God Is So Patient with Me

In every season of my life, God has patiently led me & taught me. It wasn’t an all-at-once type thing, but a gentle pruning & guiding of my heart, led by His love, faithfulness, & graciousness.

Sure, there have been seasons where I thought it up to me to figure things out for myself, causing way more heartache, pain, & trouble than necessary… I’m a slow learner in this regard… but every step of the way, God has proven Himself to be gentle, forgiving, & faithful.

Little Girl Dreams

When I was a little girl, I played dolls with my sister. We daydreamed about our idyllic future adult life.

We would get married, obviously… have kids, duh… & live together in a giant mansion where she owned one half & I owned the other with our respective families… & our stable full of enough horses for us & friends. OF COURSE…. (NOTE: Now that I am actually an adult… cleaning a mansion seems the last of my desires… I MUCH prefer a small home that is cozy & easy to manage, but I digress.)

God Had Other Plans… & I Didn’t Understand

Well, God didn’t quite take notes from my little kid dreams.

My younger sister & most of my younger friends got married before I did. I didn’t actually get married until just before I hit 30, but pre-30, I thought my chances weren’t looking too great.

And then, there’s the topic of children….

The first year of marriage, we waited to have kids.

The second year became full of hope & dreams of parenthood & of rounding out our new family with little ones to raise together.

Then the third year….

Then the fourth….

Then we were in Hokkaido, Japan, caught up to our previous chapter.

The Tests… the Prodding… the Supplements… the Charting…

I started seeing a doctor. Had embarrassing/awkward scans done, was told everything looked healthy: all inner reproductive parts were considered to be healthy shapes, healthy sizes, healthy placements, & my hormone levels looked in a good range.

I was “prime condition” for having babies as far as no organs being damaged or deformed or anything else being wrong to prevent pregnancy. The doctors all agreed I should have no trouble getting pregnant. My hubs even got checked out & he got a good report as well.

We were all set then! But just to help things, I started taking herbal supplements to help my body along. Then there were the temperature charting & ovulation tests galore.

6 Childless Years Passed…

None of it seemed to matter as year 3 moved to year 4 & then 5 & then 6… with no children.

Honestly, the monthly tests I got done at the doctor’s office & the supplements & the charting & the ovulation tests & the glowing reports that seemed to mean absolutely nothing…. Disheartening was an understatement.

There went my little girl dreams.

Was It All My Fault? Was God Punishing Me?

But beyond that, I felt like God was punishing me.

Punishing me for trusting in Him since I was 5 & not living up to being good enough to deserve it… like an ungrateful, selfish child who lives for herself.

Then there’s the whole history with depression. How could I raise kids when some seasons of my life… I couldn’t even take care of myself. I felt unfit completely.

I felt like this was my price. I hadn’t earned well enough being a mother.

And I felt like a disappointment to a husband who really dreamed of being a father.

I felt inadequate in so many different ways.

Raised Hopes! … Dashed Hopes

And then there was all the measures I was taking & all of it meaning nothing in the end. All the raised hopes at following all of my charting & all the rules & suggestions, being late… & then not… again.

Raised hopes! Dashed hopes. Raised hopes! Dashed hopes. Raised hopes! Dashed hopes…. That was the pattern that just kept repeating itself over & over & over again every month.

I prayed about it all those years but never got any clear answer, so I thought it was just ME. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t GOOD enough.

If this is you right now, in any of it. I get it. It hurts. A lot.

And it hurt a lot for a long time.

I Determined to Let God Decide

And then, through God’s open doors, starting year 6 of our marriage… we moved to Misawa, Japan. This time, near fellow Americans (aka ENGLISH speakers).

By then, it had been over a year since any doctor visits or tests or charts or anything. I had determined that if God wanted us to have kids, HE would make it happen in HIS timing, & if not, well then… not. Emotionally, I couldn’t deal with any more tests.

But… deep down… the longer that “NOT” lasted, the more I blamed our childlessness on myself for not being good enough… for not being deserving enough.

But Then…

While we were living in Misawa, I made the decision to join the Ladies’ Bible Study on base. We were not attending the chapel services, but were attending a little church whose body of believers has become so dear to me… but having fellowship with other ladies who could encourage & edify me was something I was very malnourished of in my soul, so I also attended the base chapel ladies’ activities.

In one Bible study with that ladies group, we went through “Breaking Free,” by Beth Moore & God used this study to TRANSFORM my views on having children. (You can find the link to that study, as well as other studies/books/recommendations that have personally had a strong influence in my life on my website @ www.michellehydeonline.com/recommended-by-michelle/.)

Basically, when the author begins the chapter on having children, I was bracing myself for the typical: “children are a gift of the Lord,” “motherhood is such a blessing,” etc. Talks that I see written in so many books to women.

But she went in a different direction with this, addressing even the BARREN WOMEN (aka those unable to have children).

Seeing It from a New Perspective

Beth talked about how, in the Bible, Elizabeth, in one sentence, was described as BOTH righteous AND barren (aka, being barren is not automatically equated with God thinking you don’t deserve it or with punishment).

“And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren….” (Luke 1:6-7)

Beth Moore also mentioned something I had never taken notice of before… that when the Old Testament (aka BEFORE JESUS) talked about “being fruitful & multiplying,” it was literally referring to filling the earth with children (Genesis 1:28), but when the New Testament references fruitfulness, it focuses more on duplicating your faith… sharing the hope we have in Jesus with everyone around us.

What Was My WHY?

In my praying & longing for children all those years, some constant that emerged was my WHY. WHY did I want kids so badly?

Well, 1. Because I just took for granted that it was the next step of life for a woman… 2. Because I wanted reassurance that God wasn’t withholding because I wasn’t good enough to deserve it… 3. Because of dreams of board game nights & intentionally walking beside my children to raise them in how to trust their all to Jesus in every season of life—hard, very hard, or wonderful.

God Has a Perfect Plan

And when I got to that chapter of that study… Beth’s words snapped all of my perspective to the weightiness of God’s extreme GOODNESS.

God was not denying me my dream. God was not depriving me. God was not punishing me. God wasn’t withholding because of my lack of deserving (because really, despite my not being enough—HE IS).

No, God was blessing me with the EXACT thing I longed so much for, but on a MUCH larger scale!

To Edify & to Encourage… So That THEY May Edify & Encourage

When Beth went deeper into this point, she talked about how mothers, their main focus & responsibility is poured into their children & raising them to honor & love the LORD God. But, with a barren woman, she has the opportunity & blessing of pouring into all of those MOTHERS, so that they are edified (built up) & encouraged (refreshed) to THEN pour that into the lives of THEIR children! … to bear much fruit & multiply faith in Jesus Christ!

Because I am not “in the trenches” of motherhood, I can come alongside those who feel discouraged or beaten up by life. I can remind them of Whose they are & where their hope can be found. I can point to Him as our hope in all things, living as a testimony in the dark, hard seasons of life… that even there, God’s hope can shine.

I am not deprived by my lack of children. I am honored with this gift to share with all of you & to be a display of His glory & goodness in your lives each week through every season of my life—even in the hard & even when it’s all my fault.

How Great Is Our God!

A grace-filled life indeed! Undeserving but loved by an ever-faithful, gentle, all-powerful, caring God. Not because I am worthy, but because He is enough for me even in my unworthiness.

What are you insisting you need that you may need to entrust to a God Who knows you better than you do & Who sees your future with perfect clarity?

Where is heartache eating away at you? Do you blame yourself? Do you blame God?

What do you need to take to Him & trust Him with come what may?

Shine HOPE by taking those hard questions to God & leaning into Him no matter His answer.

“Rejoice, O barren,
You who do not bear!
Break forth and shout,
You who are not in labor!
For the desolate has many more children
Than she who has a husband.” (Galatians 4:27)

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Meadow Basket Set (India)

These woven baskets are a fun and decorative way to highlight your favorite potted plant or organize other essentials.

*****Every purchase supports families in areas of extreme poverty in India.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Our Next Adventure Together

Coming through the darkness I walked through during my time on Guam (Chapter 17), my husband & I were led (through praying for God’s direction) to Hokkaido, Japan as the next step in our married journey.

I was full of hope in this new adventure, but also full of nerves in facing the unexpected & unknown. This was not a location near any American military bases. This was a place where very little English was spoken.

When we were new to Japan, we would watch a video blog of this guy who had also moved to Japan from abroad & one thing he said really proved to be true: “Culture shock comes in waves.”

You think it’s going to be the initial shock of adjustment, but the amount of adjusting has unforeseen layers upon layers that become unearthed over time as new scenarios present themselves in your day-to-day life.

Beautiful Adventure, Great Friends, But Oh So Isolated

I thought I knew hard after my time on Guam in 2012-2015 because the loneliness I experienced those 3 years was unlike anything I had ever known, but I really had no idea what hard was until we moved to Japan, where I really was mostly isolated a majority of my time there, even in small things like making small talk or being friendly with a cashier… they didn’t understand me & I didn’t understand them.

This is not to say that our time there wasn’t a wonderful adventure, full of so many happy memories & discovering newness so often around us every day… not to mention the friendships we did eventually make.

It was exciting & thrilling. There was always something new to discover or try. It was an adventure of a lifetime that very few people get to ever experience not having any support from a base to hold onto in the hard moments. We were mostly on our own.

Our Church Family

We were very blessed to eventually meet an Australian couple who had come to Japan as missionaries & who run a Japanese church where we could attend, but even there, very few spoke any English & the few that did were more comfortable in their Japanese for the most part. The English speakers lived pretty far from us & were very busy people, so we didn’t see them very often outside of church.

We loved our church. They were such warm & welcoming people who helped us whenever they were able. Some took me under their wing sometimes for an occasional day trip. One wonderful friend helped teach us some Japanese as our tutor. And still others would help us in buying major appliances with the paperwork, etc. We were very fortunate despite our language barriers.

It’s so strange how a body of believers in Jesus can feel like family, even on the other side of the world, made up of a few Americans, a few Australians, & mostly Japanese. Different cultures. Different countries. Same Jesus. Same family under Jesus. So beautiful.

Consistently Hard, But Not Bad

As for my day-to-day life, I was mostly on my own, in a foreign country, with very little support.

I didn’t hate living there at all, because I loved the adventure of it… but something unexpected began to happen… I didn’t understand how the constant newness & figuring out of things in a foreign language was taking its toll on my brain.

My brain was like a computer always having to try too hard & consistently getting overheated.

My Brain Could Never Make Sense of Anything

Everywhere I went, voices around me spoke unrecognizable words… signs were unreadable… directions on packages couldn’t be understood without help of pictures or translation apps… not being able to read the buttons on my own home washer/dryer even… not able to easily go up to someone to ask for help or ask a question or ask directions….

My brain was constantly trying to process information it couldn’t ever process.

A constant, “Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute…. Does not compute….” On repeat. All day. Every day. It was quite literally mentally exhausting.

