am outside of this. This feels like me. It comes so naturally to me… but something about it hurts… Like I have to ALWAYS be this way in order to keep anyone around. God, I feel like this is me, but I guess You made me, so I guess if anyone knows who I am meant to be, it’s You. Show me YOUR potential for me. Show me YOUR design. Show me who YOU created me to be. And help me to trust You if I lose everything in the process. Please help me!!”

It was a scary & difficult prayer to pray, but I prayed it so many times I lost count.

I Wanted God’s Way… I Didn’t Want to Feel Used & Fake Anymore

I was desperate to feel like there was more to me than this fake girl who always had to make everyone happy 100% of the time & drew in people who took advantage of me just to feel like I had some worth.

God had to know. And I needed to know.

I needed to find me… His way… His plan… His design.

And guess what, Beautiful, He began to show me.

God Makes All Things New

Slowly, gradually, the fake flirtatious persona began to fade away as opportunities for dirty jokes would come up & just seem to be unappealing… I would just feel disgusted, like, “No, I am worth more than that. I don’t have to make people think about sex in order to be valued.”

It was a hard road & I ended up stepping away from several friendship circles, but I suddenly didn’t care so much.

I felt confident & free. I felt like I was finally myself (& I was finally okay with that!)

Who Do You Let Define YOU?

You see, it’s easy to let the world define us.

It’s easy to let our past define us.

It’s easy to let our inner cut-downs define us.

But we need to learn to let GOD define us.

God created you, Beautiful… & He doesn’t make mistakes.

God MADE You

Maybe you don’t measure up to what your parents, siblings, family, friends, or to what the world thinks you should be: prettier, smarter, thinner, more fashionable, more fit, more creative, less creative, blonder, darker, lighter, taller, shorter, curlier hair, straighter hair, etc….

But GOD MADE YOU.

We try to fashion ourselves into the niche we feel we belong based on the facts we believe about ourselves or what we believe others want from us…

But GOD MADE YOU.

Lean into Him. Ask Him. Ask Him to show you His design for you.

And don’t be satisfied to stop praying until you see Him begin to shape you & change you from the inside out… an inner confidence based on His design & your worth based on His love & care for you.

GOD MADE YOU.

Take Your Presuppositions & Pray About Them

And I can tell you from personal experience, that if you take your presuppositions & assumptions about who you think you are or who you think you have to be or are supposed to be… & you take that to Him in prayer, to trade it for HIS DESIGN instead… You will NOT be disappointed.

In fact, you will finally feel like YOU.

Imagine that!

Trust Him always, Darling. He loves you infinitely & He doesn’t make mistakes, no matter what anyone says about you (or no matter what you say to yourself—stop that inner self-hate dialogue!)

Trust Him. Always. Trust His DESIGN.

Shine Hope by being your beautiful, God-designed SELF!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement, & to follow along on my journey through the major pivotal moments that helped shape my faith & helped me trust God more & more.

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A Note from Michelle:

If you would like to hear more of my story, check out the “About Me” page. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” page, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox, along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Weekly Special Spotlight:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Chelsie Necklace

This curved bar necklace features gold & rose gold tones. Hanging from a gold colored chain, this piece was named after one of our co-founders because of her golden & modern style, along with her passion for using sustainable business to end poverty.

Artisan Information:

The women we partner with in India do so much more than just create beautiful products. With every purchase, another woman is empowered out of poverty to be self-reliant! Women have the opportunity to earn an income, attend financial management classes, & receive education & healthcare. These women are now able to give their family a promising future because of your purchase!

Purchase this piece & empower a woman in India!

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michelle@michellehydeonline.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!