The Darkness Grew Darker

I didn’t realize the strain a brain could experience in a foreign country. The voices & language around me were foreign. The words on every label, sign, set of directions, etc. were foreign. Even certain customs & ways of doing things were foreign.

Talk about quadrupling the isolation I had been experiencing on Guam…. My brain was TIRED beyond all measures of tired I had ever known possible.

And my brain started to change noticeably. The stress it was constantly under was breaking me down over time.

The Rage Monster That Was Trapped Inside of Me Scared Me

I felt constantly beyond capacity, so any inconvenience would cause me to almost have a minor mental &/or emotional breakdown.

There were random times where I would drop something at home like a cup of water & I would just drop to the floor & cry.

Other times I felt rage hit me like I have never before experienced. Drop a pencil I was using? Clenched jaw & fists as I take a deep breath through gritted teeth & pick it up. Drop it again? It gets immediately chucked at a wall. I was crumbling internally & it terrified me.

I used to say it felt like I had a rage monster trapped inside of me that I couldn’t make go away.

I tried so hard to be so accommodating to all the newness & to all the differences all the time, but I was breaking down & becoming someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. And it scared me. I needed HELP.

“Please, God… Make the Hard Stop.”

I knew I needed God’s help, but my prayers were mostly focused on “MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!!!” And when it didn’t stop… when the hard kept going… I felt a little more despair settle in each time.

I felt a little more distrust in God settle in… which made me feel guilty… which made me slowly taper off in my prayers because I didn’t want God to “ignore me” one more time & cause me to become bitter & angry with Him… so I stopped talking to Him about it at all.

Which REALLY left me on my own to face it all. Wrong choice.

My Sneaky Pride

But God is so wonderful & faithful, that He used even my failure & rudeness toward Him to help ME.

You see, with my gifting from God, having had my spiritual gifting from childhood because I surrendered my sin to Jesus paying my debt & trusted in Him at 5 years old, I had sort of taken for granted my gifting, as if I somehow DESERVED it, because I have been a Christian for so long, of COURSE I had this gifting… as if MY faithfulness MERITED my GIFTing…. Wow.

Now, deep down, I knew absolutely that this was completely ridiculous & that OF COURSE it was FROM GOD, NOT me…. But sometimes I was really foolish in thinking maybe I also had a little something to do with it because of MY faithfulness to God over so many years.

It was something I had been praying over most of my growing up because I knew I was wrong to be thinking that, but yet still found myself feeling a little too proud of myself versus giving God the credit in my own heart.

God Was Using This Darkness for My Good

And here I was, for sure earning NOTHING because I was a complete brat, had stopped praying almost altogether, no longer depending on God through my breakdown issues, etc…. & YET, God CONTINUED to work through my gifting.

As if to say, “Yeah, this is from ME… NOT you. This is how I choose to work THROUGH you. It’s not about you. It’s about Me.”

What a humbling lesson to learn.

Me, a worm. Worthless. Sniveling. Given up trying to please God with my heart through the hard… worshiping EASE over HIM…. AND YET, He STILL chose to work through my gifting.

Because it’s not about me or me being great or faithful “enough” or any such nonsense.

It’s about it all being of Him, from Him, through Him, & FOR Him.

NOT me. HIM.

God Can Work DESPITE Me… Thank GOD!

Now, can He work more effectively with my surrender to His will & way? Of course.

But can He choose to work through me even when I am a complete & utter screw up? Absolutely.

It’s about His work, not mine.

I can have NOTHING to offer Him, & really, I don’t because He already has EVERYTHING… & He can still work through me.

How humbling that is.

What an honor that is.

He used my quitter attitude to show it wasn’t me holding me up at all along the road of life… it was Him all along.

It was all Him.

PRAISE GOD.

Can You Relate?

Is there an area you have refused to pray about anymore because you don’t feel like God is listening or that God cares? (He is & He does.)

Are you having a bad attitude about any area of your life because you feel like the hard just won’t stop no matter HOW MUCH you pray?

Have you given up?

Where could God be trying to teach you that it’s not about you being great enough to “deserve” Him, but that even when you obviously don’t, He will forever remain faithful to you regardless?

Where can you give God the praise He deserves despite the struggle with which you wrestle? Where in your struggle can you bring Him honor? How can you make sure He gets the glory instead of you?

Practice praying to see His “enoughness” in your struggle more than praying for your struggle to end. Allow God to show you He is enough for you come what may.

Shine HOPE by turning to Him & relying on Him in the hard, by living to give Him the glory & the honor & the praise in all you do. Amen.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty:

Heart Drop Earrings (INDIA)

These beautiful double heart drop earrings are handmade in India by women earning fair wages for their work. These earrings feature a gold-tone heart stud with a dangle heart pendant, to create a sophisticated fair-trade fashion statement.

*****Every purchase creates safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Relationships Can Be Hard Sometimes, Can’t They?

If you have ever been in any long-term relationship, or even just consider the family you’re born into (your God-given long-term relationships), you know good relationships take work. They’re not easy.

We can be tempted to look at really happy couples online or celebrities or friends even, & think they must have it all together all the time, but I will tell you this right now… I guarantee you with absolute certainty that they don’t have it ALL together ALL the time.

Because good relationships require that you work on them.

There will be days where you feel at each other’s throats because you’re both in a bad mood. There will be days when you have pretty opposite opinions you both feel very strongly about. There will be days of misunderstandings & hurt feelings. There will be days where past trauma is triggered, even when it has zero to do with that other person.

Strong relationships are definitely worth it… but they’re definitely not always easy.

It All Felt So Easy in the Beginning

Well, we’re no different. Our marriage takes work. It takes loving through each other’s bad moods or bad attitudes, mistakes, & shortcomings. It takes prayer & trusting God’s way forward.

When we were dating, it felt so easy to be together. My husband was waiting on his job clearance & I was working parttime at the church where we met. Low pressure. Low stress. Few obligations &/or distractions. Just the two of us. (Who else sang that just now?)

We spent most of our free time together, not to mention that any church event or service found us side-by-side.

I was still working out my commitment fears as for a potential future together, but in each individual moment together, it felt easy.

We laughed a lot together. We had fun. We were silly & ridiculous. We went on long walks, played card games & board games together, we went out to eat together, we would sit & just open up about any & everything together. And we prayed together. It felt so easy to be together.

First Few Years?

We got married in May 2012, enjoyed a beach honeymoon in Mexico, & just 3 months later, packed up from our small apartment & moved to Guam.

Our new adventure awaited us as a newlywed couple.

I was wide-eyed & teeming with HOPE for our future together.

I had heard that the first few years of marriage were notoriously some of the hardest to go through, but I thought that was for sure not true for us. We were in love & happy & full of joy & bright expectations.

Bring on the Hard

But reality started to settle in… My husband’s job was demanding of his time & energy. I couldn’t seem to get a job anywhere. Friends were so hard to come by because of certain circumstances–I couldn’t get too involved in anything regularly because with hubby’s schedule, I could potentially miss my only chance to see him that week.

Then the fact that smartphones weren’t as common then.… (We had an international calling plan that allowed a 3-hour window & if my family wasn’t free during that specific 3-hour window, I had no other time to hear their voices or chat.)

I was far, far away from any family & friends. I had a hard time being able to plug in anywhere. My husband worked an insane amount of hours & was always exhausted when home. I couldn’t find a job. I was home… ALONE… all… the… time.

I felt like I had nobody. (Even now as I type, thinking back on that time in my life breaks my heart a little bit & gets me a little choked up because the hurt was very real.)

I had never known loneliness like I felt during most of my time living in Guam back in 2012-2015. From growing up around all my family & long-time friends, to a teeming social life in college, to this…. To say it was hard is a huge understatement. It was like life whiplash.

I Just Wanted to Go Home

Here we were, on the other side of the world from everything we had ever known & the first few years of our marriage indeed got very hard. Not bad, but hard.

My loneliness put pressure on my husband when he was already feeling enough pressure with his job. It seemed easier to argue than I ever thought could be possible for the two of us. It seemed easier to hurt each other than I ever thought could be possible for the two of us. And we never meant to do so, but it happened all the same.

I wanted to run back to my family in the states & pretend that season in my life never began. I wanted to go back to the easy happy. I wanted to go back to feeling I had a place to belong.

And this season lasted for about 1.5 years.

Amazing Things Happen When You Let God be in Charge

I was feeling some resentment, honestly, as wrong as that is. I didn’t know if I could ever get through or past the hurt I was feeling. I felt trapped by the hurts I was experiencing so often back then.

But then, something amazing happened. We started praying about it together whenever the circumstances were frustrating us.

We poured out our frustrations & hurts to God & asked Him to give us wisdom & a way forward… to the togetherness we so enjoyed & that came so easily before.

And you know what? God provided. God showed the way. God broke down walls I had built up in my heart. God eased my tensions. God filled me with impossible peace. God cared & God provided the bridge back.

God AS Our SOLUTION

God taught us how to direct our eyes back on HIM versus any problem that may arise.

He was our solution.

He was our glue.

He was our wisdom.

He was our help.

He was our bridge back.

God Is the Bridge Back in Relationships

What situation are you facing right now that just feels impossible?

What hurt in your heart seems to cloud everything you face?

What circumstance seems unsolvable?

Where in your life feels like there is no possible way forward?

Don’t believe that mumbo jumbo phrase: “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” You can have all the WILL in the world, & sometimes it just won’t do diddly squat.

What you need is PRAYER. What you need is the One Who holds the POWER behind PRAYER. What you need is God Almighty’s HELP. What you need is the grace of Jesus to wash over anything you may come across. What you need is the wisdom & way forward that only the Holy Spirit can provide for you.

When you face even the “unforgiveable,” take a minute to remember what Jesus gave for your “unforgiveables.” His LIFE.

We Need His Help to Forgive & We Need Him in Order to Love Well

What I need is prayer. Every single day. Even writing this today, I am convicted about two relationships in my life that hold some brokenness because of a misunderstanding or difference of opinion & I realize this isn’t just for marriage relationships, but I need to be praying for those relationships & a bridge forward all the same, because God is the solution there just as much.

Don’t let Satan tear apart relationships in your life. Don’t let him have the final say. Don’t let him distort & grow discontentment or resentment. Stand firm against it & PRAY OVER IT! God’s power trumps ANYTHING Satan can try to destroy. So–PRAY!

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:12-13)

Shine HOPE by trusting God to be your bridge back, no matter what seems to threaten your way forward. God. Is. ABLE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty:

February 2024 Hope Mail

FOR A LIMITED TIME – Only available during the month of February! This exclusive February Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Receive free shipping on this February Hope Mail package that includes our Midnight Tassel Bracelet from Uganda, Midnight Raffia Earrings from India, and our adorable Darkest Night Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

I Owe My Parents So Much

After I graduated college, I was already nearing 27 years old because I worked in between high school & college.

Admittedly, I had a great advantage because my parents offered to pay for my college (in lieu of a wedding, which I didn’t find out until later), but without their immense financial help, following God’s call to “go to Liberty & get a Business Marketing degree” would have been made not impossible, but much more challenging.

Along the way, my parents would also cover much of my car & health insurance costs, to be repaid after I graduated.

The Summer after College

Well, here I was, graduated, & I now had this decently sized sum of money I now needed to repay, consisting of all of the bills my parents had covered on my behalf until I could reimburse them, PLUS their desire for me to move out on my own asap to begin my life as an adult.

But there was one little problem–I didn’t have a job.

So began my hunt for a job.

God Kept Closing Doors & I Didn’t Understand Why

The hunt for a job did not go as expected. After months of searching, either I would get no positive response or I would feel the intangible wall, as if God were putting a mental blockade up, a complete lack of peace, as if to say, “thou shalt not pass.”

It was frustrating & confusing because it didn’t make sense, & quite frankly made me look bad to my parents I felt. I really wanted to impress them & I could not get a job no matter how much I prayed or searched. And when something DID get positive feedback, it was as if God always said “no.”

Sometimes Where God Leads Makes No Sense to Me

But why would God do that? God knew I owed money. God knew it made me look like a freeloader who had no plans of ever getting a job. God knew it made me look bad.

Wouldn’t He want me to pay off my debt & honor my parents’ wishes for me to move out? Wouldn’t He NOT want me to be an extra cause of stress on them? Why was He not honoring this request in helping me get a job ASAP?

It didn’t make any sense to me. I wanted to be responsible. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to pay my debt. I didn’t understand.

God’s Conviction When I Held Back for Myself

Then, there was one day, as I was reading my Bible before bed, that I came across these 2 annoying little verses, in Proverbs 3:27-28:

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it,” When you have it with you.”

Uggggh.

You see, I had a small savings account in my name with a few hundred dollars in it that I had been using for small comforts to still go to a movie here & there with friends or go for fast food (a certain “Mexican food” one, I might add), or get gas… but mainly, I was holding onto it just in case I had car troubles because “it’s wise to keep back up money in case that happens.” Because, well, it is wise… but God was making it clear to my heart right then that the money really didn’t belong to me & I needed to first honor my parents with the commitment I had made to them, versus riding comfortably on my buffer account.

So, I transferred every bit of it to my parents to bring down my debt, leaving only a full gas tank to go on from there forward.

God Provides as We Trust in Him

But a funny thing happened… I didn’t get a job that whole summer—but God provided for me every step of the way.

Doors would shut or God would block peace in my heart, as if to say, “trust me here… don’t take it, no matter how tempting it may be. Just trust Me & follow my lead.”

As I trusted Him in His NO for a steady income, God did something else pretty spectacular.

Every time I had a bill come due, sometimes seemingly out of the blue I would receive a babysitting job, a housesitting job, a mowing job, or some other thing that would cover the entirety of my bill & any leftovers would go to my parents (minus $20 for a new tank of gas).

God provided every single time… on time.

It Required Sacrifice, But God Provided My Needs

My life didn’t look the way I envisioned it after just graduating. I couldn’t go out to dinner with friends or see movies, but God allowed me to have fun with friends in other ways, like movie rentals or games or trips to the mall, where I didn’t have to spend money.

It was challenging to have to say no to fun activities, but I understood that until I cleared accounts with my parents & released them from that… the money wasn’t mine anyway.

I needed to honor God first & my financial commitments as well, even if it made life “less fun.”

Not only did I pay every incoming bill ON TIME… I also paid off ALL of my debt to my parents.

God Taught Me to Trust Him First… Money & Financial Security Second

And once my debt was paid in full, a job came.

It was as if God was saying to me, “I just needed you to learn that if you are seeking to honor & obey my lead, as much as it may seem to lack sense, I will provide for your needs.”

“Therefore, do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ … For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” (Matthew 6:31-33)

This is not to say, “I am going to avoid getting a job, do whatever I want, & trust that God knows my needs & will provide for me anyway,” but rather a call to trust that as we are seeking to obey & trust God’s lead, we don’t need to be distracted with worry about our needs that God knows about & promises to supply as we follow HIS lead.

In Whatever State I’m In…

As I mentioned, trusting Him with finances may mean sacrifices to your ideal lifestyle, but it will be one blessed by His care & lead.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

That Summer, I got just a taste of being in need, but I also got a taste of God’s careful provision as I learn to trust in Him no matter my circumstances & to honor Him with my choices, even when it’s not so easy to do so. And if I obey Him in this & seek to honor Him in this… He will always provide for me.

Where Are Your Worries? Where Is Your Trust Placed?

Do you will to trust God’s lead when it means living less than you imagined? Are you willing to let God call the shots, even if it means some sacrifice to that ideal? Are you willing to honor Him & your commitments first, even when it isn’t easy? Are you willing to trust God to provide for you?

“Thank You, Lord, for helping me grow out of my fear of lack… for showing me that as long as I am trusting You & letting You lead me, even if You don’t provide in the conventional ways, like providing me a secure job, You WILL provide my needs. Thank You, LORD!”

Shine HOPE, by doing what honors Him, even when it’s hard, & letting Him lead, even when it doesn’t make any sense to you… trusting God to always provide for your needs.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over 5.5 years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Ziva Earrings (INDIA)

These stunning, mixed metal Ziva Earrings feature a gold-tone lined bar frame with faceted, silver-tone beads in the middle. Creating a beautiful fair-trade fashion statement, these earrings are perfect for holiday events!

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

The Night It All Began

I believe it was December 22 when the cough began, because that night I had a rough time of trying to sleep. I remember waking up in the early morning needing to use the restroom but had felt what I thought was my asthma the day before, so I didn’t want to get up for fear of triggering any coughing.

I prayed about it, asking God if I could have peace about getting up or if I should just try to go back to sleep & deal with my bladder in the morning so to make sure I wouldn’t disrupt my opportunity for more sleep that night.

Well, I felt peace about it, so I decided to get up to use the restroom, but when I crawled back in bed, the coughing fits kicked in & my sleep was no more.

Since then, I have wondered why God would give me peace about getting up, only to allow that to be my result, but let’s move on with this Christmas that didn’t go the way I hoped it would.

It Started Off So Well

Now, the whole previous week, my husband & I had the privilege to do something we had never done—Tokyo Disney during Christmastime. It was a fun trip with many happy memories & above & beyond blessings from God.

But, upon the morning of December 23, after a long uncomfortable night of coughing fits, it was now time to gear up to leave for home.

Maybe you might wonder why we didn’t decorate, or wrap presents before our trip, seeing as how we would arrive home at 2am on Christmas Eve following our Red Eye trip back, but let’s just say that not only was it a last-minute decision, but I had been sick, preventing clean up from both my birthday & Thanksgiving prep, making for much recovery needed in our home before leaving.

Our plan was to arrive home around 3am, sleep until Christmas Eve service at 10:45am, run by the store for a rotisserie chicken & some hashbrowns for next morning’s breakfast & dinner. Then come home to wrap presents. Jamie would decorate (usually his much appreciated contribution) while I would prepare food for Christmas day. I would bake cookies from a premade package. We would listen to Christmas music. And then we would drive to look at lights & go to dinner.

It was the perfect plan that never happened.

The First Crumbling of Our Dream Plan Begins

So, the morning of the 23^rd comes & let’s just say that neither of us were in a good mood. The day was not sunshine & rainbows. We were ready to go home.

Well, my cough worsens, to the point that I actually felt a little concerned about my breathing ability, wondering if I should attempt seeking medical help in a foreign country, but in true ME fashion, I didn’t want to bother with all of that fuss, so I just tried to make the most of it & get through it as uncomfortable as I was.

So, after my headache meds kicked in, as my insane amount of coughing had jostled my brain to feeling like someone had taken a jackhammer to it, I finally felt some semblance of normalcy & relief.

But that was not to last long.

Feeling Absolutely Crummy & Dampening the Day of Everyone Around Me

Between the constantly reoccurring coughing fits & the subsequent splitting headaches, I was just feeling done… & sluggish… & worried about potentially not being able breathe at any given moment… cough drops did nothing & my cough seemed to laugh at my inhaler… plus a notable lack of sleep the night before… let’s just say that I wasn’t feeling too great.

I wanted to be home, where I could feel physically miserable in private.

… Not the disgusted side glances. Not making people around me feel uncomfortable. Not blasting through others’ attempts at conversation. Not making people sitting near me get up a move to a new seat across the room. Not being persistently physically uncomfortable everywhere I went.

I wanted privacy in my misery.

The Punch to My Gut When I Was Already Struggling So Much

Well, after a day of this, the time of our flight arrived, only to board the plane, get to the runway, & have to turn back because something “wasn’t seeming right & they wanted to have it checked.”

So, we returned to the gate & had to sit on the plane for about an hour or more, only to hear the words over the intercom, “unfortunately, we cannot get approval to take off, so someone will be boarding soon to give you your options.”

NOT what I wanted to hear on Christmas Eve Eve & NOT what I wanted to hear in the current physical state I was in.

Our flight was canceled.

Our flight was the last one out for the evening.

It felt like a punch to the gut.

It Gets Worse

Proceed with about 4.5 hours of waiting for answers, waiting in line, being told hotels were hard to find & so were flights. (Jamie got online, thankfully, & booked himself just in case, rather than risking this—thank You, God, for nudging him to do this!) Then we’re told they’re closing the airport & kicking us out. More lines. Customs & immigration again. More lines waiting for reimbursement paperwork they could have just handed out. Then another line in the bitter cold (with a cough) for a taxi to a hotel for the night.

The aches had begun & at this point my whole body hurt. Standing in hour long lines several times when you’re really achy & sore all over is not my definition of fun.

We got to the hotel an hour after we were supposed to be home from our flight.

So much for our Christmas Eve Christmas prep plans. Our new flight was set to get us home at about 5pm on Christmas Eve.

It Was One Hard Night

Cue an entire night of coughing, no warm clothes because our luggage had been retained & we had dressed for a flight back to tropical weather. And no inhaler. And no cold meds, either.

Oh, & for risk of tmi, I may have peed myself about a million times because of my coughing fits & had nothing to change into, so I had that going for me, too… sitting in that, sleeping in that… & a whole other day in that. Just… gross.

I basically spent the night in the bathtub, refreshing the hot water every once in a while, to ease my aches & provide steam for my lungs to relax. I was a prune in the morning.

Merry Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve begins. The aches are worse. My cough is worse (to the point of a bad fit requiring me to briskly walk to the lobby bathroom at the hotel while we awaited the airport shuttle, so I could lean over a public toilet & throw up several times). Still sitting in my own pee. Plus, very little sleep AGAIN.

It’s safe to say I cried (as discreetly as I could) several times that day.

Well, as if the aches & the bad coughing fits & feeling gross weren’t enough, the crazy chills & incessant needing to blow my nose began. I was physically so weak & in constant pain all over & annoying everyone around me & freezing cold shaking.

Yeah, I cried a lot yesterday.

The Delays Seemed to Never End… Was Our Flight Getting Canceled AGAIN?

But it didn’t end there… unfortunately.

Our flight was delayed 3 hours.

Then another 2 hours. Plane is late.

Then another hour. New flight crew is needed to arrive.

It really felt like we were never going home, like they were just stringing us along for an eventual repeated canceled flight.

At this point, I was seriously expecting a riot, looking around for security nearby because people had started yelling & cussing out staff, saying, “I don’t want free WATER… I want to go HOME!!!” (Except with expletives added.)

I could relate to their feelings of desperation. I just really, really wanted to go home.

Then ANOTHER 30-minute delay… to brief new crew & prepare the plane.

Hope, But One of the Hardest Flights

We finally got on the plane, only to sit on the plane for maybe another hour. I was sitting there waiting for it to all fall apart again somehow.

But… we were cleared & took off! Yay! But we had warnings of turbulence announced to us a majority of the flight. (Which, thankfully, wasn’t very much at all, for which my motion-sickness self was so appreciative!)

I was the most physically miserable at this point. Crazy achiness, chills, coughing, blowing my nose constantly, feeling like a nuisance, in & out of consciousness (which I was so grateful for some sleep at least, even if choppy & inconsistent). I didn’t know how I would make it because I was that uncomfortable & hurting so much, but I had no choice… it was the only way home.

A Not So Merry Christmas

And finally, FINALLY, we arrived back on Guam at 12am Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas.

Well, I was grateful to have gotten a full night’s sleep last night, & that I am feeling a little better, & that my aches & chills have subsided & that I could change my clothes & shower… but I am definitely sick… & Jamie woke up feeling sick, too.

Merry Christmas.

No special Christmas Eve service. No wrapped gifts. No tree. No decorations. No baked cookies. No Christmas breakfast ready to pop in the oven. No special Christmas dinner (cue frozen lasagna). No merriment. Just 2 sick people in pjs, staying in bed most of the day because we just don’t have the energy to move anymore.

Merry Christmas.

God Gave Me Some Perspective

But I think back to 2 nights ago, in the hotel, when I felt so awful, crying in the bathtub so I wouldn’t keep Jamie up all night with my coughs… praying & asking God… WHY?

“God, why? Why did You give me peace to get up that night? You knew it would trigger my coughs, prevent sleep, & set me up on a weak beginning for a super hard day. Why did You allow that to happen to me? I know You love me, so I don’t understand why You could do that.”

And the answer came like a gentle, gracious breeze over my heart… a reminder that the original Christmas was not bright colored wrapping paper or holiday jingles or all about feel-good moments.

My God, Jesus, came to be born in a stable…. (Luke 2:12)

God, Who held all glory & power & majesty, chose to be born in a stable as a human being, surrounded by farm animals, dirty shepherds, & sheep.

He Came for Me… For You

And not only that, but He came to seek & to save the lost (Luke 19:10)… by giving His life for us. (Romans 5:8)

“In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” (1 John 4:9-10)

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:17)

“For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

“This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” (1 Timothy 1:15)

He Suffered Far Beyond What I Suffered for Me… for You

He was rejected by the very people He created & knit together. (Isaiah 53; Psalm 139:13-16)

He was rejected by the very people He came to save, being led like a lamb to the slaughter… for which He responded so graciously by saying, “Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

The reminder was clear: Jesus’ life & death was much more difficult than my miserable last 48 hours… & He endured it all with gentle, willing, gracious, loving patience for ME… for YOU… to save us from the wrath of God, the consequences for our sin.

Imagine never feeling physical pain because You are GOD & yet willingly being born as a man in order to die for our sins to offer us LIFE.

Merry Christmas

This Christmas may seem empty & void of any Christmas spirit, food, or festivities, with 2 sick people bed-ridden in an undecorated home… but I am so thankful He got me through the last 2 miserable days because boy were they HARD like I have not known hard for a good long while.

Thank You, God, for getting me through the last 2 days. I was in so much pain & I was shaking so hard & coughing so much that I didn’t know if I could make it. Thank You for the sweet relief of sleeping in & out of the flight. Thank You for keeping the motion sickness away. Thank You for the extra chance to get an extra crème brulé latte & their quiche which is one of my favorites. Thank You for nudging Jamie to be proactive & book a hotel & new flight while waiting in line so we had somewhere to sleep that wasn’t too far away. Thank You for the graciousness of the taxi line letting us cut because they saw I was struggling so much with my cough in the bitter cold. Thank You Lord for those sweet intermissions of relief I was able to experience so I could be encouraged to keep going. Thank You for getting us HOME!

And thank You for being willing to endure much worse… for me who deserves so little… for all who believe on You as their hope & salvation.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

When Christmas Doesn’t Go the Way You Hope It Will

Is this how I wanted to spend Christmas? Sick in bed after all that? No. But honestly, I am so grateful to finally be home that not much else matters really… & when I consider how Jesus went through much worse for me? It’s hard to complain about my really hard 2 days + a sick day in bed for Christmas… even when Christmas doesn’t go the way you hope it will.

Shine HOPE by remembering all that Jesus willingly endured on our behalf, starting with His humble original Christmas.

Merry Christmas, & to all a good night.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Bumblebee Backpack (GUATEMALA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Handcrafted in Guatemala, every 100% cotton Bumblebee Backpack features a drawstring closure and adorable yellow and black “rick rack” trim to create the striped pattern you see. The Bumblebee Backpack even features two adorable white wings!

*****This drawstring backpack creates jobs that help moms in Guatemala send their kids to school! Every purchase supports women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

If Only It Had All Been Just a Dream

In a small home with a single window sat a young girl. Her eyes were glistening & her cheeks were tear-stained. Her gaze out the window was more of an empty, blank stare. She felt too numb to really acknowledge much of anything going on inside or out.

Around her, she heard screams & cries, as the world seemed to be crashing in around her.

Everything sounded muffled, muted, as if everything were just a dream at this point.

She wished it were all just a dream. She wished she could wake up. She wished that none of it was real… only a sick imagining of her mind.

But it WAS real & today was the worst day of her life.

Carefree Giggles That All Came Crashing Down

Just yesterday, she was playing in the dirt street with her friends, carefree & giggling… with her little baby brother begging for attention… which she had ignored.

She had felt too big to play with a little baby. She wanted to seem grown up & worthy to play with the older kids instead, even though her mother had tried unsuccessfully to convince her to do otherwise.

Oh, how she wished she could turn back time, for now she would have chosen much differently. She would have left the older kids in a heartbeat for one more smile out of her little, sweet brother.

But it was too late for that now.

A Cruel King, an Unimaginable Terror

“Then Herod, when he saw that he was deceived by the wise men, was exceedingly angry; and he sent forth and put to death all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its districts, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had determined from the wise men.” (Matthew 2:16)

The king had issued a decree of the cruelest nature. He had commanded for every little boy to be killed. She couldn’t understand why, but the why didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered.

The soldiers had rushed in, asked where her brother was, & without thinking, she had pointed, without considering what might come next.

The fear had made her brain stop. She hadn’t had time to think that maybe they had poor intentions… that they would do what they would do. She had just pointed.

And in a flash, a quick stride across the room, & a slash… her brother was gone. His cries had stopped.

It Was Too Late

Her heart had dropped to the floor. Her mind couldn’t wrap around what had just happened. The shock overwhelmed her & even long after the soldier had stormed out, she just stared blankly in her brother’s direction, numb & unbelieving & unmoving.

Her parents had rushed in from the field, had seen her brother & had pushed past her in desperate, hurried hopes of saving him… but it was too late.

It was far too late. There was no hope. Her brother was gone.

The Grief, the Shame, the Guilt

She didn’t remember when the sobs kicked in, but once they did, they would not stop. She collapsed to the dirt floor & cried with her whole self.

Her parents had tried to console her, tried to reassure her, tried to make her feel safe, but none of that mattered. She had killed her baby brother. Her sweet, helpless baby brother… & he was gone… because of her.

Logic didn’t matter as her parents tried to say it would have happened either way.

She had helped. She had pointed. It felt like it was all her fault.

A Bright Twinkling Star in the Sky

And now, as the sun had already set, as her parents wept quietly in bed on the other side of the single-roomed home, the little girl still sat sullenly at their one window, feeling incapable of leaving this one spot, letting her mind numb over as she stared blankly at the night sky.

And past her numb, aching stare, a twinkling of grandest scale seemed to beg for her attention & for a brief moment, she allowed her numb gaze to hone in on the strange star that shone brighter than any other star that evening, in the sky not so far away.

And for the first time that day, she felt an unexplained twinkling ray of hope shine into her heart that comfort, love, & hope could possibly be not so far away.

What Child Is This?

“So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.” (Luke 2:6-7)

Not so far away, in a manger made to feed the stable animals at the inn that had no more room for these particular traveling guests, lay a very special Baby.

But this was no ordinary baby….

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

“Therefore, the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel [“God with us”].” (Isaiah 7:14)

“Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary…. Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest… He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.” (Luke 1:26-33)

The Light of the World

“For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

“… He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it…. He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:1-14)

He Came to Take Away the Sins of the World

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

“The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29)

This was no ordinary baby. This baby, born in a manger, was Jesus Christ, eternally God, born in flesh, to live as man but sinless, to love & to heal & to teach & to eventually offer His life to all, (“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”-Romans 5:8) even to those who actively were rejecting Him, saying on the cross, “Lord forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

He was Emmanuel, God with us…

… The hope come into the world.

Shine HIS Hope

While it is true that Herod killed the children of Bethlehem when Jesus was no longer a baby in a manger, the truth of hope-come-to-man is quite the same regardless. A helpless baby was the form our great God took on so that He could be the rescue we all need. The HOPE we all long for.

Praise Jesus Christ Emmanuel this Christmas!

Shine HOPE this Christmas by being a light to the hope we all have because Jesus came to earth to die for men, to reconcile us to God for all who repent & believe on Him! *Praise Him, the Savior of the World!*

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Corte Whale Pouch (GUATEMALA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Artisans in Guatemala handcraft this eco-friendly artisanal design from upcycled Corte, traditional Mayan woman’s skirt, and tipico fabric, traditional Guatemalan fabric. Each ethically made pouch is one of a kind, and beautifully crafted into a whale shaped pencil pouch. Lined with 100% cotton, this Corte Whale Pouch is ideally sized to carry a little one’s everyday essentials with fun style.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages for women in areas of extreme poverty in Guatemala.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

Paranoia & Chronic Nightmares

I had always been a paranoid kid, & that trait followed me as I got older.

I don’t know if it was the scary audiotapes my friends pressured me into listening to at sleepovers in 4^th grade or the occasional scary movie my friend would “trick” me into seeing by saying, “it’s not that scary, don’t worry.”

Or maybe it was the chronic nightmares I had as a kid–always the same dream with minor variations—all leading to death.

Whatever the cause, I was always a very paranoid person.

Forget walking down a dark street… or even a dark hallway. Nuh-uh. NOPE.

I would get chills, like someone was watching me… like evil was lurking around every corner.

It probably didn’t help that I was addicted to young adult murder mystery books, either. Nancy Drew, anyone?

But here I was, a paranoid person… & in one night, all of that changed.

I Asked God to Try My Faith…

The night of my burning ceremony (see last chapter for the full story: Chapter 8), & deciding that I no longer wanted to rely on anything else for validation… not music that made me feel validated for deep feelings of pain that made no sense to me… not ex-boyfriend notes that made me feel seen/worthy of love… not accolades from years past that made me feel good enough… just Jesus…. That night changed my life forever.

If you remember from last chapter, in my journal, where I was supposed to be going through the PDF of possible strongholds & jotting notes & prayers & verses that came to mind as I worked through them… all I could get myself to write were 2 little verses:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

“try me….”

Paranoia & Fear = A Weak Point in My Trust of God Almighty

You see, my paranoia & fear really showed that I believed, deep down, that dark forces (demons) could get me, when I should have been repenting of that lack of trust in God’s power reigning supreme & asking God to help me live as a conqueror in Him.

My paranoia displayed where I lacked trust in God Almighty to be Enough for me.

And that night, I would learn how GOD ALMIGHTY measured up to the dark demonic forces I feared so much.

The Night That Shook My World & Shifted My Perspective

I went to bed that night like any other night… probably still riding the high from our time at the park & making such a bold & firm decision to trust God above all else as my comfort & my hope.

You can guess that Satan did not very much like this decision.…

Well, the high didn’t last long. I drifted off to sleep & once again had another nightmare. Only, this time, when I woke up, the most terrifying thing happened that I have ever experienced in my life.

Paralysis Greeted Me When I Woke Up This Time

It was my habit, that when I woke up from my nightmares, very much feeling like it was about to happen in real life, I would bang on the wall & call for help because I thought we were actually in danger & I needed to warn everyone to protect them… to protect myself.

But sometimes, I would experience something called sleep paralysis, I believe is what it is called. Basically, when you wake up, you cannot move.

And this particular night, following my nightmare start from sleep, I could not move. My body was stiff & rigid & I could not even lift my arms up off the bed. I was seemingly pinned down by an invisible force. And when I tried to call for help… I found I could not speak… no sound came out no matter how desperately I tried.…

And That’s When I Saw It…

And as my eyes darted around my room, recovering from the nightmare that felt like it was real, trying to figure out how to call for help, my eyes landed on a dark black hovering shape between my bed & a window with moonlight pouring in. It was a very defined, very definite floating cloud of blackness.

And then, the voice. Inside my head. That was not my own voice. Dark. Deep. Menacing. A cruel, mocking male voice.

“You can’t move….” (mocking laughter) “You’re trapped & you can’t defend yourself, can you?” “Where is your big God now?” “He’s not going to help you.” “You’re all alone. With me. And I am going to take over you & you won’t be able to stop me.” (more sinister laughs, mocking me)

My Cry for Help

I tried with all my might to bang on that wall. I still couldn’t move.

I tried to scream for help. Still no words would come out. I was frozen & mute. I was trapped.

I started to cry & pray for help.

“God isn’t going to help you. Do you see Him anywhere? No. He’s not coming. You’re alone. I have control. No one is going to help you. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No one is going to help you. There is no hope. I’m in control now.” All inside my own thoughts, but not my own voice… a menacing male voice, his cackling rattling inside my brain.

I begged God to help me as I strained against the paralysis & eventually, an arm… just one arm… broke loose & I banged on the wall over & over & over again, still mute, but praying, BEGGING God to help me.

I Had Never Felt Terror Like This

In answer to my prayer, my Mom heard me & came running in to check on me. I was sobbing & frantic, terrified beyond belief, & even as she turned on the lights & came running to my side, I could see the dark black cloud hovering next to my bed & I could still hear the mocking voice & laughter inside my thoughts.

My voice returned, but all I could muster was, “Help me, help me, help me! Make it stop! Help me!” as I tried to explain what was happening. And as she leaned over, looking at me with concerned expression, her face all of a sudden took on that of a demonic image of terror, as if the demon was projecting its evil menacing, threatening grin through the face of my mom.

I was afraid to look at her anymore. I was so terrified I couldn’t think straight.

And then, my cat came to see me, concerned & scared, wanting to comfort me, so I scooped him up as my movement was restored. But as I held him, every time I closed my eyes, visions of him lunging at my throat would repeat over & over again until I pushed him away from me.

My Mom Reminds Me Who Is Ultimately in Control

My mom turned on my stereo to worship music & grabbed my Bible with a concordance & she just kept repeating: “You can’t give him power! Your panic is giving him power. You have to remember that God is bigger than anything he can say or do! You are saved by God’s grace, a demon cannot take you. He is lying to you & trying to get you to doubt God. Do NOT let him! He has no power & he knows it. He is lying to you! Here, look up POWER in the concordance & let’s start looking them up & reading them one by one. You need to remember who is really in charge here, no matter what that demon may be saying to you. God is the real One in charge, no matter what!”

And she made me read aloud every verse suggested by my Bible’s concordance referencing God’s power, one by one, reading about God’s power & authority on heaven & on earth.

And as we read, the voice quieted & the fear stilled.

I Thought It Was Over

I don’t know how long we read, but I just had this strong feeling that I needed to read EVERY verse listed because I needed it right then more than I really understood.

After reading a good amount of time, maybe getting through 2/3 of the verses, I hadn’t heard the voice in maybe 10-20 minutes & my mom eventually prayed with me & went back to bed.

My eyes were beginning to droop, the tired grogginess starting to set in from the sudden middle of the night wakeup… &, feeling some peace & quiet, I felt like I was okay to stop reading, turn off my worship music on the stereo, & try to go back to sleep… so I did.

But as I turned out the lights & crawled back into bed & closed my eyes, I heard his voice again. “Did you think you could get rid of me that easily? (cackling) No. I’m in charge now. I’m going to take over you & no one is going to stop me. Where is your God now? Still hasn’t shown up because He is not coming. You belong to me now & there is nothing you can do about it.” (more maniacal laughter)

I Determined to Finish the Task I Had Set Out to Do… Read Every Last One

So, I sprang out of bed, flipped on the light faster than I ever had before, turned my worship music back on, grabbed my Bible, & I determined to honor that heart nudging that felt so unmistakable: “Read every last verse listed in the concordance that references God’s almighty power in the Bible.”

And I did just that, tuning out the cackling, mocking words as I read God’s Word aloud.

Reaching the final referenced Bible passages, nothing had changed….

But as soon as the last words left my lips, in my obedience to God’s nudging on my heart to read every listed passage referencing His awesome power… something beyond amazing occurred.

God’s One THOUGHT Held More Power Than ALL of Satan’s Tactics… Satan Cannot Even TRY Without Allowance from God Himself

In that singular moment, it was as if a motionless SWOOSH swept through my room. All the terror, unrest, anxiety, fear, etc. just evaporated in an instant & was replaced by this feeling of absolute POWER. Like NOTHING could touch me. Like I was COVERED. Just absolute, fully-encompassing PEACE.

You see, in that moment, with the evil, lurking, hovering cloud of blackness, the sleep paralysis & muteness when I woke up, the threats, the mocking voice inside my own thoughts, the nightmare….

God didn’t have to OUTSHINE the blackness.

God didn’t have to bellow LOUDER than the menacing voice in my head.

God didn’t have to FILL my room with a size greater than him.

God didn’t have to do anything other than THINK: “enough.”

A single THOUGHT from God held more power than ALL the tactics that demon used COMBINED.

A thought.

That was it.

Nothing else needed.

WOW.

God Speaks & Creation Comes Forth… God THINKS & Work Is Done… God’s NAME Has Power… Our Infinite, Almighty GOD!

You may wonder how God could speak life into existence? I don’t anymore. Not after THAT.

You wonder why I believe when the Bible says God’s NAME alone has great power? Because a singular THOUGHT from God held more power than ANYTHING that demon could throw at me.

God IS the ultimate authority. God holds ultimate POWER.

My understanding of Satan & his evil forces of darkness may have shifted from an annoyance that picks on me & tries to tempt me, to seeing he holds real, actual power—read Job if you don’t believe me.

But let me tell you something right now. In all of his tricks & terrors of acting so much more powerful than ME… Satan’s power isn’t even worth MENTIONING when compared with the power of GOD ALMIGHTY, KING of kings, LORD of lords, Maker of Heaven & Earth, Redeemer, Father, Friend… GOD.

I Was Now Walking with My Confidence in GOD

From that day on, paranoia was nothing. I had seen what Satan could actually do… the power he really had… & compared with me? Terrifying.

But I didn’t have to rely on me versus him… but rather him versus GOD. And in that scenario, he’s nothing.

From that day on, I would get that creepy, crawly feeling while house-sitting & I would turn to face the darkness behind me & say into it with a loud voice, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you leave me alone!” And it would dissipate as if it were never there in the first place.

And my dreams began to change. Nightmares would begin… fear would start to rise… I would begin to run… but IN MY DREAM, something calm & assured would settle over me & I would turn to face whatever tormented me & say, “In the name of Jesus Christ, you leave me ALONE!” And the nightmare would fade & be replaced with peace & I would continue sleeping peacefully.

God has power, even in our DREAMS! His power has no limits, so don’t limit Him with lack of prayers for His help!

Satan Is More Powerful Than We Imagine & That Is Why God Says to Take Seriously Our Stand & Preparedness Against Him

Yeah, Satan is more powerful than we often give him credit for with our little red man depictions in cartoons, seeing him as more like a nuisance than a threat.

But he is a threat. He is at work more than we accredit him. And because we think so little of him, we often think far too little of our need for God… & of God’s power… & of heeding God’s call to stand firm, armor up, & resist. (Ephesians 6:10-20; James 4:7)

We need the armor God supplies. We need to stand firm. We need to flee the devil’s temptations. We need to take it seriously.

God Is Greater STILL–God Is Greater Than ANY Darkness

Even more so, we need to take the power of God more seriously.

We need to stop taking Him for granted & thinking we’re just fine with Him as our backup versus our LORD.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, as Proverbs 1:7 says, for a reason. Because we NEED to live with the understanding & recognition that God is GOD… & I am NOT.

Live like you need Him.

Because you do.

Claim the name of Jesus.

Shine HOPE by recognizing that God is greater than ANY darkness… & that His name ALONE holds more power than all the forces of darkness in this world. Claim the name of JESUS!

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Yeti Ornament (NEPAL)

LIMITED EDITION – While Supplies Last! This adorable, festive Yeti Ornament from Nepal adds a touch of whimsy to your holiday decor! Each ornament is handcrafted using 100% wool and traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

It’s So Easy to Try to Rely on Myself

I think it can be easy to look at someone like me, who has a public platform sharing the hope we have in Christ, & think I have it all together & am the primo example of a “good Christian.” Well, sorry to disappoint.

Here we are on Chapter 8, as we walk together through the story of my life, & all we’ll find here are more ways I found to rely on myself, after EVERYTHING I have already been through & shared with you. God is CONSTANTLY having to refine me & weed out & bring attention to areas where I either compromise or think it’s up to me & not up to Him.

This particular season in my life was no different.

I Thought the Dark Was Over

A few chapters ago, I talked about my depression spiral & the mercy from God that it ended up being for me… how much I have learned about depression & struggling with my emotions—either too many or not enough. (You can read about that in Chapter 3 or in “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

Well, to be honest, since it was such a huge pivot point in my life, I really just thought my deep depression in high school was merely a one-time teaching tool for that very specific lesson He taught me through it.

So, when it started to hit me again (read: TORMENT me again), it caught me completely off guard & I spiraled FAST.

The defeat I felt. “I already got through this! God already helped me through this! What is happening!?”

And talk about DARK.

Crying (& Screaming) Alone

I used to go to our community park, drive all the way to the secluded back of the lot (usually only occupied during ballgames)… & I would lock my doors, put the seat down, & SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in anguish & pain until sobs took over & then numbness set in as I stared blankly ahead, wishing I could make the unreasonable, unrelenting emotional pain stop.

Seriously, it felt like pain was being lashed onto my emotions uncontrollably. Like deep gashes & razor slits over & over & over on my heart. Just constant, heart-wrenchingly debilitating PAIN just relentlessly terrorizing me.

It made no sense. It was maddening because it made no sense. I could see the trigger, logically reason that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but my emotional response was like you had killed someone I loved. It was ridiculous & agonizing how little sense it made... but the pain was very much real.

Satan Exploits Our Weakest Moments

Aside from the messed-up brain chemistry involved, it was undoubtedly an attack. Satan was trying to get me to quit God & give up on life. I could feel that oppression in my BONES.

In my car one such day, as I was trying to release some of the built-up oppressive pain I felt so much of the time, crying, rocking on my side whimpering, to screaming… I remember very clearly thinking, “Satan, I’m already saved. I’m already going to heaven. Nothing you can do can change that, so why are you messing with me? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!”

And I prayed. A LOT. I begged. I pleaded. I cried for rescue. I said, “Please God, please God. I can’t. Please help me. Please. I can’t. Please help me!”

God saw me… God heard me… God had a plan… but the pain continued.

God Is Bigger Than Anything Satan Can Do

This was more than just emotions outpouring from poorly regulated hormones/brain chemistry or whatnot. This was Satan seeing me weak & frail & kicking me repeatedly in the gut while I felt defenseless, trying to get me to renounce Christ & give up living.

Satan did not want me to shine HOPE. He wanted me to be a warning—to make an example of me.

But God is greater. God doesn’t give up on us. And God ALWAYS uses our hard for our good. He NEVER wastes our pain when we entrust Him with it.

God Promises Tribulation & Hardship in This Sin-Filled World… But He Also Promises He Is the Overcomer

I’m sorry I can’t be one of those, “if you honor God, everything will work out like a charm & life will be all rosy with rainbows & sparkles.” That would be a lie.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

God actually promises tribulation. He promises hardship. He promises we will be hated for our faith, just as Jesus, in all His perfection, was hated even to death. (John 15:18-27)

So, no. It won’t be all butterflies & sunshine. We live in a world broken by sin. It will hurt sometimes. That’s just fact.

God IS Our Enough

BUT, God promises to BE our Enough IN it.

To give us wisdom when we ask. (James 1:5-6) To comfort us when we are weak. (2 Corinthians 1:4; Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 73:26) To be our rescue when we cry out to Him as our help. (2 Samuel 22:17-20; Psalm 107) To strengthen & enable us in our weaknesses. (Matthew 11:28-30) He IS our sufficiency. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

IN it.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

From Thinking about… to Planning… Suicide

Well, that was the first time in my life, in all the days in my high school depression years & then in that period of time, that my thinking about suicide turned into planning my suicide.

It felt like the ONLY way to make the relentless, terrorizing day & night PAIN STOP.

Heaven was something I craved SO DEEPLY because the pain of living was that intense & overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I NEEDED it to stop. I wanted to DIE.

And that reality scared me so much. I prayed for rescue & God pushed me to confess to my mom my plans.

In high school, my expression of a need for help wasn’t really understood to be as desperate a plea as it was, so I was scared to confide & if misunderstood, what that would lead me to do in my desperation, but I obeyed God’s nudge to confide & so I went & I confessed my plans for suicide.

I Got Help

God used that obedience to lead my mom to urge me to call the advice nurse line & eventually get help by way of a wonderful psychologist who helped me understand my brain chemistry & patterns better so I could create healthier patterns & defenses to protect myself from falling prey to the lies my misfiring emotional terrors were telling me.

God used her knowledge of the human brain to help me understand & fight back.

I am so thankful for what I learned through that experience. Not being a victim anymore, but having tools to recognize where my brain was failing me so I wouldn’t so easily fall victim to Satan terrorizing me through that weakness.

The Lingering Stronghold… What I Went to Instead of GOD for Help

But through it all, one little problem remained.

Whenever I was struggling or feeling terrorized or emotionally hurt… I would listen to music that backed me up & made me feel validated. You know, things like, “you don’t deserve that!” or “you deserve better!” or “I wish someone loved me more” or whatever.

I think it’s because the intensity of my emotions felt like an avalanche that I couldn’t tame or understand or justify… it made me feel crazy & broken… so music that made me feel justified in it gave me some sense of security.

What I really needed was to be pouring truth into my heart, rather than just seeking validation for my feelings, I needed to be seeking God as my hope in it… I needed to lift my heart & my hurts to HIM.

I needed to be intentionally lifting my heart in worship to God, singing of His goodness & mercy & love & hope, pouring sweet truths over my heart while lifting up the one true God Who is deserving of my praise & worship… shifting my gaze from the terrors to the One who gives me HOPE.

Lifting my eyes above the waves. Focusing instead on HIM.

God Is My Comforter & My Hope

And God opened my eyes to this problem by leading me to read through Authentic Beauty, by Leslie Ludy, with my good friend.

After reading this book, the author directs you to download a PDF & encourages you to take old boyfriend notes, or anything else from your past or present that you are clinging to for security in place of the One true God, our Father, through Jesus Christ… & burn them. Get rid of them for good. Make it impossible to run back to them.

And one day, with my friend, we brought things we were clinging to as our “this proves I matter to someone” or “this makes me feel validated” items, we lit a fire on a grill at the park, we separately prayed through our PDF list, & we burned our items when we felt ready to surrender them in exchange for seeking hope in Him alone.

The freedom I felt that day was indescribable. And I remember writing in my prayer journal that I had brought with me that day only 2 simple verses & nothing else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

I burned that binder of CDs worth hundreds of dollars & determined that day that I didn’t want to depend on anything other than Him as my hope & my salvation through the darkest trials I may face. God is my comforter & my hope.

What Are You Clinging to Instead of to Jesus?

And I would understand completely if you don’t at all believe what happened next to me. Both the most terrifying & the most perspective-shifting event I couldn’t ever imagine took place as a result of this simple prayer & it shook me to my core (in a good way)… but that’s for the next chapter….

So, what are you clinging to in place of Jesus? Where are you supplementing? Where are you trying to control your own happiness/security/validation? What do you feel you NEED to feel whole… that isn’t Jesus? That’s a stronghold & you need to get rid of it.

Shine HOPE by going to HIM in your darkest times. He knows where to get you help. He can sufficiently offer peace. He knows what you need more than you do. He knows what steps to take for healing. He has perfect wisdom. He cares for you. He is your supply. Don’t turn to anything else but Him… because you will not find hope anywhere else but HIM.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for over FIVE years now! (THIS IS BLOG POST #300!!!) THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Enchanted Set (INDIA)

LIMITED EDITION – Available While Supplies Last! Save $15.95 when you purchase this set, which includes the Enchanted Twist Cuff and the Enhanced Ruby Studs, that doubles your impact for women ending poverty cycles in India! The two designs pair perfectly to make a great gift or a holiday look for yourself! The Enchanted Twist Cuff features two thin, golden strands twisted together to create a beautiful design perfect for everyday wear. The stunning Enhanced Ruby Studs are made using faceted ruby stones set in a gold-tone frame.

*****Every purchase provides safe jobs with fair wages in areas of extreme poverty in India where vulnerable women are often exploited by sweatshops.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

No Longer Compromising to Be Loved… But Still Feeling Unworthy of It

So, here I was, learning that I didn’t have to try to fit in or be cool to feel okay with myself (read about that in Chapter 5), but that didn’t mean the insecurities were all gone… I just no longer was foolish enough to believe that compromising on God’s design was the solution to my problem.

I still struggled with my appearance. I still wanted to be accepted. I still felt that I was a lesser choice because of how I looked & that I was too annoying…. I just was no longer willing to play a part to try to solve it.

But I still feared that I may never be enough to be loved.

He Was There, Standing Across the Room

In comes a new guy in my life, back about maybe 20 years ago.

I had been friends with some people who went to a college about 30-45 minutes from me & would visit campus to hang out with them on occasion. I felt included & grown up & cool as a fresh out of high school teenager hanging out with friends at their college campus. All grown up.

And one day, I saw him… he was standing across the room at a parent welcome-to-campus party, cup in hand, waiting in line to get a slice of pizza. We locked eyes, like in a movie, & I felt like my heart melted instantly.

I knew I had to know him.

Smitten

Soon, he was offering to get me a soda & I was dancing in my head.

And that’s how it began. I was smitten, & he expressed that the feeling was very much mutual.

Pretty much right away, we became the dynamic duo, spending all of our free time together.

I visited campus so much more than I ever had before & he would drive to see me at home as well. We were inseparable. We instantly hit it off, effortlessly.

There Was One Little Problem

The only problem was that he was not a Christian. He didn’t trust in Jesus with his life & his eternity.

Why is that an issue, you may ask? Well, all of my decisions were usually filtered through prayer, through seeking God’s thoughts on things… & if I were to marry this man, I would need to submit to the decisions of someone who did not seek God as His guide in life…. Who did not seek God’s glory as his motivation in life.

I thought that maybe I could help change his mind, but what happened was that to smooth things over & avoid uncomfortable disagreements, I started to keep my mouth shut, which in turn led me to not bring God into everything as I once did.

I was compromising again for the sake of peace in our relationship. I loved him too much to let go.

I Was Accepted & Cherished & Loved… & I Didn’t Want to Let That Go

But, it was too late. I had already fallen hard for this guy. For the first time in my life, fat & all, I was accepted & cherished & loved.

God used his love for me to show that I was capable of being loved just as I was, flaws & all… insecurities & all… & in turn, showed me how God could love me flaws & all, too.

Sure, I may have dated other guys who loved me, or thought they did, but it was all during the time when I was trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be… I didn’t feel freedom to just be me & have that be enough, even bad days or days when I was feeling grumpy or crabby or nonsocial—not that they couldn’t have loved the real me, but rather that I never had given anyone the chance to do so before this particular relationship.

It felt so refreshing, so freeing to finally feel available to be myself & nothing more… & to feel loved in it. Before this man, I truly doubted that was even possible. I thought surely, if I were to reveal my true heart on bad days or if I were to be a less than ideal girlfriend, anyone dating me & seeing that would obviously see the truth & want out eventually… it felt inevitable.

I Truly Felt This Was a Once-in-a-Lifetime Thing

I had a commitment phobia. A fear of letting myself believe I was loved only to eventually see them turn & walk away because they realized I really am too ugly, or too fat, or too gabby, or too boring, or too lame, or etc. etc. etc. Either too something or not enough something.

But, I was letting him love me. I was letting someone love me. I was believing I could actually BE loved. This was HUGE!

A once-in-a-lifetime thing is what it felt like.

But… The Wall

I knew I wanted to marry him. I had never been so sure about that before. I always had doubts somewhere.

And that was the thing… I realized the doubts were there… they were just not about whether I was truly loved or whether I truly loved, but rather whether my marrying him would honor & please God Almighty.

But I was already in love. So, my prayers to God were more like begging than asking… More about WHEN than WHETHER.

And every single time… the only, singular response I ever got to my seeking of answers was like a brick wall too high to climb… complete lack of peace.

As if God Himself were the guard standing between me & the man I loved, saying, “thou shalt not pass.”

Just a Giant “Not Right Now”?

So, I figured it just meant “not right now,” & that if this guy accepted Jesus, well then everything would surely be a green light. I thought I would just be a light & pray for him & then God would give His blessing… that it was surely, merely just a giant “not right now,”

But my compromises grew instead of my light shining any brighter. I wanted to keep the peace & not start anything… so I stopped bringing up anything having to do with God & because I spent most of my time with him… I stopped really turning to God, too.

I kept asking. I kept getting the brick wall as a response.

I would grit my teeth & ask again, determined not to let go of the only person I felt really knew me & actually loved me the way he did. I trusted & loved him & I wasn’t willing to let that go. He was my security blanket that someone actually loved me.

That someone actually COULD love me.

But God kept saying no. I dragged it on so long that this man knew I was wrestling with it but that I wouldn’t admit it. He started to withdraw. I started to cling.

I cried a lot. I begged God a lot.

But God said no.

And He Wasn’t Even the Only One I Hurt…

And eventually, I had to let him go or risk hurting him beyond all the damage my delays had already caused… my holding on & refusing to let go.

It broke me. Hurting him like that broke me. I mourned our relationship for about 5 years it broke me so deeply.

I locked away my heart & had thrown away the key after that. I never wanted to hurt someone I loved like that ever again. I never wanted to believe in love & have it ripped away like that ever again.

And as the cherry on top, I ripped the heart out of a dear friend who cared about me more than I knew, who pursued a relationship with me, only to have me go back to the man I loved in the middle of all of it, thus humiliating & crushing my dear friend in the process. He had been only kind & I was so desperate to believe that it could work with the man I loved that I was willing to crush another man who had only been the dearest of friends to me.

Two heartbreaks in one… three if you counted my own.

I swore off ever making that mistake again.

God Had the Key from Then On

Unless God were to provide the key, to make it clear it was His move, not mine… I was not willing to ever jeopardize the heart of someone I cared about again. (No wonder I made it so hard for my now husband to pursue me. I was so desperate not to ever make that same mistake ever again.)

The day I said goodbye to that man was the day I accepted not knowing whether I would ever be loved like that again, or whether I could ever love like that again.

And I never told him why, either. I let him hate me because that seemed far more favorable than ever giving him reason to hate the God who loved him more than he could ever comprehend… Who gave His Son, Jesus, to pay the debt he owed Him.

My feelings were strong & sure, but I knew, deep down, that God would always know better than me & as much as it broke my heart… I wanted to trust God more than I trusted myself… to recognize & hold firm to the fact that God will always know best, even with love.

Today, I Know, But Then, I Didn’t

I couldn’t understand why God would let me fall in love, only to rip him out of my life. That fact haunted me for years to come & the grief would sometimes catch me completely off guard after hearing a favorite song of his or seeing a movie we saw together, etc.; & would send me into pools of tears long after this man had no doubt moved on with his life.

Today, I have hindsight bias… because today, I can see who I am married to & that I am loved & that I love. But I didn’t have that luxury back then.

For all I knew, my one chance for that opportunity was sacrificed in order to honor & obey God, by giving Him something I had coveted my whole entire life—an opportunity to feel truly loved just as I was.

I didn’t understand, but I knew that somehow, God did.

And I was at least grateful for the reassurance that however hard I was on myself in my feeling unworthy of love, God had granted me an opportunity to see that I could very well be loved & to love in return. What a blessing that was to me, even in the midst of all that hurt.

A Love Story for Another Day

I am now married to my husband, Jamie. I believe wholeheartedly that God set aside my love life to be reserved for him… that God has a plan in bringing us together. And I am grateful to God for that beyond measure.

But that love story will have to wait for another chapter… another day.

God Knows Best… Even with Love

Maybe you don’t have the luxury of hindsight bias right now. Maybe you’re so in love but feel a tug of hesitation on your heart that you just can’t shake… but the fear that this is your one chance to be truly loved is crippling you from letting go.

Pray. Be willing to trust God to know better than you… to trust that He loves you enough to say no to what you’re too scared to let go of… that He is looking out for you.

Maybe you feel you made the wrong choice & didn’t wait “long enough for God to work.”

Pray. Be willing to trust that God can redeem. God can rescue. God can heal. God can lead. God can strengthen. God can give wisdom. Trust that God can make a way where there is no way.

Maybe you feel imprisoned by your yearning to feel that you can be loved just as you are. You feel like you are destined to be alone forever because you feel it’s all you’re good for.

Pray. Be willing to trust that God knows what He’s doing. God doesn’t make mistakes & that includes you. God has not forgotten you. God has perfect timing. God is sufficient in ALL things… even this… even with love.

Shine HOPE by determining to obey God, even when it doesn’t make any sense to you, even when it feels it will render your heart unrepairable. Trust Him even then. Because let me tell you… God knows best… even with love.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

November 2023 Hope Mail (HAITI & INDIA)

Who do you know that would love a beautiful package filled with hope in their mailbox? This exclusive November Hope Mail package makes a great gift for any occasion! Enjoy free shipping on this November Hope Mail package that includes our Joyful Nativity Ornament from Haiti, Sari Hope Hoops from India, and our Joy to the World Sticker mailed in a stylish Fashion as a Force for Good envelope.

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!

My Childlike Faith Slipped Away… & I Went with It

So, my family watched Left Behind & my world was SHOOK. (Read about how that started in Chapter 2.)

All of a sudden, I didn’t want to run from my questions anymore. I NEEDED answers.

I looked up Bible verses. I asked questions of my Christian friends. I asked my parents & church leaders. I became obsessed with wanting to know FOR SURE that I had the right answer… the true hope… in Jesus… that I wasn’t believing amiss.

I remember being SO jealous of people at church that just seemed to BELIEVE what they heard without questioning everything.

That childlike faith was no longer in me. I wanted to know.

Looking Deeper

Now that I am older, I can see some things at play here.

1. Questions are not sinful. God is SO far above & beyond us, that it makes sense for us to not understand… & for us to want to—this is a reason why God gave us His Word, the Bible!
2. Satan likes to take these questions & make you tempted to doubt God altogether… either to render you fruitless in your faith, to make you miserable, or to make you turn away from God altogether. Be careful!
3. We need to make sure that our questions don’t get mingled in with a subtle built-in “excuse” to sin. AKA, “well, if God ISN’T real, maybe that’s okay because then I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to do something God calls sin.” BE CAREFUL HERE!

I was ALL 3 at different points.

It Started with Legitimate Questions–I Wanted to Know What (Who) I Could Put My Full Faith In

I had legitimate questions being a limited human being serving a limitless God. His grace is beyond reasonable because it’s completely underserved. He made EVERYTHING. Plus, the world around us claims so many lies that they believe 100% that it seems the current is constantly flowing AGAINST you.

But Satan also used the questions to make me doubt God & start trying to find “backups” “in case God didn’t come through for me.” I mean, sometimes I would pray for something—like the end of a struggle—& the hard would just remain… sooo….

I Wanted to See for Myself

And so then, number 3… I started using my doubts as an excuse. I didn’t WANT to keep acting in that willpower I talked about last week. It was tiring trying to be a perfect Christian all the time (in my own strength), seeing other Christians seem to care far less about pleasing God… wishing I could care less, too… wishing I could do things God called (or hinted as) sin without feeling so bad about even the thought of it.

I started thinking up “loopholes” to God’s Word (I put loopholes in quotes here because, really, God isn’t fooled.)

My very real questions became my “excuse” to bend the rules… to look elsewhere for happiness… “just in case.”

But boy was I setting the stage for my own ruin. I was heading toward destruction. Part of me knew it & part of me didn’t care anymore. I wanted to see for myself.

Heading Out into Choppy Waters

And so the journey became more & more choppy. I had so MANY questions & no matter how many people I asked for answers, I always came back to the same conclusion: “to err is human.” And that being true, how could I trust any answer given to me by any living human being or any human in history?

How could I trust a Bible I wasn’t around to see completed? What if it was all made up? What if it really was just a bunch of men coming together? What if it was faked?

How could I trust physical evidences of God, the Bible, biblical history, etc., if evidences were faked all the time about other things?

How could I prove God if I couldn’t see Him, hear Him, feel Him, etc.?

Okay, so I trusted Jesus to save me, somehow even in all of that turmoil… but what if there were other ways to God? What if I was wrong?

I grew up a Christian, in a Christian home. What if I was just brainwashed by my upbringing. Not lied to, but believing only because I was told it was what I ought to believe?

What if God just made me & saved me & just doesn’t care about me much beyond that? What if He doesn’t even know what’s going on on earth or just doesn’t care?

The questions swirled & raged & tormented me. Nothing in life felt certain anymore. Nothing made sense. Nothing was sure. I didn’t know what to believe. I was scared.

Then my depression began to spiral. And everything got a whole lot worse.

I Thought God Wasn’t Listening… But He Had a Plan All Along

I no longer had a firm, steady, sure foundation, so when the depression symptoms began to creep in & the consequences of that started to show themselves & Satan started to exploit all of that… I didn’t have anything to hold on to. (Read more about how to recognize the different parts of depression so you can fight back, here: “Understanding Depression with Discernment.”)

I prayed for freedom from it. It didn’t come.

I prayed for an escape from it. It didn’t come.

The lack of response reinforced all of my doubts & all of my fears. I felt like God could care less about me.

I cried all the time, begging Him to help me… & yet the inescapable, gut-wrenching pain inside of me raged on—there was no escape… no relief… no freedom.

I Went My Own Way… Big Mistake

I was a prisoner in my own mind. No help came. No hope was in sight.

So, my desperate hunger for happiness just consumed me. I no longer believed I could trust God could provide that for me… or would provide it if He could.

But the problem was that everything I turned to for happiness seemed to get ripped out from under me time & time again.

Desperation mounted. I begged God still. Pain continued still. So I chased after anything I thought could help me instead. And all of it failed me or proved insufficient.

Hiding Behind a Smile

I stopped asking for help because seeing someone judge me, not take me seriously, or just be plain clueless on how to help after I had mustered up every bit of courage to ask for help just left me feeling 10x more helpless. The despair would just engulf me completely because I felt it was proof that there was no way out.

I learned how to hide my pain behind a convincing smile, jokes, laughter… an air of “I don’t care because I’m just fine,” while inside I was giving up & losing hope.

“In high school, I learned to come home, greet my family, say something like, “I’m gonna go work on some homework!” with a pep in my step & a confident smile, walk calmly to my room, open & close it in complete silence, turn the lock, drop the smile, numbly walk to my bed, grab a pillow & a blanket, open my closet door, step in & close the door behind me as I slumped to the floor in the corner, hold the pillow up to my face & just sob (& scream) uncontrollably into my pillow until I had no more strength left to cry. Then I would slump against the corner wall against my pillow & just stare into the darkness for an hour or so, whimpering, begging God to make the pain go away. And when it didn’t, I started to think of ways I could kill myself with the least amount of emotional damage to my family.

For 2 years in high school, this is what a majority of my days looked like… & nobody knew.

Where Was God?

It was an internal gut-wrenching ache in me that was so completely overwhelming & all-consuming sometimes. No explanation either. Sometimes nothing even needed to trigger it. It made no sense—so when people asked me why I was sad, I had no clue how to even answer them because I just didn’t know… & that was frustrating beyond comprehension. It was maddening.

I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t let it stop.

I begged Him every single day.

He didn’t make it stop.

I doubted Him even more. Maybe He couldn’t help me. Maybe He just wouldn’t help me. Maybe He wasn’t enough. Maybe He didn’t care.

My hope was slipping away from me.

I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted to know 100% but every time God would give me a glimpse of relief or a happy day off from the pain, I would KNOW it was Him… a direct response to a prayer I had prayed… but then the doubts would win & I would accredit that relief to something else & move on.

All of My Support Slipped Away

All of my emotional crutches kept breaking.

My grades were trash… A’s & B’s turned into D’s & F’s, with occasional C’s.

Teachers that once praised me as the “good student” now saw me as someone who had given up & who didn’t care… so their faith in me evaporated & their praise & my good reputation went with it.

Many of my friends (not all!) were really no friends at all. I even got invited to a party with friends once, only to be uninvited because they had a limit & a boy someone liked had agreed to go… so I was dropped. Or the time a group of “friends” openly laughed at me, only to have someone speak up with a, “that’s not very nice” to their response of, “it’s just Michelle, who cares?” Quality friendship right there, huh?

I could do no right. I was a failure. I was broken. I was a burden. I was a joke. My pain was annoying. “Why can’t I just be happier?” I was frustrating. I was bleeding emotionally & no one noticed. No one knew how to help me. Some gave up trying. Others thought I was just dramatic. I felt alone.

So, I hid my pain away, pretending to be okay, crying alone in my closet most days when I got home as I described earlier.

The Night When Suicide No Longer Scared Me

And then came the night in my sophomore year of high school when I no longer cared to fight. I no longer saw any sign of hope. I had exhausted all of my failed attempts at happiness. My emotional crutches in life had all proved completely insufficient. I had nothing left. No safe space person in my life remained. I was alone. I had nothing to live for anymore. “Everyone’s life would be easier & less complicated if I just wasn’t in it anymore.” I was the problem & there was no other solution left.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

That was my final conclusion. There were no other options left. I was no longer scared of suicide.

Either God was enough or my life needed to end.

Either God Was Enough or My Life Needed to End

The weight of that reality weighed down on me so heavily that I could no longer hold up the weight of my own body.

I slumped off of my bed, slid to the floor, & lay face first flat on the ground with my arms at my side & I just wept into the carpet alone, while the rest of my world went on around me totally unaware.

And I cried out one more prayer to God & it was something like this:

“God, nothing works. I have tried everything. Everything that makes me happy, I have poured myself into only to see it’s never enough. Everything I relied on & cared about in my life has just slipped away from me. I don’t have anything left. I’m alone. I have nothing. I am nothing. I don’t have strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I don’t want to try anymore. I just can’t do it anymore. I have nothing left. I can’t do this anymore. If You’re not the answer, there is no answer. If You’re not the hope, there is no hope. There is nothing. NOTHING works. NOTHING is sufficient. EVERYTHING has failed me. I have NOTHING. I need You. I need You so bad. I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. Please show me that You are here, with me, right now—NOT off in heaven ignoring me or laughing at me as I struggle… but HERE WITH ME. SHOW me that You CARE about me, that You LOVE me. Show me that I can trust You. I NEED to KNOW I can trust You once & for all. I NEED You because there is nothing else. I need You. If You are not able to sufficiently show me Yourself that I can indeed trust You completely & that You’re here & that You care about me… just KILL ME already, because I have nothing left. I no longer care about the consequences of my death because the pain is drowning me & I have nothing left in me to fight it anymore. Show me You are real, that You are right here with me, & that You care about me… or let me die. AMEN.”

Not the Words I Prayed, But the One to Whom I Prayed

There’s nothing magical about that prayer. If you are struggling, then memorizing or quoting that prayer will do you absolutely no good.

No—what it came down to was me recognizing once & for all that there is only ONE God. Only ONE hope. No other. No other emotional crutches, no substitutes, no supplemental supports I needed were going to give me hope.

ONLY GOD ALMIGHTY. ONLY JESUS.

ONLY.

Nothing else.

And when I recognized that & came to Him with nothing else as my backup & I prayed from that heart recognition….

Something that none of my efforts ever could accomplish happened in a single instant.

God Had a Perfect Plan

Chills spread across my body. The ache lifted out of me like it was being super-vacuumed out of me. The weight just dissipated instantaneously.

I felt free.

I felt light.

I felt HOPE.

Sobs of relief flooded through me & I felt like I could BREATHE for the first time in 2 years.

And in that moment, as I brought myself up to sitting cross-legged on my carpeted bedroom floor, I felt as if a warm embrace physically wrapped around my entire being & I felt a flooding sensation of LOVE & SAFE just fill in every dark crevice of my soul.

The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable & overwhelming. I cried… but this time, it was from a relief & joy that flooded me.

And all of a sudden, I knew that those 2 years were an undeniable demonstration of His gracious, loving MERCY… of His indescribably GOODNESS. Because now I KNEW He is Who He says He is once & for all.

God Knew Exactly What I Needed

My doubts had taken over my life & left me rocky & unstable & unsure & all of a sudden, all of that just was swept completely away by an absolute assurance that God is GOD & that when I have absolutely NOTHING… if I have Him, I have EVERYTHING.

He. Is. My. ENOUGH.

God knew I would tirelessly credit everything & everyone but Him… that I would always put something else in the credits of my hope & joy. God knew He needed to strip away everything else I relied on as my security & hope for me to see that HE IS my Hope.

I know I still get pulled away by comforts & other things I try to support me. I still fail & mess up.

But now, deep down, I have an assurance like none other… that all I really need is Him.

He Is Worthy!

Why do I do what I do? Because I want YOU to have that SAME ASSURANCE flowing through EVERYTHING in your life.

That He is WORTH IT. That He is DESERVING. That He LOVES YOU INDESCRIBABLY so.

Living for Him is an honor. Living for Him requires sacrifice, but only for that which is far greater.

Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life

Why is this series called “Growing up a Christian—A Grace-Filled Life”? Because grace implies an undeserving, & wow is that an accurate depiction of my life.

How often how ungrateful I am. How often I chase other things for comfort. How often I want to wallow versus pray. How often I want to live for me versus give my all for Him.

I will forever be a work in progress. It will always be a grace-filled life because I will never deserve it.

But THANK GOD He will never give up on me & that He will never stop loving me….

The same goes for you, too.

So, shine HOPE by taking doubts to Him… by learning from my experiences & coming to that conclusion that HE IS WHERE YOUR TRUE HOPE COMES FROM & that even if you lost it all… if you have Him, you have it all. SHINE THAT HOPE.

Coming Next Week

Join me every Monday morning, EST, for more encouragement right here on my blog/website @ www.MichelleHydeOnline.com.

Share with friends & family… & SUBSCRIBE by “Joining My Tribe,” so you never miss a week!

As God grows me, may it encourage you to seek Him & know Him & love Him more every day.

A Note from Michelle:

(***Check out my FREE Journal Printable Resources: “Accountability Partner Guide + Question Prompts” & “Bible Study Question Prompts ,” as well as “Prayers of Surrender” prayer guides!***)

This blog/website has been running for FIVE years now! THANK YOU for your continued support & encouragement. <3

If you would like to learn more of my story, check out the “About Me” tab. And if you would like to hear how I found my lasting source of HOPE, read the “Hope Is Found” tab, on this site. I hope they are an encouragement to you! <3

Also, make sure to “Join My Tribe” by adding your email to the top bar & clicking “Join My Tribe”. This gains you access to an extra weekly dose of encouragement from me in your inbox (make sure to check your other inbox folders), along with the link to each week’s new post! I can’t wait to do this journey together!!

Fashion as a Force for GOOD:

Each week, I feature an item that is changing lives for women around the world. These hand-crafted pieces are offering job creation opportunities for women artisans in impoverished nations all around the world! Consider these pieces when shopping for friends, family, or yourself. Check out this week’s featured beauty!!

Forest Critters Ornament Set (NEPAL)

HOLIDAY EDITION – While supplies last! This adorable, festive Forest Critter Ornament Set from Nepal will add some adorable charm to your holiday decor! Each ornament set features four friendly forest critters made entirely out of 100% wool—a little fox, white bunny, gray squirrel, and an adorable hedgehog. Each Forest Critter Ornament Set is handcrafted using traditional wool crafting techniques that have been passed down for generations.

*****Your purchase provides a woman in an area of extreme poverty in Nepal with a safe job and fair wage.*****

How You Can Help the Artisans & Support My Website:

SHOP Here, OR, Email me at michellehyde.tradesofhope@gmail.com with any questions, & I will message you personally with more information!! Thank you for inspiring HOPE around the world, Lovely!

Your purchases not only help these women, but my commissions help me in continuing this website/blog, encouraging women all around the world with the HOPE we have in Jesus. Win-win-win!

Love ya lots! Have a wonderful week!